Tears and Hope

In bringing awareness to NIAW I was given a link to this video that just sums up or road of IF. It brought me and DH to tears. It is exactly how it feels to be in this place, this awful place called IF.

Tears and Hope

Infertility affects 7.3 million Americans

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and it could not have come at a better time. After finding our that this cycle was a bust I am all about getting the word out there! I came out on my Facebook page, and although a lot of my friends and family already know, it felt good to be able to spread the word. I am not ashamed of this, this is our life now. I do not want to hide it anymore, yes there is a reason we do not have children yet, and no it is not by choice. If I can get the word out there and create a little bit of awareness then maybe this is all worth it.

This is the RESOLVE site, where you can find more information on how to get involved

And then there was 1!

So we thought it was over, we were out of the game. We have been throwing out different options, talking about where we are going to go from here.

Then yesterday my DH got the mail and we got a letter from our RE. One of our embies made it to freeze! I am trying not to get to excited, the day of our ET the Dr. told us it was a little slow, and not of the best quality. Of course, I will do the FET because ya never know maybe this is the one, but its just to soon after the BFN to get excited. I am excited to have another chance at this, I am excited that we are not totally out of the game just yet. I would feel better if there was 2 frozen just because we risk the chance of losing it when they thaw, also I have always felt that 2 would increase my chance at getting pg with 1. But I guess as I can see from this cycle that is not always the case.

So, now the question is when do I do it? Should I jump right into the cycle this month? This is what I really want to do, just because I am anxious. But once we complete this cycle if it doesn't work thats really it. Then we are officially done. If I wait a little while I have soemthing to hope for, to look forward to. I can wait till the summer when I am working 3 days a week. I will have the days off to go for the bw, u/s, and go to the appts. Or I can enjoy the summer, spend some time with DH, maybe go on vacation, and then do it in the fall.

I don't know what we are going to decide, but I am glad to know we have one last chance!

Adoption

I have not allowed myself to seriously think about adoption until now because I honestly thought we would get pg at some point. Everyone likes to suggest adoption like it's an easy solution...I'll get into that in minute. But in the back of my head I knew that if we did not get pg we would adopt. I knew that one way or another we would be parents. Did I love the idea no! To be honest I hated the idea, and its going to take sometime for me to truly accept that this is where our road has lead us. I am sad that we will not have children that look like us, that I will not be able to feel a baby kick inside me, or breastfeed my child. But I also worry about whether I will be able to bond with a child that is not mine, will I resent them, will I always want a child of my own? I also worry about how adoption affects the child, I know it sounds like a happily ever after story, "we tried for many years to have a child of our own, but God lead us to you." Yeah right, I'm sorry I don't care what anybody says adopted children have abandonment issues, I worry that no matter how much we love that child and give them this great life they might not have otherwise had they will still always wonder who there birth parents are, who they look like, and why they weren't good enough.

I know I am not in the right place right now to seriously look into adoption, but I thought I would check out some websites and see what exactly is involved.

I wonder if the same people that suggest adoption know how much is involved.I thought IF was hard, well this is overwhelming and intense! It is not as simple as putting your name on a list and waiting for a baby to be born. There is finding the right agency, creating a profile, interviews, home studies, fingerprinting the list goes on and on. Then after you complete all of that you hope a birth mother chooses you, then you wait and hope that she doesn't change her mind and that it doesn't fall through. After all that I have been through with IF I don't know if I could handle going through all of that for it to fall through. I have been through enough heart break thank you very much!!

I also wonder if all the people that suggest adoption so casually to the infertiles know how much it costs. Between lawyers fees, applications fees, fingerprinting, having your profile printed, home study visits, birth mother expenses, etc etc etc, we're looking at something between $20,000-50,000!! IF has emptied our bank accounts, and well we didn't have that before we started IF treatments anyway. How in the hell do people do this???

So at this point I am questioning if adoption is even an option for us.

Options

We have some options that we can now look into, sperm donor, embryo adoption, domestic adoption, and international adoption.

