It's New Year's Eve-11wks6d

2010 is 3hrs away and I am so excited for it to get here!

I have always hated New Year's...thought it was so depressing, another year gone and nothing to show for it. But not this year! This is the year our baby boy will be born!

Wishing you all a happy, healthy New Year!

The most wonderful sound-11wk5d

Tonight I found his heartbeat with the doppler. I can't believe how much more at ease I am right now. I will never tire of hearing that sound.

I was starting to get worried because most people are able to hear the heartbeat with the doppler between 10-12wks. But tonight I decided that I was going to be patient and search every inch on my uterus until I found it, I was determined! Sure enough I was able to find it. It was like his little way of saying see mom here I am, I'm ok!

I feel so much more comfortable about telling people now, and I will be announcing it on Facebook Thursday at midnight! I will 12wks at that point and feel like it is time to start enjoying this time!

Merry Christmas-11wks1d

Every year I ask for the same thing for Christmas, and it is never anything anyone can give me. All I want for Christmas is a baby! This Christmas I had what I have always wanted and no other gift could come close to the precious gift I have been given.

We are truly blessed to have gotten this far in this pregnancy. I am blessed to have a wonderful Dh and family who have stood by me and supported me through every step of this journey. I have been given a Christmas miracle and I promise that this baby will be loved more then you can imagine!

It was an emotional day, I thought about the fact that my Dh's dad will not have to chance to meet this baby he has sent us. I thought about how every Christmas for the last 4yrs have been filled with anger, sadness, and heartbreak. Most of all I thought about how this year is our last year as just the two of us. That next year we will be celebrating Christmas as a FAMILY!

We celebrated Christmas with Dh's mom. We gave her the same poem we gave my parents and although she had suspected that I might be pg she seemed surprised when she read it. She to cried which made me cry. It is such a scary surreal thing to be telling our families that we will be having a baby. This is all I have wanted forever, and now that we are sitting here it just doesn't feel real. I am excited but still very scared that at any moment this can be ripped away from us.

For today I am Pregnant! Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve-11wks

I had every intention on giving my grandmother the same poem for her Christmas gift, but after talking to my mom last night she expressed all the fears she had in my telling people this early. I got nervous and decided I would wait.

Once we were getting ready to do gifts my mom asked if I had brought it. I told her no, and that she had talked me out of it the night before. She told me I should tell everyone, I am awful with announcements so I wasn't going to just announce it to the whole family. Dh asked if I wanted him to go home and get it but at this point I had decided not to tell anyone. My mom told me I should at least tell my grandmother.

I waited till we were in the family room alone and said, "Grandma I have something I wanted to tell you when no one else is around. We're gonna have a baby!" Her mouth dropped and in walked my uncle and aunt. She didn't have anytime to process it or react, once they left my other aunt and my cousin walked in. I guess my timing wasn't great. When we were getting ready to leave my mom asked her if she wanted to walk us out. She walked us out and asked when, I told her July and explained that it was still early and wasn't ready for the whole family to know. With this my cousins come running out.

I'm a little sad that the moment was ruined and that I let my fears get in the way of making a big announcement and letting the whole family know at once. As my Dh later said when we were home, we are very lucky for each day I am pg. We are even luckier to have the opportunity to be able to spread the news during the holiday season. I just wish that I could push my fears aside and truly enjoy the fact that today I am pg, and I have made it 11 weeks!

Sharing our news-10wk3d

We celebrated Christmas with my parents today since we will be spending Christmas eve with my family and Christmas day with MIL.

I was excited to give my parents their gift, but also very nervous. I knew they would be excited but was also worried that it was still to early. That my mom would still be to worried to be able to enjoy this good news, and as silly as it sounds I was worried that by telling them I was jinxing it in some way.

I printed this poem I found online onto Christmas paper and wrapped it in an empty box.

This Christmas we have a special present to share,
This is a gift that requires extra love and care.
It's not bright and shiny, or wrapped in a bow,
We just know that you'll treasure it and love it so.

You may be wondering where this gift might be,
Since as you can see this box is empty.
Well, you can't play with this present today,
Because it hasn't arrived yet I'm sorry to say.

This gift is special and needs time to grow,
The wait is well worth it we want you to know!
In July your surprise will be ready for you,
Because that is when our baby is due!

When I gave them the box I explained that it was for both of them, but whoever opened it had to read it out loud. My dad was the one to read it because mom would have needed her glasses to read it. I was shaking as he read it, and when he got to the last line he just stopped reading they both started crying and my mom asked if everything was ok. I explained that so far everything looked good and the Dr told us we have a 1% chance of m/c at this point.

I showed them our latest u/s pic, I'm not sure they knew what they were looking at, but I was so glad to be able to share it with them.

I know that they are still worried as I still am, but I think they were happy with thier Christmas present this year.

First OB appointment today-9wk6d

I was worried they weren't going to do an u/s but they did and it was wonderful! We could actually see his head, torso, arms and legs it was amazing! He actually looks like a baby. The Dr said he was very cooperative and we got an amazing picture of him, looks like we have a little ham! We got to see him moving around which was so cool. It was all to much for me to handle!

My friend referred him to me and she loves him, and now I can see why! He is so nice, down to earth, and easy to talk to. He is the only one in the practice so I asked if he would be delivering and he told us he has only missed 2 births in his career. One of which was when he was stuck in NYC during 9/11. That was pretty comforting, I don't want to show up that day to find a total stranger is delivering me.

We really didn't have a lot of questions for him. My Dh asked how to get me to relax and stop worrying. Then he said the most wonderful words, he told us that at this point I have a 1% chance of m/c. Now I know I can easily be that 1% but I felt this huge load lifted from my shoulders. I asked him to please tell my Dh that I can have chocolate and he explained to my Dh that chocolate actually has little to no caffeine in it. So :oP !!! He also told me not to listen to all the advice I am going to get from everyone I meet.

He does want me to go for an NT scan even though we had the PGD so I have to schedule that for 2wks. This is fine with me! Means I get to see the little man again!

I go back for my 2nd OB appt on the 13th. It seems forever away, but I also know it is going to be a very uneventful appt. I am just a normal pg women at this point. But as long as everything continues to go well I'm ok with that!

Had another scare last night-8wk1d

So last night I had another bleeding scare. I called the nurse on call and she explained that bleeding during early pg is common and not to worry unless I was filling a pad in less then an hr. She asked if I was cramping which I wasn't, told me to keep my feet up and drink lots of fluids and come to the office in the morning. I wasn't due to go back till Tuesday, and that was going to be my last appt with the RE.

We went in this morning and everything looked good, the heartbeat was 178 and he is actually starting to look like a baby now not some sort of alien lol. She showed us his head, heartbeat, chest, and little arm buds. Sooo cute! I am so in love with this little guy!

So this was our last appt, I will have to go back again just for blood work, but that was it. It was bittersweet. I have waited so long to be released from my RE, and it is exciting that we have made it this far, but I am also scared. There is this comfort in going in every week and getting bw and an u/s. As I walked out with Dh I said thats probably the last time we will get to see him for awhile. =(

I am looking into buying a doppler so I can listen to the heartbeat at home. I think thats going to be the only thing that gets me through when I don't get to see the OB as often.

Christmas is quickly approaching and I can't wait to tell our parents. For so long the holidays have not been fun or joyus but this year I am so looking forward to them! I still can't beileve that I have been blessed with this little miracle!

So I didn't get released today- 7wk4d

They did bw and an u/s and everything looked good. He's measuring a day behind but the dr said with the measurements he looked great. His heartbeat was 153, so we were very happy with that. He's doesn't look like a blob anymore!

As the Dr was leaving she said we'll see you next week. I said I thought this was our last appt? She said that she thinks they can squeeze another one in as long as insurance doesn't have a problem with it. I of course am totally fine with this, it means I get an extra u/s and who am I to argue lol.

They reduced my PIO and estrace so I will have to go back again the following week just to make sure everything is good off the meds. That's a little scary but all I can do is hope that at this point my body knows what it's doing.

Another big day tomorrow-7wk3d

So tomorrow I get released from my RE, EEEK! For the last 4yrs I have watched women leave the RE's office for the last time, they have this glow, smiling from ear to ear, u/s pic in hand, and I have always wondered what that would feel like. But tonight as I get ready to be released I now know what it feels like, it's totally terrfying! This doesn't happen to me, it seems like a dream, I am just waiting for something to go wrong. I hate having that attitude and I wish that I could just enjoy every moment, but I am just so scared! It makes me sad that I have wanted this for so long and now I am here worrying it all away. I can't wait to see my little guy again tomorrow, and hear the wonderful sound of his heartbeat.

