It has been a rough couple of days. I left work on Wednesday a complete mess, I should not have taken the call at work. But I was so sure it worked, I was more worried about the beta number and if it was going to be high enough. I feel like such an idiot, I was totally blindsided!
My Dh is taking this harder then I thought he would, he always tries to be so strong for me, but I can see how much this is affecting him now. When we started this, I was dragging him into it. He wanted to wait a little while before we started trying. I also think that he thought once we went to the RE we would get pg quickly, as did I. Neither one of us ever foresaw the long hard road we had ahead of us. But I think after the 3rd m/c he realized how much he wanted this too! I am to devastated to take care of him right now, I know that sounds awful but I just don't have it in me right now. We are suppose to be a team in this, but IF has torn us apart. We are no longer a team. Last week when we were both home I felt like we really reconnected, we had a good time together and I felt like we were going through this together. That was all ripped away from me on Wednesday morning.
I went to work yesterday and cried all day. I work at a childcare center, where I am surrounded by it. It was heart breaking to look at all these children who were conceived so easily. Why was I chosen to have go through this? What did I do to deserve this? My bosses asked me all day if I wanted to go home, but I have taken so much time off due to IF I didn't want to lose anymore time. Then at the end of the day my boss came up to me and told me to think about taking today off. She suggested I try to come in, because it is better for me to be there then laying in bed crying all day, especially since she knows that is what I will be doing all weekend. I told her I would be here, like I said I don't want to waste anymore days to IF. Funny thing is I was not able to get any sleep last night, maybe an hr. I woke up this morning and just could not drag myself out of bed.
All I want to do is sleep, I want to pull the blankets over my head and sleep. I want to escape all the pain. I want to get away from this life. I look at my friends, and family and all I see is pain in their eyes. I know they care about me, but it kills me to look at them, knowing I will never give them a son/daughter, or grandchildren. I am looking into taking a leave of absence from work. I just need some time. I don't know how much time or if time will even help, but I want to lock myself in my room away from everyone and just sleep. Everyone is worried about me, my parents came over last night after I didn't answer any of the 5 calls. They sat will me trying to make me feel better, but they just don't get it. My mom wanted to bring me to the hospital, cause she said I am not ok. NO SHIT!! Of course I am not ok, how can you expect me to be ok right now? They thought about canceling their trip to FL, they left this morning. They also tried to take me with them. Its great that they care about me, but really all I want is to be left alone. I asked them a number of times to leave, they lept saying they weren't going anywhere till they knew I was ok. Once Dh got home they felt better and were able to leave. I guess I need to be babysat. I'm not going to lie, I have thought about how it would be better to not live at all then to live like this. This life hurts to much. I use to have hope that it would all get better, that in the end it would all be worth it. But it's not ok, its not worth it!!!
I have said goodbye to my friends on the NEST, they have been my support system for the last 4 yrs. They are an amazing group of women. They understand what your going through, your thoughts and feelings all make sense on this board. There is no judging, just support. Everyday no matter what you are going through, they were there to cheer you on! I miss them tremendously! But we are done TTC, so I no longer belong there. It may be a selfish decision, because I should return the favor and be there for them right now. But it hurts to much right now to see these wonderful girls get their BFP's. I wish only the best for all of them, but I just cannot handle that right now.
I am giving myself some time to grieve, then I have to suck it up and move on! I need to decide where to go from here. We have some options, but we need to seriously discuss them. Donor sperm, embryo adoption, adoption, or a childless life.
Only time will tell where we will go from here.
P.S. Both embryos were boys!
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