Before we went into this cycle I talked to my DH about using a sperm donor if this didnt not work. We have not sat down and had a serious conversation about it yet, DH likes to take one thing at a time. I am not the most positive thinker, so he tries to be hopeful for both of us. The little that we have talked about it he has expressed that he is not super thrilled with the idea. I'm not sure I can blame him, as much as it upsets me. I think he would have a hard time knowing that it was biologically mine but not his. I tried to explain that a father is not just sperm, he is going to be their daddy no matter what. I don't know I think men have these animalistic thoughts about being able to spread their seed. Ugh, MEN!! I don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I would hate for him to do this for me, and wind up resenting me or the baby because this is not something he wanted. I am not in the situation, but I would like to think that if it was my eggs that were preventing us from getting pg I would be ok with an egg donor. But I would also have the benefit of being able to carry that child for 9 months, and bond with them, he would not have that advantage.

So onto embryo adoption, I don't really know much about adopting an embryo, and have to find out more about that. But I have to admit of all the options this seems like the best fit for us. My DH would be able to accept it better because it would be neither of ours, but I would still get to carry it, give birth, nurse all of the things I would do if it was ours. The problem is that will embryo adoption we risk the chance that it may not work. What if it doesn't implant, or what if the reason for our m/c's is not the inversion but is something to due with me and I m/c the embryo. I am not sure we want to spend that kind of money for more heart break. I also think that embryo adoption is fairly new, therefore I would have to find a reputable agency that deals with this. I also don't know how long the wait would be or how many are available.

Domestic adoption is ideally my first choice if we have to adopt. But I know that the wait is long for a healthy white newborn. This is not the 1950's where young pg girls were sent off to have their babies and the babies were easily adopted. I believe domestic adoption is more expensive then international, as well has longer and more difficult of a journey. I don't know a lot about adoption and will have to start researching this.

International adoption seems like it would be complicated, which country do we adopt from. I believe you have to go to the country more then once before the child is released and able to come home to the USA. Not to mention the children are usually older, I know maybe I am being selfish, but I really want a newborn baby. I want to have them from day one. I also worry about the transition for them, the are taken from everything they know to place where no one speaks their language. That has got to make for a long hard transition.

Foster adoption this seems fairly easy, I think that there is a big demand for foster parents and would probably be placed quickly. If I already had children of my own I would be all over this, because I would love to help children that have come from bad situations. But, I could not foster a child, fall in love with them, be their mom for all intensive purposes, just to have to give them back when their parents decide to get their act together. Also you risk the chance of getting a very difficult child, and I could never ask for them to be removed from the home, It breaks my heart that these children are shuffled from one home to the next.

So these are our options, I don't know much about any of them and really have to do some serious research before we can make any decisions. I think it is time that I start talking to other people about our options and get some advice from people that may have been down this road before. I will be visiting websites, messages boards, and we know a few people in RL that have adopted. None of these options are easy or are going to but a baby on my arms tomorrow, but it is where our road has lead us.

Rough couple of days

It has been a rough couple of days. I left work on Wednesday a complete mess, I should not have taken the call at work. But I was so sure it worked, I was more worried about the beta number and if it was going to be high enough. I feel like such an idiot, I was totally blindsided!

My Dh is taking this harder then I thought he would, he always tries to be so strong for me, but I can see how much this is affecting him now. When we started this, I was dragging him into it. He wanted to wait a little while before we started trying. I also think that he thought once we went to the RE we would get pg quickly, as did I. Neither one of us ever foresaw the long hard road we had ahead of us. But I think after the 3rd m/c he realized how much he wanted this too! I am to devastated to take care of him right now, I know that sounds awful but I just don't have it in me right now. We are suppose to be a team in this, but IF has torn us apart. We are no longer a team. Last week when we were both home I felt like we really reconnected, we had a good time together and I felt like we were going through this together. That was all ripped away from me on Wednesday morning.

I went to work yesterday and cried all day. I work at a childcare center, where I am surrounded by it. It was heart breaking to look at all these children who were conceived so easily. Why was I chosen to have go through this? What did I do to deserve this? My bosses asked me all day if I wanted to go home, but I have taken so much time off due to IF I didn't want to lose anymore time. Then at the end of the day my boss came up to me and told me to think about taking today off. She suggested I try to come in, because it is better for me to be there then laying in bed crying all day, especially since she knows that is what I will be doing all weekend. I told her I would be here, like I said I don't want to waste anymore days to IF. Funny thing is I was not able to get any sleep last night, maybe an hr. I woke up this morning and just could not drag myself out of bed.