My appointment with my OB is the 16th. I have to go a whole week without an u/s, I really hope they do one at the first appointment. I will lose my mind if they don't! How am I going to go 4 weeks at a time without an appointment? My poor Dr I may just drive him crazy withing the first week.

I am so over whelmed. I want to do everything right for this little guy, I want to eat all the right things, get all the right vitamins, drink the right amount of water etc. It's so hard though, I really have no idea what I am doing. It's funny after all this time trying to get pg, I never took time to find out what to do after I got pg. There are just so many rules! It's overwhelming, and scary! I feel all this pressure to do all the right things, I don't want to f&ck this up! I bought "What to expect when your expecting" and I am thumbing through it, talk about over whelming! Part of me is still afraid to read to much, just in case anything should go wrong. After this appointment I will throw myself into it!

I sent my Dh a link to this blog www.hisboyscanswim.com,its really cute and gives them an idea of where the baby is in terms they can understand. Last week at our u/s as I was getting dressed I said something about it still being so small. He responded with, "he's only the size of a lug nut" lol it cracked me up that not only did he actually look at the blog, but he knew where we were in development. Then the other day we were driving and he said it was the size of a blueberry. I asked him how he know that, and he said I read it in your book. I can't believe that he actually looked through my book! So cute, I love him and know he's going to be an amazing dad!

Ok I think I have rambled on long enough. I will post again tomorrow when we get back from the u/s. Fingers crossed everything is great!

Happy Thanksgiving-7wks

Over the last 4yrs I have learned to hate the holidays, and often found it hard to be thankful for all of the things I do have in my life. This year it is as if the light has been turned on and I can finally see how much I truly have to be thankful for....

My wonderful husband who is my rock and without him I don't know where I would be. My loving family who support us and love us the way only family can. Great friends who have stuck by our side through thick and thin. And of course our little miracle, who I am truly thankful to have been blessed with.

I'll never tire of this feeling-6wk5d

After everything that happen on Friday I spent most of the weekend worrying and over analyzing my every twinge and lack of symptom. I got little to no sleep last night, just terrified that I was going to go in today and his heartbeat would be gone. But........Everything is perfect! He is measuring exactly 6wk5d and his heartbeat was 128. I'm so relieved! I think I might actually start to enjoy this now. I get released next week and my RE told me to make an appt with my OB for 2wks from now. I can't believe this is really happening, someone pinch me!

I am Blessed-6wk2d

After having a bunch of dreams that my beta didn't rise, and that my progesterone dropped, and waiting all morning for them to call with my results, I finally called them.

I got the answering service, and had to wait for someone to call me back. They did call back rather quickly but of course it seemed like forever, especially when you convince yourself its bad news.

Beta was 22, 262, she said progesterone was good and that everything looked good.

I always said I wouldn't create a ticker till after I saw the heartbeat. Well I saw and HEARD the heartbeat. So I am proud to have posted my first ticker!!!!

I don't know why I am lucky enough to have finally gotten pregnant, or why after bleeding so much I got to see and hear a healthy little heartbeat, or why after all of this my numbers are still good and rising. But I do know that I am blessed, and that I am thankful for this blessing I have been given. I will enjoy each day, hope for the best, and continue to pray for the strength to get me through whatever lies ahead.

Today I am feeling very blessed!

No one said this woud be easy-6wk1d

I was leaving work today around 1:30 and I thought let me just go to the bathroom before I go. I went and I was full fledged bleeding. I quickly called my RE and started flying down there, crying the whole time of course. After what seemed like an eternity I finally get down there, I get into the room and I can just feel the blood. I'm still crying my fool head off when the dr comes in and tells me to calm down. He goes to put the dildo cam in and says,"oh your bleeding a lot!"

UMM YEAH!!!

But then there he was, our lil one, measuring exactly 6wks 1day. Dr saw the heartbeat, I was of course asking a million questions when he finally shushed me and said lets see if we can hear it. Then I heard the most amazing sound ever! I was in total shock, a minute ago I was convinced I had lost this pregnancy, and now I'm listening to his heartbeat. His heartbeat was 116 which the Dr said was good. He told me to go home and rest, no lifting, not heavy work.

He leaves the room and I get up and the blood just pours out, I know TMI I'm sorry. It was everywhere, and bright red! I came home and went to the bathroom and passed huge clots, size of golf balls. I of course start crying again, telling DH that things could have been great 30 mins ago but maybe not now.

I call my nurse back and she tells me everything looks good, to rest and that it could be a lot of things like the placenta moving or from the cervix etc. I don't know this is a lot! She tells me that as long as its dark that means its old. Again I don't know! I tell her that I filled a pad in hr, she asked if it seemed to be slowing down....well yeah, kinda. I did beg her to let me come in sooner then the 30th, there is no way I can go that long after this! She told me I can come in on Tuesday.

They did bw they will call me tomorrow with the results, I just really need for everything to be ok. I am soooo crampy. I know I should trust the Dr and what I saw and heard on the u/s, but how can this be ok?

Beta #3-5wk2d

I got there this morning for what I thought was just bw but they told me I was scheduled for an u/s also. This of course worried me, I wasn't prepared for an u/s. I wasn't prepared to hear bad news, I wasn't prepared to see a blank u/s screen.

They did my bw and after 2hrs they finally called me in for the u/s. The Dr said everything looks good. It's still early and we weren't able to see alot, but we saw the sac. I asked if it's where it's suppose to be, I was worried about an ectopic. He repeated that everything looked good, said I'll go back again next week, hopefully we'll see a heartbeat and everything will be better! He printed out our first u/s pic and was on his way.

On our way home I got the call from the nurse, I was terrifed that my numbers weren't going to be good. She didn't sound like she was calling with good news, but then she said everything looks good! My beta went up to 4,072!!! I had to ask her to repeat the number cause I couldn't believe it!

I am so excited! I think this might actually be the one! I know that we still have a ways to go before we are out of the woods. But for today everything is good and I am going to enjoy this day!

Beta #2

350!!

It doubled! I can't believe this, I am so excited!! I know it's still early but I can't help but think this is it! They don't want to see me back till the 14th, five whole days away, which of course terrifies me. All my symptoms are gone which causes more concern, but for right now I am trying to enjoy this moment. I wish I could just fast forward to the u/s at 6 weeks, and then fast forward to January when I will officially be out of my 1st trimester. Maybe then I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief. For now I am going to get lots of rest, drink lots of water, and enjoy the fact the today I am pregnant!

Beta is in and......

I'm Knocked Up!!!!

We went for my b/w early this morning and then headed into the city for the Yankee parade. This wound up being a huge mistakes since we weren't able to get in to the city as early as we needed to and the closest we could get was like a block away from the parade route. But we got to experience the craziness of Yankee fans and at times it took my mind off the ticking time bomb I had in my pocket (my phone). Once we decided seeing the parade was a bust we started heading home, this required much more walking then on the way in due to subway station closures because of the parade. At one point I felt a lot of cramping and had to sit down. At this point it was 1pm and I still hadn't heard anything. I was afraid that the cramping was a sign I was pushing myself to much. At one point I said to Dh I know I'm not suppose to get my hopes up, but I feel pregnant. We decided that we would stop in a diner and get some breakfast/lunch. I was relieved to empty my over full bladder, get to sit, and finally eat something for the first time all day! I then proceeded to eat 2 scrambled eggs, 3 pancakes, and a plate of hash browns. Not to mention the 2 glasses of water. After a long trip home on crowded subways and an even more crowded train we were finally back in NJ. It was now 2:30pm and I still hadn't heard anything. I of course take this to mean that it's bad news, and I begin to lose hope with every minute that passes. I was afraid that they forgot to run my b/w or forgot to call me, after 4pm no one is in the office. So I decide to put a call in to my nurse just to remind her that I was still here waiting, annoying I know! So at 3:01pm my nurse called. She told me she had good news for me and that my beta was positive!!

My Beta was 154 today at 10 days past 5 day transfer. Thats the highest beta I have ever had! When I was saying my prayers for a positive beta, I also prayed for a beta higher then 100. I was so relieved to hear a nice high number. I know I am not out of the woods yet, I have to go back sunday to make sure the number doubles. This will let us know that it is a viable pregnancy. Again my numbers have never really doubled. So Dh has given me strict rules not to leave the couch this weekend and we pray for numbers higher then 300 on Sunday! I am still afraid to get excited, but I am so excited!! I have felt that this was our cycle since the day of the ET, but was terrifed I would be wrong and pushed the thoughts out of my head. I have not felt well all this week. After talking to some ladies on my message boards they had informed me that some of my symptoms did sound like preganancy symptoms. Again I was afraid to get my hopes up so I tried to think about it, coughing it up to just getting sick, or the time change.

My symptoms were as follows......
5dpt- shortness of breathe
6dpt-shortness of breathe, extremly tired, rash on my chest
7dpt-shortness of breathe, extremly tired, rash on my chest, headache all day
8dpt- tiredness continues, headache all day, body aches, feel like I'm getting the flu, very hungry
9dpt- Woke up after after 10 1/2 hrs of sleep still tired, headache gone, body aches gone, still hungry wanted to eat everything in sight!
10dpt-all symptoms are gone, cramping, and lower back pain, and still very hungry!!

Let the waiting and praying begin

I got the call at 10:30am that we were set for our ET and to be there at 1:30pm. I was so relieved to hear that it survived the thaw!

They took me in rather quickly, I was a lil concerned cause Dh hadn't gotten there yet and we are really big on if we cant do this the natural way we will atleast both be there when its transferred. I got in the back got dressed in the beautiful garb they give you and turned around to see my Dh standing there. PHEW! I started drinking, they suggest 4-5 glasses. I am not fond of water in the first place so I am super picky about how I drink it. The water was room temperture and out of a paper cup....yuck!!

I got my laser acupuncture, and then we sat and waited, and waited, and waited! Finally they moved us into the consult area and then we waited, and waited, and waited some more. The Dr. did finally come in, and to our surprise it was OUR Dr. Our Pratice is a very large practice and out Dr is kind of a big deal. He never does any monitoring, and you only see him when you go in for a consult. I was sooo happy that he would be doing the ET. He's calming, super nice, funny, and just over all a nice guy. He showed us the picture of our embryo and told us that morpholigcally it looked good. Whatever that means! He then lead us in the room and they preped me for the ET. They showed us the embryo up on the screen and it looked like it was splitting, something like this.....00. He said that was a good sign meant it was hatching, that it was a good stage 5, and that they rarely see stage 6's. Again I am not sure what all that means but it all sounds good!

As they were moving me back into my room the Dr said, I hope there isn't a next time but if there is your bladder doens't need to be that full. They then asked if I needed a bed pan. Now I would need to be very desperate to use a bed pan. But because I have a bladder of iron I still didnt really feel like I even had to go.

I got my second laser acupuncture, and then just got to realx and rest for 30 mins. They came in and gave me my instructions and dates, BETA 11/05! And then we were on our way!

I am feeling a little better now that our lil embie is snuggled in. I also have more hope as of now. I am terrified to get to hopeful, but who am I kidding either way I am going to be heartbroken if this doesnt work. So now we wait, pray, and try not to go crazy until next Thursday. Please let this be it for us!!

We have a date

The transfer is set for Tuesday October 27th. Don't ask me how I'm feeling cause I am trying not to think about it. Of course I want this, I want this bad! But after everything I have been through I just don't want to think about it yet. I am a lil concerned that it will be over before it even starts and the embryo won't survive the thaw. But all I can do now is try not stress, and let everything take its course. What will be will be right?

When the world says, "Give up" HOPE whispers, "Try one more time".

So here we are trying one more time! After taking the summer off to regroup, reconnect, and recover its now time to move forward with an FET to transfer our last embie. I am going into this cycle with a different perspective, I have been through this enough and gotten my heart broken enough to not get my hopes up. As awful as it may sound I am going into this just thinking we need to use the last embie so it doesn't just sit there, and we don't wonder "what if". But I have to be realistic. There is a chance that we may lose the embryo during the thaw, and that our chances are less since we will only be transfering one embryo, not to mention its not the greatest quality.
I am trying to stay positive, and focused on this cycle. Early morning blood draws and u/s's are killing me. I am just so tired of this whole process. I can remember a time when I would spring out of bed into the dark cold early morning driving the 45 mins - 1hr to get to the dr feeling hopeful and knowing this was going to be THE cycle. Now it is like a job dragging myself out of bed to drive down there to get pricked and probed for what? For a healthy baby we hope.

If everything goes as planned we will be doing the transfer on Nov 2nd. This of course happens to be the day that my co-worker is finding out the sex of her baby. I really hope this is the day of the transfer so I don't have to be there that week to deal with that!

Pregnancy & Infant loss Remembrance Day

Today is Pregnancy & Infant loss Remembrance day. Every year in the United States there are approximately 2 million women who experience pregnancy loss. I am one of these women, so please support this cause, by lighting a candle tonight at 7pm. Take a moment to think of the families that have been affected by these losses.

Lost but never forgotten, forever in my heart

12/05 * 7/06 * 12/06 * 4/07 * 10/08 *

A glipse at the future

I have always wanted to go to a psychic, but I have been afraid of what they might tell me. I recently heard of Ruby through the message boards. It is said that she has a great success rate and has predicted a lot of pg's on the boards. So I figured just for fun what the hell. $30.00 later this is what I got.....

My thoughts are in bold....

I see a conceive or find out with a bfp or give birth in Oct. So
either conceive or find out with a bfp in Oct of this year or give
birth in Oct of next year. I see a girl. I will be doing my FET in Nov, but we already know that the embryo is male. So either she is wrong with the sex, or this is not our cycle.

1st thing when I did your reading I heard your guides, your future
baby, and my guides say to PLEASE BE OPEN TO POSSIBILITIES and EVEN IF YOU HAVE A WISH YOU NEED TO BE PROACTIVE WITH GETTING THAT WISH, DON'T LET SOMEONE ELSE TELL YOU HOW YOU WILL GET TO YOUR WISH. I have been open to other "possibilities" such as sperm donor, egg donor, embryo donation...my DH on the other hand took much longer to get there and still isn't 100% aboard.

I then saw an image of your daughter blowing baby dust your way and telling you to be open to catch it.

I also saw images of a lot of maze like looking things in my reading. You know how sometimes Cider mills have those mazes you can go in and try to find your way out? I saw 5 of these and then I saw a man sitting at the last maze, the 5th one holding out a big giant golden star to you.

I also then saw an image of a woman who looks VERY fertile, but not happy. I feel she has been messed around by doctors too much because I see her holding herself her arms wrapped around her for protection and then holding up her hands against the doctors kind of like I have had enough. When I hear these messages and see these images what I am being told to tell you from all this is that I feel strongly you have been given many options on how to proceed next with getting pregnant or I feel you have ALREADY gone through alot of options. The 5th and final one is the one that is going to get you pregnant. The golden star so to speak. We have been through a lot and I have had enough. I want very much to be done with all the procedures, meds and the emotional roller coaster. Now I might be reading to much into this, but since I have already had 5 losses, I believe the 5 stands for the types of procedures we have tried. IUI's, IVF, FET, IVF w/PGD, our next step would be embryo donataion. Is it possible I get pg in Jan, using embryo donation delivering a baby girl in oct?

I feel the 5th one is something you knew WOULD HAVE worked before any way if this makes sense, but either was pushed aside when brought up before or it hasn't been brought up yet but you know intuitively it will be the one that your daughter comes to you and where YOU will have control of the situation. Not someone else telling you how you will get pregnant. If you feel there is a way in your heart NOW that is an option now then please let the doctors know or whoever else you are working with andhave them listen. I hope this makes ;sense. If not please let me know I would be very happy to clarify. Embryo donation is something I have wanted to do 100 cycles ago, but again my DH was not fond of the idea.

I feel you are more fertile than you know and what needs to be done is way less than they are saying, but more potent and more effective if this makes sense. This also makes me wonder if I will not get pg through IF treatments and have to keep trying on our own.

Also I saw an image of a woman holding a big blue ball next to her and it looks to be on her right side, but I am not positive and it feels she has been carrying this around for a long time. It feels in her pelvis on the
side or in her ovary on the side. I usually see this image in my
reading when a woman has PCOS, a cyst, tubal blockage, and or
ovulation problems from at least one side. This shocked me since I have PCOS.

Again I see a girl.
When I connected with your girl I heard the names Hannah, Holly,
Hayley, and Harley. This could be someone you know, someone you will
meet, or your little girls name/s you give her or a combination of
what is listed above. None of these thoughts have ever been in a thought in our minds.

When I saw your girl I saw her being around the age of 5-7 in her past
life. I show that she loved wearing flowers in her hair all the time
but around her head, kind of like a wedding tiara. She had her hair
dorned all the time with pink carnations, lily's, and lilacs. She
always stayed centered, peaceful, and had a magical way about her with making what she wanted become a reality with very little ease and I
show that she was like this with others as well, being a big healer
for them. Also when you are pregnant with your girl I feel she will
heal whatever you have either ALL THE WAY or almost ALL THE WAY. PlusI feel she will do this emotionally with you as well when you are
pregnant. Say you are having a horrible day and just crying your eyes
out she will be able to pick that up believe it or not and have this
way of washing all the bad things away. I feel you will have a VERY
happy pregnancy just because of her vibe and a very easy going
pregnancy with the aches and pains and easy labor as well. I see her
being born in between the hours of 10am and 2pm and she will have the ROSIEST of cheeks you ever saw on a little one. I have no doubt she will take away all my emotional pain, I'm loving the easy pg and labor.