All I want to do is sleep, I want to pull the blankets over my head and sleep. I want to escape all the pain. I want to get away from this life. I look at my friends, and family and all I see is pain in their eyes. I know they care about me, but it kills me to look at them, knowing I will never give them a son/daughter, or grandchildren. I am looking into taking a leave of absence from work. I just need some time. I don't know how much time or if time will even help, but I want to lock myself in my room away from everyone and just sleep. Everyone is worried about me, my parents came over last night after I didn't answer any of the 5 calls. They sat will me trying to make me feel better, but they just don't get it. My mom wanted to bring me to the hospital, cause she said I am not ok. NO SHIT!! Of course I am not ok, how can you expect me to be ok right now? They thought about canceling their trip to FL, they left this morning. They also tried to take me with them. Its great that they care about me, but really all I want is to be left alone. I asked them a number of times to leave, they lept saying they weren't going anywhere till they knew I was ok. Once Dh got home they felt better and were able to leave. I guess I need to be babysat. I'm not going to lie, I have thought about how it would be better to not live at all then to live like this. This life hurts to much. I use to have hope that it would all get better, that in the end it would all be worth it. But it's not ok, its not worth it!!!

I have said goodbye to my friends on the NEST, they have been my support system for the last 4 yrs. They are an amazing group of women. They understand what your going through, your thoughts and feelings all make sense on this board. There is no judging, just support. Everyday no matter what you are going through, they were there to cheer you on! I miss them tremendously! But we are done TTC, so I no longer belong there. It may be a selfish decision, because I should return the favor and be there for them right now. But it hurts to much right now to see these wonderful girls get their BFP's. I wish only the best for all of them, but I just cannot handle that right now.

I am giving myself some time to grieve, then I have to suck it up and move on! I need to decide where to go from here. We have some options, but we need to seriously discuss them. Donor sperm, embryo adoption, adoption, or a childless life.

Only time will tell where we will go from here.

P.S. Both embryos were boys!

BFN

There are no words. I am in shock, stunned! I really thought this was going to be it. I don't understand, but I'm not going to try to understand why. Why no matter how much money, blood, sweat, and tears we put into this, it's still not enough. Why don't we deserve this?? I feel like I just flushed 5 grand down the toilet. We are done, this was the end of the road for us, so now what?

I do not want to live anymore, the only thing I ever wanted out of my life was to have a child. If that dream is not going to be a reality then I have no reason to go on. IF has taken everything from me. It has changed the person I am, it has ruined my marriage, it has ruined friendships, it has put a strain on my work, and I have lost all faith in GOD. So really what do I have to keep me going???

We have a beautiful house, that we bought thinking we were going to start our family in it. It has big yard, and two big empty bedrooms. We bought more then we could afford to have this house for our family, we work paycheck to paycheck to make the bills each month. Now for what? I think its time to sell the house, at least then me and Dh can try to enjoy our lives, by going on vacations, buying things we want, going out for dinner.

We were not meant to have children of our own. Maybe there is a reason, I don't know, and I certainly don't care! This is unfair that millions of women have to go through this. This is a pain like no other.

This wait is killing me slowly!!

I have made it 7 days, but I don't know if I can make it the next 2! Not knowing is the hardest part of this whole process. I have been trying to stay busy and not think about it but being on bed rest, and stuck at home for the week makes this pretty hard to do. I have analyzed every twinge, cramp, and anything else that could potentially be coughed up as a pg symptom. Going back to work today made things a little easier, but I still thought about it a lot. As it gets closer I get more sick at the thought of that call.

I have tried to be really optimistic, our problem was the inversion. So if we correct the inversion the rest should be cake right? I would love to be able to say, well I have not had any implantation problems in the past, so it shouldn't be a problem now. Which means how can this not work, we have chosen two inversion free embies, and we have five pg to prove we don't have issues with implantation. But, what if? What if this is the cycle that they don't implant? What if the embryos were not strong enough to implant? What if we were able to transfer two embryos that did not have the inversion, but had another problem causing them to die? I have been driving myself crazy with these questions all week.