Also with your reading when I connected I felt all your children
around you if that is fine to ask and they wanted to connect with both
you and me and I was told if you haven't gotten it checked out yet to
make sure that your uterus is fine to hold a pregnancy. I know
obvsiouly you have losses, but they said something connected with your
uterus and it needing to be strengthen both with blood and the way the
muscles hold things. Just something feels out of place within the
uterus so to speak that is keeping things from staying in place. Like
it is not physically strong enough. Not sure if that makes sense. I was on heprin with a few of my cycles cause we thought I had a blood clotting issue, but that has since been thrown by the waste side. I have had a saline u/s, and laproscopy done to check out my ute but they found nothing. My question is how do i tell the dr's I want them to put me on heprin, or check the strength of my ute, cause a psychic told me??

I also heard the number 4 connected with your reading in some fashion.
I know it is to do with when you find out you are pregnant, when you
conceive, or when you give birth, but the number 4 will definatly be
connected with your little girl in one of those fashions. Does this contradict everything she said about oct doesnt it? Maybe the 4th of Oct?

best wishes! Ruby

“When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”

After all these years, hearing the dreaded words, "I'm pregnant" is like getting punched in the gut every time. It never seems to matter how you hear them, whether through a text, a Face Book status, a phone call, through a friend, or through an email. The out come is always the same. They have what I want. The one thing I am working so hard for came so easily for them. Please don't get me wrong I would never wish IF on anyone, but do I have to resent everyone of my fertile friends because they can do the most natural thing in the world?

Saturday I received an email from a friend/co-worker telling me that she was pregnant. She did her research and talked to girls in IF message boards to find out just how she should tell me. I have responded to 100 of these posts over the years. The advice is always the same, send an email. It allows your friend the chance to grieve, to be upset, to cry, scream, punch something without you seeing her pain. There is nothing like getting punched in the gut and having to smile and say, "Congrats, I'm so happy for you!" It meant a lot that she took me into consideration and cared enough to do her homework. Did it hurt any less? Nope! And for the first time someone did it right, she did exactly what we always tell them to do, but it hurt all the same. Did it allow me time to be upset, without having to face her? Yes, I spent the weekend crying, getting myself prepared to face her today. As hard as it was to walk into work today I did it, I held my head high pushed the pain aside and made it through the day!

Throughout this wonderful journey of IF many people have told me how strong I am. How they could never do what I do, never go through what I have gone through. But until you have been faced with a challenge you just don't know how strong you are. When you want something so badly, somehow some way you find the strength. Some days I don't want to get out of bed, facing the world is just to much to handle, but every day that I get out of bed, get in the shower, and face the world I know I am strong. Today when I walked in that building and faced her, talked to her, I was strong. I surprise myself how strong I am everyday. If nothing else I have learned that I am strong that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger!

Long time, no blog!

I know it's been forever since I have blogged, but I don't have much to report. I have taken the summer off to regroup, to have time to myself, to enjoy my summer. It has been a much needed break away from IF, I can't say I missed it. I took a wonderful family vacation to FL, a weekend getaway with my girls to AZ, and just good quality time with myself and my Hubby.

September is here though, and it's time to get back to reality. We will be moving forward with our FET to transfer the last embryo we have left. After that we will be looking into embryo donation which I am really excited about. So you will be hearing more from me now. Hope everyone had a wonderful summer =)

How did this happen to me?!

At some point when I wasn't looking, it snuck up on me. I woke up one day and there was staring me in the face, taunting me, asking what I have done with my life, asking if I had made the right choices. It caused me to question everything that meant anything to me. There it was as clear as day the big 3-0!! Yup, I turned 30 today. I'm not sure how this happened to me, last time I checked I was 25. Where oh where did the last 5yrs go? Well lets see, I got married, bought a house, adopted my beautiful furbaby, oh and yes have been fighting this beast called IF! I feel like IF has stolen the last 4yrs of my life. I have been standing still while the world continued on, people have continued on with their lives, have made things of themselves but not I have been standing right here, wishing, waiting, hoping.

When I was little there were a few things I wanted to be when I grew up, an interior decorator, the next Miss America, a teacher...this is just to name a few. But more then any of that I wanted to be a wife and mom. I always pictured this happily ever after, the loving husband, the beautiful house, the kids playing in the yard. I made that my top priority, so when I met my hubby I threw everything else out the window. I dropped out of college, and found the next best thing to teaching....daycare. I settled for a career making little money, while I threw myslef into my relationship. Before I knew it I was 30, married, living paycheck to paycheck to pay for the beautiful house, with a big empty yard where the children were suppose to be running around. I realized that I put all my eggs into one basket, I never had a back up plan. So now here I sit my dreams crushed, living with the mistakes I have made along the way. Please don't get me wrong if I had it to do over there isn't much I would change, I may have stayed in school and put a little more effort into my career. I know it's not to late, and I am looking into going back to school. It's time I start moving forward with my life. I'm tired of standing still, while everyone else moves forward. It's time to put plan B into motion!

IF has turned me into a crazy person!

I was running super late for work this morning, but had to check Facebook, yes I know I am addicted! Well, I wish I hadn't checked it. There it was clear as day staring me in the face, my first Facebook pg announcement!!! The mom of one of my friends posted I'm going to be a grandma!!

So I grab my stuff rush out the door and head to work, on my way I text my husband "____ is pg :o(" after a little while of not hearing back from him I check my phone and realize that I sent the text to her!!! I wanted to die! I was so embarrassed, not to mention I felt completely awful! I sent her another text apologizing for the mix up and congratulating her. She later texted me back saying that she was mad her mother posted it on Facebook cause it's still early.

I called my mother tonight looking for support, and wanted to tell her what happened in case her mom called my mom. Well as if things couldn't get worse. My mom tells me, "you can't go around runing your friendships everytime they get pg. Its a natrual progression of life Tara!" A natrual progression a life for everyone but me huh mom? Thanks for understanding how hard this is for me. Thanks for being supportive.

My mom is right though who does that? I'll tell you who, a person who has let IF turn them into a crazy person!! I am happy for her, really I am. I would not want anyone to have to go through what I am going through, but it hurts so bad everytime someone gets pg. Its this gut wrenching sick to your stomach feeling. I can be going about my life trying not to let IF break me down and then I get a pg annocuncement and I am paralyzed. It doesn't make it any easier knowing that had my IVF worked we would have been due within weeks of each other. It would have been nice to have someone to go through pg with.

I hate that there is nothing I can do to change this. I hate that no matter what we do we are still infertile.

Please oh, Please can I catch a break!

Last Thursday I started getting this soreness in my coccyx, mostly when I was sitting. Over the weekend as I was getting ready for the Memorial Day bbq we were going to have with some friends the pain got progressively worse.

By Sunday I had a fever, and was in to much pain to move. Unable to sit, or lay I thought about going to the ER, but my fever finally broke and decided to wait it out. The pain had never gotten this bad in the past, and had always passed after a few days, so I was hopeful that this would pass too. After canceling our bbq and resting all day Monday I was not able to get any relief from the pain.

Tuesday I was able to get into work for a few hours and then got an appt with the Dr. She gave me a RX for an u/s but the earliest I could get it was Wednesday. Knowing I was in to much pain for that, I had my dad take me to the ER. There they did xrays, gave me an RX for painkillers, and an antibiotic and told me to get the u/s as prescribed by my Dr. Thank God for viccodin, because that was the only thing that got me through the night.

I was able to get an appt for first thing in the morning for the u/s. I cried all the way there because it was so painful to get in the car and drive there. Once there I begged the u/s technician to be gentle since the slightest touch was excrutiating! She was able to find a cyst and sent them over to my Dr. STAT! I waited all day for my Dr to call with the results, with no luck. Finally my Dh called then demanding to talk to her. She finally called back and told me that I had a cyst that was now infected and had become a abcess. She said it would have to be removed, but no one would remove it while it was infected. She suggested going to the ER to have it drained 1 to relieve the pain, and 2 to drain the infection.

Thursday my mom took me back to the ER where they drained it, which by the way was the most painful thing I have ever experienced! I go back to the Dr Monday to get the dressing removed, it is still very sore, and can't wait for it to start to heal. I am really hoping this does not affect my vaction in July. I have soo been looing forward to this vaca, its much needed!

It's been a rough year. I just want a break from all this!

Follow up consult

Today we had our follow up consult. It was hard sitting in the office again, I was looking around at all the women that were there for their ET's and I was jealous of the. I was jealous that they were sitting there with so much hope, while I sat here with none.

I was prepared to hear them tell us what I already knew, the embryos just weren't strong enough, and when you biopsy them for the PGD you weaken them even more, therefore they just weren't strong enough to implant. What I wasn't prepared to hear them tell us was that the egg quality was poor. I had to hold back the tears as he talked about how because of my age they have high expectations for my egg quality, and how it was not where they would like to see it. He talked about how even though the egg quality was poor this cycle doesn't mean that it will be next cycle. Since this is the first cycle with them they don't have anything to compare it to. They are unable to say if my eggs have always been poor. He did say that if we chose to do another fresh cycle they would treat me differently and try to improve the quality. All I could think was great one more thing to add to the list, will it ever end?? I just think we have to many strikes against us at this point. I don't think it is possible for us to have a biological child together.

I told the Dr. that at this point we are strapped finacially and unable to do another cycle with PGD. He told us that they are making so many improvements on PGD testing that he wouldn't reccomend doing it right now anyway.

We talked about the embryo that did make it to freeze, he told us that he would ideally like to transfer 2 embryos but the embryo is of poor quality and we have about a 10% chance of getting pg. He reminded us how much easier a FET cycle is on my body, and if I could do an FET cycle every time I so would! After getting OHSS the last two times I did a fresh cycle, I am in no hurry to start another. So I we will be doing the FET cycle with our last embryo in the fall.

I asked about embryo donation, and he did say that they have a list. There are about 10-15 people on the list and they can put us on the list now then we can decide when the time comes. I don't know a lot about it and need to get more info, but I am so ready to move to the next step. I use to want to have OUR baby, and I still do, but more then that I want to have A baby! My husband wants to take it one step at a time, and is not ready to think that far ahead. But I don't work that way I need to know what is next. I feel like we are at the end of the road and that makes me feel hopeless. Knowing that we still have options gives me hope!

So the plan for now is to take some time off, regroup, go on vacation, and then in the fall we will start our FET cycle. We cross our fingers and hope for the best. Then if if doesn't work I will try to get more info about the embryo donation. We will wait it out and hope it goes quickly, we will also keep saving for another PGD cycle. We are not giving up yet just thinking about other options!

Angel of miracles

I am so glad I participated in the secret angel exchange. I was dreading today so much, especially since my BFN is still so fresh. But when I got that box on Thursday it gave me something to look forward to. I am so bad a surprises and wanted to open it that day, I am glad I was able to resist because it made today a little easier!

Thank you, Jehnm! She did a wonderful job, I got the Angel of Miracles, and it is just so perfect! She also sent me a beautiful card, and a dog toy for my four legged baby. It was so thoughtful of her! I also want to thank Tarahville for organizing this! It was such a great idea!

And a big thank you to all of the wonderful girls on the board that get me through each day, I could not do this without you! It means a lot to know I have people that understand, and care about me. If I could make it a wish it would be that none of us had to go through this at all, or that I would go through it alone if it meant you could all be mothers, but I know I could never wish for a greater group of girls to go through this with! Your strength, courage, and determination inspire me! You are all amazing, and are going to make wonderful mother's one day!

Tears and Hope

In bringing awareness to NIAW I was given a link to this video that just sums up or road of IF. It brought me and DH to tears. It is exactly how it feels to be in this place, this awful place called IF.

Tears and Hope

Infertility affects 7.3 million Americans

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and it could not have come at a better time. After finding our that this cycle was a bust I am all about getting the word out there! I came out on my Facebook page, and although a lot of my friends and family already know, it felt good to be able to spread the word. I am not ashamed of this, this is our life now. I do not want to hide it anymore, yes there is a reason we do not have children yet, and no it is not by choice. If I can get the word out there and create a little bit of awareness then maybe this is all worth it.

This is the RESOLVE site, where you can find more information on how to get involved

And then there was 1!

So we thought it was over, we were out of the game. We have been throwing out different options, talking about where we are going to go from here.

Then yesterday my DH got the mail and we got a letter from our RE. One of our embies made it to freeze! I am trying not to get to excited, the day of our ET the Dr. told us it was a little slow, and not of the best quality. Of course, I will do the FET because ya never know maybe this is the one, but its just to soon after the BFN to get excited. I am excited to have another chance at this, I am excited that we are not totally out of the game just yet. I would feel better if there was 2 frozen just because we risk the chance of losing it when they thaw, also I have always felt that 2 would increase my chance at getting pg with 1. But I guess as I can see from this cycle that is not always the case.

So, now the question is when do I do it? Should I jump right into the cycle this month? This is what I really want to do, just because I am anxious. But once we complete this cycle if it doesn't work thats really it. Then we are officially done. If I wait a little while I have soemthing to hope for, to look forward to. I can wait till the summer when I am working 3 days a week. I will have the days off to go for the bw, u/s, and go to the appts. Or I can enjoy the summer, spend some time with DH, maybe go on vacation, and then do it in the fall.

I don't know what we are going to decide, but I am glad to know we have one last chance!

Adoption

I have not allowed myself to seriously think about adoption until now because I honestly thought we would get pg at some point. Everyone likes to suggest adoption like it's an easy solution...I'll get into that in minute. But in the back of my head I knew that if we did not get pg we would adopt. I knew that one way or another we would be parents. Did I love the idea no! To be honest I hated the idea, and its going to take sometime for me to truly accept that this is where our road has lead us. I am sad that we will not have children that look like us, that I will not be able to feel a baby kick inside me, or breastfeed my child. But I also worry about whether I will be able to bond with a child that is not mine, will I resent them, will I always want a child of my own? I also worry about how adoption affects the child, I know it sounds like a happily ever after story, "we tried for many years to have a child of our own, but God lead us to you." Yeah right, I'm sorry I don't care what anybody says adopted children have abandonment issues, I worry that no matter how much we love that child and give them this great life they might not have otherwise had they will still always wonder who there birth parents are, who they look like, and why they weren't good enough.

I know I am not in the right place right now to seriously look into adoption, but I thought I would check out some websites and see what exactly is involved.

I wonder if the same people that suggest adoption know how much is involved.I thought IF was hard, well this is overwhelming and intense! It is not as simple as putting your name on a list and waiting for a baby to be born. There is finding the right agency, creating a profile, interviews, home studies, fingerprinting the list goes on and on. Then after you complete all of that you hope a birth mother chooses you, then you wait and hope that she doesn't change her mind and that it doesn't fall through. After all that I have been through with IF I don't know if I could handle going through all of that for it to fall through. I have been through enough heart break thank you very much!!

I also wonder if all the people that suggest adoption so casually to the infertiles know how much it costs. Between lawyers fees, applications fees, fingerprinting, having your profile printed, home study visits, birth mother expenses, etc etc etc, we're looking at something between $20,000-50,000!! IF has emptied our bank accounts, and well we didn't have that before we started IF treatments anyway. How in the hell do people do this???

So at this point I am questioning if adoption is even an option for us.

Options

We have some options that we can now look into, sperm donor, embryo adoption, domestic adoption, and international adoption.

Before we went into this cycle I talked to my DH about using a sperm donor if this didnt not work. We have not sat down and had a serious conversation about it yet, DH likes to take one thing at a time. I am not the most positive thinker, so he tries to be hopeful for both of us. The little that we have talked about it he has expressed that he is not super thrilled with the idea. I'm not sure I can blame him, as much as it upsets me. I think he would have a hard time knowing that it was biologically mine but not his. I tried to explain that a father is not just sperm, he is going to be their daddy no matter what. I don't know I think men have these animalistic thoughts about being able to spread their seed. Ugh, MEN!! I don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I would hate for him to do this for me, and wind up resenting me or the baby because this is not something he wanted. I am not in the situation, but I would like to think that if it was my eggs that were preventing us from getting pg I would be ok with an egg donor. But I would also have the benefit of being able to carry that child for 9 months, and bond with them, he would not have that advantage.

So onto embryo adoption, I don't really know much about adopting an embryo, and have to find out more about that. But I have to admit of all the options this seems like the best fit for us. My DH would be able to accept it better because it would be neither of ours, but I would still get to carry it, give birth, nurse all of the things I would do if it was ours. The problem is that will embryo adoption we risk the chance that it may not work. What if it doesn't implant, or what if the reason for our m/c's is not the inversion but is something to due with me and I m/c the embryo. I am not sure we want to spend that kind of money for more heart break. I also think that embryo adoption is fairly new, therefore I would have to find a reputable agency that deals with this. I also don't know how long the wait would be or how many are available.

Domestic adoption is ideally my first choice if we have to adopt. But I know that the wait is long for a healthy white newborn. This is not the 1950's where young pg girls were sent off to have their babies and the babies were easily adopted. I believe domestic adoption is more expensive then international, as well has longer and more difficult of a journey. I don't know a lot about adoption and will have to start researching this.