I keep reminding myself that I have been through the worst of it, I have had five m/c's, I know what to expect as far as the worst is concerned. I never thought I would make it through a second m/c after the first, but here I am still standing after five. So as much as I don't want that to happen again, I can take some comfort in knowing that I WILL SURVIVE! Only this time is different, this is it for us. We will not be able to do another PGD cycle, not anytime soon. So we have a lot riding on this cycle, and that's what makes this the hardest!

I wish that even if they call with a positive result on Wednesday, I still have to hope that my number is high enough, and then I have to go back on Friday and hope my number doubles nicely. The worst will not be over Wednesday, we still have to hope that even if I get pg, I stay pg!

ok, so I have to get through tomorrow, and then have to walk into that building Wednesday morning, get my blood drawn, and wait for them to call me. The thought of my phone ringing, and having to answer, having to listen for the results makes me nauseous. Its going to be a long two days!

I want these babies, I want it to be our turn. I feel like we have payed our dues! Please let this be it for us, PLEASE!!

Knowing is going to make this all a lot harder

I am so terrified that this won't work! Now that I know what they are it feels more real, they feel like real babies already. It is going to destroy me if I lose them, not that I wasn't destroyed with my other losses, but I never let myself wonder what sex they were. Damn it I wish we didn't know!! The last thing I needed was for this to be anymore real then it already is, I wanted to think of this as just a clinical process till we were out of the woods. haha I don't know what I was thinking, that would have been impossible too! If I lose this pg it is going to affect me in a way that none of my others did. I am already thinking of names, picturing the room, picking out matching outfits. Oh dear god! How am I going to get through the next 7 days?

Come on little ones stick! Hold on tight mommy wants to bring you both home!

ET done!!

I waited all morning very impatiently I must add for them to call me and let me know what time to come in. I don't know what we would have done had me or DH not been home on vacation this week. We didn't get the call till 12 and they asked us to be there at 3. My job is flexible and I would have been able to get out, but it would have been much harder for DH.

We sat in the waiting room for an hr I had ro drink 4-5 glasses of water, let me tell you this is not easy for me to do in the first place. I hate water! But with the OHSS I am so bloated and already feel so full all the time. Once in the recovery room I had to wait another 15 mins, with a very full bladder! The Dr finally came in, it was not our dr which was a little disappointing, but it was the same dr that did our ER so that was good. He went over the PGD report with us, we had two good blasts to transfer, both we unaffected by the inversion which is good. He said they were a little slow, but that he was not to worried about it. There was third which was ify, and he would have thrown that in to, but with my age, and the quality of the embryos he wanted to keep in mind out goal of A healthy baby.

We went in and did the transfer, it was neat to see them up on the tv, we watched him suck them up and then insert them in. He did say that one had expanded since that morning which was a good thing. I have no idea what that means but if he says its good, then yay!!

They wheeled me into my room and I immediately asked DH to give me the PGD paperwork to read over. I got half way down the second page when I noticed that the sexes of the embryos were listed. The two that we transferred were on the second page. I told my DH and he told me not to look! We always talked about not finding out, and letting it be a surprise. Especially after IF, all of the fun has been taken out of this for us as is. I really look forward to hearing them yell out IT"S A BOY! or IT"S A GIRL! I didnt want to look so I folded the paper over so I could not see the sexes. Unfortunately, the XY, and XX chromosomes where is the section I was reading. So I know what the sexes of both embryos that were transferred are. I didn't want to tell DH so I handed him the paper. He then went and made the same mistake. He stopped himself at the first one so only knows what one is. He got very upset, teary eyed even! I didn't want him to know that I know too, not yet maybe after the beta. I also know the sex of the third. I am a little bummed that they are all of the same sex, if we are fortunate to have this work I would go back and have the third transferred later for a sibling. I'm not saying I'm not going to now, but it would be nice to have one of each. I also wish that the two that were transferred today were of different sexes. Then it could still be a surprise because unless they both take we wouldn't know which one stuck!

Please don't misunderstand me, having a healthy baby means more to me then what the sex of the baby is. I gave up 4yrs ago wishing for one or the other. I am really just more bummed that its not going to be a surprise!

I go back for Beta on the 22nd, its going to be a long 9 days! Fingers crossed!

Follow up

I went in this morning because I wanted them to be aware that I am still in pain. I called the nurse ahead of time to ask her what she thought and she told me to come in right away. They did an u/s and saw some fluid, the dr said it was borderline OHSS. She left the decision up to me if we wanted to move forward with the transfer, I of course chose to move forward. She did warn me that If I do get pg the OHSS will get worse, but ensured me that they would monitor me closely and had ways to manage it. Here's to hoping it gets worse!!! lol

While I was sitting in the waiting room I got a call from the genetic lab to tell me that we were on for a Monday transfer. The nurse would call me Monday to tell me what time.

I'm getting excited!!

Day after ER

I woke up this morning and I don't feel any better, actually I think it may be worse. All I can think is no no no I do not want to have OHSS again! I know I have no power over this, but it really does not seem fair that I have to go through this twice. But there is nothing fair about IF I guess!
The nurse was suppose to call between 9-11 with the fert report. As of 1pm I had not heard anything so I called and left a message for my nurse. A little while later she called and asked how I was feeling. I told her I was still sore, she told me that I earned the right to be sore with 41 eggs! She did tell me that I am at risk for OHSS, and asked if I had had it before. She told me to start drinking gatorade, and to come in if the pain got worse. She told me that if it gets worse there is a possibility that we may have to cancel the transfer. NO!!!! I really don't want to cancel the transfer, I know I have no power over this, but NO NO NO!!!
She then told me that they icsi'd 36 eggs and 32 fertilized! I am soooooo happy with this number! I know that they won't all survive but that's a great number to start with. She said that they will do the biopsy on Saturday and call me to let me know what day we will do the transfer. So as if I didn't have enough to worry about, now I am worried about the outcome of the biopsy. How many will survive, how strong will they be, will they be of good quality, how many will not be affected by the inversion.
For now all I can do is sit and wait, I hate waiting! But IF is one big waiting game!

ER went well

The ER went well, they retrieved 41 eggs, yup, 41! Dh said that when they wheeled me in the nurse was calling me a hen! I woke up and I could feel right away I could feel the cramping. Dh went to get the nurse and she came right in to give me meds through my iv. She told me that I have every right to be sore with 41 eggs retrieved. In August when I had my first ER they got 35, so I was instantly worried about OHSS again! The nurses didn't mention anything, and I didn't feel like I did last time before I went in for the ER so I thought I was in the clear.
I sat and drank my apple juice and ate my crackers, and I heard them tell the girl next to me that they got 6 eggs. I thought wow, how hard that must be. I wanted to give her some of mine. I can't imagine going through all of this to get 6 eggs. I hope that they all fertilize for her and grow into healthy embies so she has some to freeze!
I came home and went to sleep for awhile, I was a little sore, but nothing like last time. Now that the night has progressed the pain hasn't gone away or lessen I'm a little worried. Having had OHSS before I know what it feels like. This is painful, but nowhere near as painful as last time. I weighed myself and have not gained any weight, and I am not swollen. Maybe I am still sore. I started to drink gatorade just in case, and have had a heating pad on for most of the night. They gave me a rx for percocet but it makes me sick so I am trying not to take unless I have to. I have taken some tylenol which has helped a little. I am terrified I might have OHSS again, I don't want to put off the transfer. This is so frustrating, but I am just going to hope for the best.
Tomorrow they will call with my fertilization report, I don't expect all 41 to fertilize or even survive. I'm just hoping for a high enough number that they can biopsy as many as possible giving us better odds of embies w/o the inversion.

Fingers crossed!

Triggering tonight!

Well, the time is here! I will be triggering tonight, I went for morning monitoring today and the dr told me everything looked great and I was looking at a wed, thurs ER. I should have been super excited, but instead I had this feeling of, do I want to do this? I am so nervous, this is our last chance at having a biological child together. I want this more then anything, but I am so scared!! I'm hoping this is a good sign, maybe it is my subconscious telling me this is it, this is our cycle! I will be going Wednesday for the ER, which means my ET will most likely be Monday. Oh god, I hope I get perfect little embies, inversion free!!! Fingers crossed!!!!