International adoption seems like it would be complicated, which country do we adopt from. I believe you have to go to the country more then once before the child is released and able to come home to the USA. Not to mention the children are usually older, I know maybe I am being selfish, but I really want a newborn baby. I want to have them from day one. I also worry about the transition for them, the are taken from everything they know to place where no one speaks their language. That has got to make for a long hard transition.

Foster adoption this seems fairly easy, I think that there is a big demand for foster parents and would probably be placed quickly. If I already had children of my own I would be all over this, because I would love to help children that have come from bad situations. But, I could not foster a child, fall in love with them, be their mom for all intensive purposes, just to have to give them back when their parents decide to get their act together. Also you risk the chance of getting a very difficult child, and I could never ask for them to be removed from the home, It breaks my heart that these children are shuffled from one home to the next.

So these are our options, I don't know much about any of them and really have to do some serious research before we can make any decisions. I think it is time that I start talking to other people about our options and get some advice from people that may have been down this road before. I will be visiting websites, messages boards, and we know a few people in RL that have adopted. None of these options are easy or are going to but a baby on my arms tomorrow, but it is where our road has lead us.

Rough couple of days

It has been a rough couple of days. I left work on Wednesday a complete mess, I should not have taken the call at work. But I was so sure it worked, I was more worried about the beta number and if it was going to be high enough. I feel like such an idiot, I was totally blindsided!

My Dh is taking this harder then I thought he would, he always tries to be so strong for me, but I can see how much this is affecting him now. When we started this, I was dragging him into it. He wanted to wait a little while before we started trying. I also think that he thought once we went to the RE we would get pg quickly, as did I. Neither one of us ever foresaw the long hard road we had ahead of us. But I think after the 3rd m/c he realized how much he wanted this too! I am to devastated to take care of him right now, I know that sounds awful but I just don't have it in me right now. We are suppose to be a team in this, but IF has torn us apart. We are no longer a team. Last week when we were both home I felt like we really reconnected, we had a good time together and I felt like we were going through this together. That was all ripped away from me on Wednesday morning.

I went to work yesterday and cried all day. I work at a childcare center, where I am surrounded by it. It was heart breaking to look at all these children who were conceived so easily. Why was I chosen to have go through this? What did I do to deserve this? My bosses asked me all day if I wanted to go home, but I have taken so much time off due to IF I didn't want to lose anymore time. Then at the end of the day my boss came up to me and told me to think about taking today off. She suggested I try to come in, because it is better for me to be there then laying in bed crying all day, especially since she knows that is what I will be doing all weekend. I told her I would be here, like I said I don't want to waste anymore days to IF. Funny thing is I was not able to get any sleep last night, maybe an hr. I woke up this morning and just could not drag myself out of bed.

All I want to do is sleep, I want to pull the blankets over my head and sleep. I want to escape all the pain. I want to get away from this life. I look at my friends, and family and all I see is pain in their eyes. I know they care about me, but it kills me to look at them, knowing I will never give them a son/daughter, or grandchildren. I am looking into taking a leave of absence from work. I just need some time. I don't know how much time or if time will even help, but I want to lock myself in my room away from everyone and just sleep. Everyone is worried about me, my parents came over last night after I didn't answer any of the 5 calls. They sat will me trying to make me feel better, but they just don't get it. My mom wanted to bring me to the hospital, cause she said I am not ok. NO SHIT!! Of course I am not ok, how can you expect me to be ok right now? They thought about canceling their trip to FL, they left this morning. They also tried to take me with them. Its great that they care about me, but really all I want is to be left alone. I asked them a number of times to leave, they lept saying they weren't going anywhere till they knew I was ok. Once Dh got home they felt better and were able to leave. I guess I need to be babysat. I'm not going to lie, I have thought about how it would be better to not live at all then to live like this. This life hurts to much. I use to have hope that it would all get better, that in the end it would all be worth it. But it's not ok, its not worth it!!!

I have said goodbye to my friends on the NEST, they have been my support system for the last 4 yrs. They are an amazing group of women. They understand what your going through, your thoughts and feelings all make sense on this board. There is no judging, just support. Everyday no matter what you are going through, they were there to cheer you on! I miss them tremendously! But we are done TTC, so I no longer belong there. It may be a selfish decision, because I should return the favor and be there for them right now. But it hurts to much right now to see these wonderful girls get their BFP's. I wish only the best for all of them, but I just cannot handle that right now.

I am giving myself some time to grieve, then I have to suck it up and move on! I need to decide where to go from here. We have some options, but we need to seriously discuss them. Donor sperm, embryo adoption, adoption, or a childless life.

Only time will tell where we will go from here.

P.S. Both embryos were boys!

BFN

There are no words. I am in shock, stunned! I really thought this was going to be it. I don't understand, but I'm not going to try to understand why. Why no matter how much money, blood, sweat, and tears we put into this, it's still not enough. Why don't we deserve this?? I feel like I just flushed 5 grand down the toilet. We are done, this was the end of the road for us, so now what?

I do not want to live anymore, the only thing I ever wanted out of my life was to have a child. If that dream is not going to be a reality then I have no reason to go on. IF has taken everything from me. It has changed the person I am, it has ruined my marriage, it has ruined friendships, it has put a strain on my work, and I have lost all faith in GOD. So really what do I have to keep me going???

We have a beautiful house, that we bought thinking we were going to start our family in it. It has big yard, and two big empty bedrooms. We bought more then we could afford to have this house for our family, we work paycheck to paycheck to make the bills each month. Now for what? I think its time to sell the house, at least then me and Dh can try to enjoy our lives, by going on vacations, buying things we want, going out for dinner.

We were not meant to have children of our own. Maybe there is a reason, I don't know, and I certainly don't care! This is unfair that millions of women have to go through this. This is a pain like no other.

This wait is killing me slowly!!

I have made it 7 days, but I don't know if I can make it the next 2! Not knowing is the hardest part of this whole process. I have been trying to stay busy and not think about it but being on bed rest, and stuck at home for the week makes this pretty hard to do. I have analyzed every twinge, cramp, and anything else that could potentially be coughed up as a pg symptom. Going back to work today made things a little easier, but I still thought about it a lot. As it gets closer I get more sick at the thought of that call.

I have tried to be really optimistic, our problem was the inversion. So if we correct the inversion the rest should be cake right? I would love to be able to say, well I have not had any implantation problems in the past, so it shouldn't be a problem now. Which means how can this not work, we have chosen two inversion free embies, and we have five pg to prove we don't have issues with implantation. But, what if? What if this is the cycle that they don't implant? What if the embryos were not strong enough to implant? What if we were able to transfer two embryos that did not have the inversion, but had another problem causing them to die? I have been driving myself crazy with these questions all week.

I keep reminding myself that I have been through the worst of it, I have had five m/c's, I know what to expect as far as the worst is concerned. I never thought I would make it through a second m/c after the first, but here I am still standing after five. So as much as I don't want that to happen again, I can take some comfort in knowing that I WILL SURVIVE! Only this time is different, this is it for us. We will not be able to do another PGD cycle, not anytime soon. So we have a lot riding on this cycle, and that's what makes this the hardest!

I wish that even if they call with a positive result on Wednesday, I still have to hope that my number is high enough, and then I have to go back on Friday and hope my number doubles nicely. The worst will not be over Wednesday, we still have to hope that even if I get pg, I stay pg!

ok, so I have to get through tomorrow, and then have to walk into that building Wednesday morning, get my blood drawn, and wait for them to call me. The thought of my phone ringing, and having to answer, having to listen for the results makes me nauseous. Its going to be a long two days!

I want these babies, I want it to be our turn. I feel like we have payed our dues! Please let this be it for us, PLEASE!!

Knowing is going to make this all a lot harder

I am so terrified that this won't work! Now that I know what they are it feels more real, they feel like real babies already. It is going to destroy me if I lose them, not that I wasn't destroyed with my other losses, but I never let myself wonder what sex they were. Damn it I wish we didn't know!! The last thing I needed was for this to be anymore real then it already is, I wanted to think of this as just a clinical process till we were out of the woods. haha I don't know what I was thinking, that would have been impossible too! If I lose this pg it is going to affect me in a way that none of my others did. I am already thinking of names, picturing the room, picking out matching outfits. Oh dear god! How am I going to get through the next 7 days?

Come on little ones stick! Hold on tight mommy wants to bring you both home!

ET done!!

I waited all morning very impatiently I must add for them to call me and let me know what time to come in. I don't know what we would have done had me or DH not been home on vacation this week. We didn't get the call till 12 and they asked us to be there at 3. My job is flexible and I would have been able to get out, but it would have been much harder for DH.

We sat in the waiting room for an hr I had ro drink 4-5 glasses of water, let me tell you this is not easy for me to do in the first place. I hate water! But with the OHSS I am so bloated and already feel so full all the time. Once in the recovery room I had to wait another 15 mins, with a very full bladder! The Dr finally came in, it was not our dr which was a little disappointing, but it was the same dr that did our ER so that was good. He went over the PGD report with us, we had two good blasts to transfer, both we unaffected by the inversion which is good. He said they were a little slow, but that he was not to worried about it. There was third which was ify, and he would have thrown that in to, but with my age, and the quality of the embryos he wanted to keep in mind out goal of A healthy baby.

We went in and did the transfer, it was neat to see them up on the tv, we watched him suck them up and then insert them in. He did say that one had expanded since that morning which was a good thing. I have no idea what that means but if he says its good, then yay!!

They wheeled me into my room and I immediately asked DH to give me the PGD paperwork to read over. I got half way down the second page when I noticed that the sexes of the embryos were listed. The two that we transferred were on the second page. I told my DH and he told me not to look! We always talked about not finding out, and letting it be a surprise. Especially after IF, all of the fun has been taken out of this for us as is. I really look forward to hearing them yell out IT"S A BOY! or IT"S A GIRL! I didnt want to look so I folded the paper over so I could not see the sexes. Unfortunately, the XY, and XX chromosomes where is the section I was reading. So I know what the sexes of both embryos that were transferred are. I didn't want to tell DH so I handed him the paper. He then went and made the same mistake. He stopped himself at the first one so only knows what one is. He got very upset, teary eyed even! I didn't want him to know that I know too, not yet maybe after the beta. I also know the sex of the third. I am a little bummed that they are all of the same sex, if we are fortunate to have this work I would go back and have the third transferred later for a sibling. I'm not saying I'm not going to now, but it would be nice to have one of each. I also wish that the two that were transferred today were of different sexes. Then it could still be a surprise because unless they both take we wouldn't know which one stuck!

Please don't misunderstand me, having a healthy baby means more to me then what the sex of the baby is. I gave up 4yrs ago wishing for one or the other. I am really just more bummed that its not going to be a surprise!

I go back for Beta on the 22nd, its going to be a long 9 days! Fingers crossed!

Follow up

I went in this morning because I wanted them to be aware that I am still in pain. I called the nurse ahead of time to ask her what she thought and she told me to come in right away. They did an u/s and saw some fluid, the dr said it was borderline OHSS. She left the decision up to me if we wanted to move forward with the transfer, I of course chose to move forward. She did warn me that If I do get pg the OHSS will get worse, but ensured me that they would monitor me closely and had ways to manage it. Here's to hoping it gets worse!!! lol

While I was sitting in the waiting room I got a call from the genetic lab to tell me that we were on for a Monday transfer. The nurse would call me Monday to tell me what time.

I'm getting excited!!

Day after ER

I woke up this morning and I don't feel any better, actually I think it may be worse. All I can think is no no no I do not want to have OHSS again! I know I have no power over this, but it really does not seem fair that I have to go through this twice. But there is nothing fair about IF I guess!
The nurse was suppose to call between 9-11 with the fert report. As of 1pm I had not heard anything so I called and left a message for my nurse. A little while later she called and asked how I was feeling. I told her I was still sore, she told me that I earned the right to be sore with 41 eggs! She did tell me that I am at risk for OHSS, and asked if I had had it before. She told me to start drinking gatorade, and to come in if the pain got worse. She told me that if it gets worse there is a possibility that we may have to cancel the transfer. NO!!!! I really don't want to cancel the transfer, I know I have no power over this, but NO NO NO!!!
She then told me that they icsi'd 36 eggs and 32 fertilized! I am soooooo happy with this number! I know that they won't all survive but that's a great number to start with. She said that they will do the biopsy on Saturday and call me to let me know what day we will do the transfer. So as if I didn't have enough to worry about, now I am worried about the outcome of the biopsy. How many will survive, how strong will they be, will they be of good quality, how many will not be affected by the inversion.
For now all I can do is sit and wait, I hate waiting! But IF is one big waiting game!

ER went well

The ER went well, they retrieved 41 eggs, yup, 41! Dh said that when they wheeled me in the nurse was calling me a hen! I woke up and I could feel right away I could feel the cramping. Dh went to get the nurse and she came right in to give me meds through my iv. She told me that I have every right to be sore with 41 eggs retrieved. In August when I had my first ER they got 35, so I was instantly worried about OHSS again! The nurses didn't mention anything, and I didn't feel like I did last time before I went in for the ER so I thought I was in the clear.
I sat and drank my apple juice and ate my crackers, and I heard them tell the girl next to me that they got 6 eggs. I thought wow, how hard that must be. I wanted to give her some of mine. I can't imagine going through all of this to get 6 eggs. I hope that they all fertilize for her and grow into healthy embies so she has some to freeze!
I came home and went to sleep for awhile, I was a little sore, but nothing like last time. Now that the night has progressed the pain hasn't gone away or lessen I'm a little worried. Having had OHSS before I know what it feels like. This is painful, but nowhere near as painful as last time. I weighed myself and have not gained any weight, and I am not swollen. Maybe I am still sore. I started to drink gatorade just in case, and have had a heating pad on for most of the night. They gave me a rx for percocet but it makes me sick so I am trying not to take unless I have to. I have taken some tylenol which has helped a little. I am terrified I might have OHSS again, I don't want to put off the transfer. This is so frustrating, but I am just going to hope for the best.
Tomorrow they will call with my fertilization report, I don't expect all 41 to fertilize or even survive. I'm just hoping for a high enough number that they can biopsy as many as possible giving us better odds of embies w/o the inversion.

Fingers crossed!

Triggering tonight!

Well, the time is here! I will be triggering tonight, I went for morning monitoring today and the dr told me everything looked great and I was looking at a wed, thurs ER. I should have been super excited, but instead I had this feeling of, do I want to do this? I am so nervous, this is our last chance at having a biological child together. I want this more then anything, but I am so scared!! I'm hoping this is a good sign, maybe it is my subconscious telling me this is it, this is our cycle! I will be going Wednesday for the ER, which means my ET will most likely be Monday. Oh god, I hope I get perfect little embies, inversion free!!! Fingers crossed!!!!

Oh to be sixteen again!

Tonight we had my cousin's sweet 16 party, it was this big wedding type event! Do you know what I did for my sweet 16? I had a sleepover with my closest friends, oh how times have changed! I did realize that I am getting old, I looked at these girls wearing these tight little dresses, giggling and being all shy around the boys, and I thought wow that was such a long time ago for me! Oh, to be to 16 again! I would love to go back, but only if I could know what I know now! I'm not going to lie, I was jealous of their care free attitudes, their biggest worry is will that cute boy ask me to dance? It was difficult to look at my baby cousin and realize she is growing into an adult now.

I had to start my stims tonight, of course I was due to take them at 7pm and that is exactly when the party started. I forgot to bring them with me, so I took them when I got home at 11ish, hope that doesn't mess anything up to bad. I don't know what it is, but I am so not into this this cycle. I know how that must sound, but I have been asking myself if I really want to do this? I think I am just nervous, but I do feel really calm. I have no anxiety, no worried, no hope, no stress. Just going into very blah!

Dh pointed out to me that I can't even go to a sweet 16 party and get away from the IF. We had a pg women at the table, and there were 4 young children looking adorable in their party clothes, dancing their little kid dances on the dance floor! I guess it has just become a way of life for me, I'm not going to say that it didn't bother me at all, but I have just come to expect it. I do ask myself every time I see a pg women, if she has any idea how lucky she is. Does she have any clue how blessed she is? Does she know how hard it is for some??

Off and running!

So we worked everything out with the pharmacy's and RE. I started my Lupron and we have another week to come up with the money for the Follistim. We actually got a letter from the insurance company stating that the lab that will be doing our PGD is not in network therefore we are responsible for 80%. We were under the impression that PGD was not covered at all, and that the entire amount would be out of pocket. So the news that we will be getting back 20% was actually a pleasant surprise. Maybe its a sign of positive things to come!

I'm starting to get really nervous about this cycle, this is really happening. Yes, this is not our first IVF cycle, but we have a lot more invested in this one. I can't help but worry about whether it will work, and we will have put out all this money to be devastated again. I am worried that like the last time they will have to cancel the PGD because our embryos are not strong enough. Or what if they test the embryos and find that all the embryos are affected by the inversion? Or worse, what if we successfully do the PGD, get pg and still have a m/c? At that point we would have done all of this just to be right back where we started. I am terrified that the inversion may not be the cause of our loses. I am also terrified that this cycle will determine if we will ever have a biological child together.

I am going for acupuncture tomorrow, I hope this will help reduce some stress and give me some peace of mind.

I find myself repeating this to myself daily, but I am so done with this. I just want this to be the cycle that makes us parents!

Update

So I got to talk to my nurse yesterday, I asked her to send my RX's to the pharmacy we have have been using all along. We are a member of a discount program there, which will help a little. She also agreed to send in the RX for the LUPRON now cause I need to start that next week. She will also send in the RX for different unit amounts of the Follistim, I can fill the Follistim script later this month when I am due to start it, and only get what I need at a time to cut down the cost.

My DH called and spoke with the insurance company and surprisingly enough there is nothing they can do!! He also called the financial department to find out when we will need to pay for the PGD so we can decide if we have time to recycle the money we do have. They informed him that our payment is due Tuesday!! Wonderful, more good news!!

This morning the pharmacy calls me at work to go over my order, set up delivery and get payment. I ask her how much it came to, are you ready? $10,000!!!!!! WHAT!? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?! I then asked how much for the meds, without including the Foliistim....$350.00. Ahh, much better I can handle that. After I got off the phone with them I realized what happened, she probably charged me for all the different units of Follistim, when I will only need some of them. Either way I have till the end of the month to figure it out.

So I guess we are set for now, until the next twist pops up!

I'm Soooo Over This!

Today I called my pharmacy to order and pay for my medications. I am set to start my Lupron on the 18th. So there I am credit card in my hand, and the women on the phone says..."your co-pay is $4,000" WHAT?! How much! Did insurance pay any of it? I called my insurance company and come to find out that with our new insurance we have to pay upfront and will be reimbursed at 90%.

Ok, I know how lucky we are to have insurance that will even pay 90% but, really where am I going to get $4,000? I know that there are women out there that pay for their entire cycles out of pocket, I don't know they do it and my hat goes off to them! We are fortunate enough to have my parents that have been kind enough to give us some of the money we need for the PGD, that is not covered by insurance at all. But they were not able to give us enough to cover it. So we need to come up with $3,000 by the time of our retrieval on the 4/11.

IF doesn't suck enough, without the stress of financial difficulties? I'm so over this whole thing! I just want to have my baby and look back at this time at the shittiest time in my life, but know it was all worth it to hear the words, "I love you mommy!"

She's here....

I am thrilled AF showed her face this morning....but along with her she brought god awful cramps, cravings, and back pain. Oh well all the price I pay!

So as of now here is the schedule for the month....

3/4- 3 day b/w, start bcp's
3/13- saline u/s
3/18- start lupron
3/27- start stimming
4/7-4/11- ER
Five days later ET!!

I am so excited to be starting this cycle, I am hopeful but terrified all at the same time! I am going to have to just take it one day at a time, I feel like I have been through the worst there is 5 times. I can do this!!

Look out IVF#2 HERE WE COME!!!!

10lbs!!!

I have been dieting since January 1st, as of this morning I was down 10lbs, and yesterday I had to go buy a belt on my lunch to keep my pants from falling down!!

I'm so super excited and it's getting easier!!

Aunt Flo where are you??

When I was younger I hated getting my period every month, I cursed her out each month. Then when we started TTC every time she would show her face I would fall apart knowing that another month had gone by and we weren't pg. I never thought I would be excited to get my period or even be waiting for it, but once we sought the help of an RE I found myself anxiously awaiting her arrival every month, waiting for her to show her face so we could move forward with our treatments.

Well here we are waiting to start a new cycle and of course she is no where to be found. I went to the RE, they did b/w and an u/s. It looks like I am not going to get a period anytime soon, so I can start Provera. YAY!!!! Yep, now I am taking meds to bring her on, and to top it all off I am thrilled about it lol!

So I am on day 2 of Provera, now we just wait for her arrival! I have to have a saline u/s done, then I can start bcp's and get going with this cycle!!!

For Better or for Worse

IF has taken a lot away from me in the last 4 years. It has broken my spirit, changed the person I am, and ruined many relationships in my life. I fear IF has started to take its toll on my relationship with DH.
It will be 11 years in March that we have been together, I was 18 when I met him. We have grown up together. We were always a fun couple, we enjoyed going places together, spending time together, doing lil romantic things from time to time. I always thought we were just an average couple. We will be married for 5 years in June, 4 of those years have been spent dealing with IF and we have had 5 m/c's. Thats more then the average couple has to deal with in their first 5 years of marriage. But for better or for worse right?? Don't get me wrong we have had our fair share of ups and downs, but we have never had a down like this. I can only hope that we can find it in ourselves to get through this together, and once we are on the other side we can look back at this time as the most difficult time in our marriage. I hope we can come out of this stronger, more united. Marriage is work, you have to work at it everyday, but between working on keeping our relationship solid, dealing with IF and the financial hardships that come with it, and struggling to get myself out of bed each day, I worry if its possible to come out of this together. Sometimes I question If I should continue with treatments...what if its more then the IF, what if we can't recover from this blow, what if we do get pg but it doesn't get better, did I really go through all of this to be a single parent? What if we are broken and can't be fixed? Worse what if we don't want to be fixed?

Back in the game!

We finally spoke with our new RE and we are going to move forward with IVF, and FISH in PGD. I could try to explain it, but I'm not really sure I understand it all. I have never been so happy to have married a micro-biologist as I was today! My husband was taking notes, asking questions and understood it all! The dr. has some concerns cause he feels like it is unlikely that the inversion would have caused all of our m/c's. He used the flipping a coin analogy, its unlikely that we would flip a heads every time, of course he doesn't know how bad our luck is! This of course has me concerned because if this is not the answer then what is it? We are investing a lot of money into this and if this is not the answer where do we go from here? But we have to take this one step at a time, so I'm just happy to finally have some answers and to be back in the game again! I feel like one big science project! He is intrigued but said there are currently no clinical studies at this time. So now I wait for AF, its looking like march/april. God I hope this is it!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preimplantation_genetic_diagnosis

Falling Apart

Falling Apart

We don't always have to be strong
Sometimes our strength is expressed in being vulnerable
Sometimes we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track
We all have days when we cannot push any harder,
cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible
Sometimes we cry in front of people
We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to.
We do not need to be perpetual towers of strength
WE ARE STRONG, we have proven that.
Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.
Today, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human.
Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to " fall apart".
~Uknown

Waiting Waiting Waiting!!!

I HATE WAITING!!!

Let me Back up for a minute, we were suppose to have a phone consult with the dr on Monday morning. Well we waited, and waited and waited....NOTHING!!!! We tried calling but kept getting the answering service. It is so annoying to me that at 7:30 in the morning they still have their answering service answering the phones! I guess this is the one thing that our old dr had to offer, I always knew when I could call and actually talk to a receptionist, I could ask to talk to an available nurse, and if there were none available I would leave a message and get a call back that day! Crazy HUH?!?
So I finally get a voice mail from a nurse once I am at work, she says I don't know if Dr. Scott called you if he didn't you can call to reschedule, he doesn't have all the info he needs to counsel you.
I call back on my lunch and SHOCKER I am unable to reach anyone. I left a message, and guess what? I did not get a call back all day!!!

Well at this point I decided that being nice and patient was going to get me no where, the squeaky wheel always gets the oil. So I called back the next day, this time I call my nurse. Again, no answer so I leave yet another message. In this message I make it clear that we are anxiously awaiting a call back and we are very eager to get this cycle started! Well again I do not get a call back...HELLO?! Do we even exist for petes sake?!?!

Whats one to do? How about call back the next day! I was going to call every chance I got until I heard something! So I finally get someone on the phone, and she says me and Maryellen (my nurse) were just talking about you and flagging stuff in your file. Ironic isn't it? Maybe its because I caught her off guard when she answered the phone. She asked if I could reschedule for today at 1pm, I said if that was the only time slot available we would make it work. She explained that the dr still needs more info before he can talk with us.

Ok, so now I am waiting....Again!!!

Well, I get a voice mail while I'm at work, that there is a hang up with the lab and the info the dr needs before he will meet with us. Maryellen is stalking the lab and I will be holding appts for you every few days until we get the info we need.

Wonderful!

I'm tired of waiting, really tired of waiting!! Its been 3 yrs of waiting, haven't I put my time in yet? Haven't I paid my dues? I was feeling so positive that this was our year, but with every day that passes I am losing more hope. If I don't start cycling soon we will not be ready to do this by March. I'm sure you guys can do the math, but in case your missing the obvious if I don't get pregnant my March then we are out for 2009!

I tired! I'm worn out! I don't want to do this anymore! I want to have our baby, I want to be pregnant, I want it so bad I can feel it. I can see the decorated nursery, and the pg belly which, oh by the way thanks to IF and depression, will not be a cute pg belly anymore.

SO for now we sit and wait, we can do nothing more then just sit and wait!