The start of a New Year!

Well, it's New Year's Eve. I hate this holiday I think it is the worst of all. Another year gone. Its not just because of IF its everything. I think it is just the most depressing holiday. I sit here and watch the ball drop, and think another year gone and what have I done? I am another year older, and have nothing to show for it. Then they go and play Ole Lang sine, oh dear god I mine as well slit my wrists now!!

2008 was not all bad, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband, a super supportive family, great friends that are always there for me whenever I need them. We have a beautiful house, my furbaby Bailey who no matter what loves me and is there to kiss away my tears. We are both fortunate to have our jobs, and health. We got a second opinion which has lead to us finally having a little bit of hope. And yes, we did lose yet another baby, but we are closer to having a healthy full term baby because of it. We have some answers, some hope and that is more then we have had in past years.

Every year we call our families after midnight to wish them a Happy New Year. My mother in law always says the same thing, "This is your Year!" This year I am confident that yes 2009 IS OUR YEAR!!! So here is to a New Year, filled with hope, joy, laughter, and love!

Happy Healthy 2009 to everyone!!

Survived Christmas

Let me start by saying that of all days for Aunt Flo to show her face she chose Christmas eve!! Of course my dr.'s office was closed for Christmas eve, Christmas day, and the day after. Which means I was unable to get my day 3 blood work taken. I did have birth control pills from my last cycle left so I started taking them to cover my basis. I just can't cut a break here!! The good news? I actually survived Christmas!! It took me forever to get into the spirit, my husband put the lights up outside, got the tree decorated, and decorated a lot of the house all because I just couldn't get it together. It killed me to watch him hang the angel ornament on the top of the tree, I bought it the Christmas I had my first Miscarriage. I looked at our first Christmas ornament,and our first Christmas in our new home ornament, it made me sad all I could think is their should be another first Christmas ornament on the tree. I have to thank my husband though, he was amazing, he pulled it together. There would have been no Christmas without him. I did finally get it together, the week before Christmas it suddenly hit me, I am letting IF win! Was I really going to let IF take away this holiday? NO! So then it was a mad rush to get the gifts, send out the cards, wrap, finish decorating, and put together Christmas eve! This might have actually been the first Christmas I didn't cry. Maybe its because I have hope that this next cycle is going to the be THE cycle!! I even told my husband that we won't have to worry about who's house Christmas is at next year cause I will be in the hospital having a baby! We have a phone consultation with the dr. on the 5th, I am hoping we will get the green light and can start our cycle. Fingers crossed that this is it for us!!

Naming rights

Let me give you some of the back story:
DH and I have our names picked out, as silly as it may seem it keeps me sain to discuss and plan things within my control. DH really wanted a jr, but I am not crazy about jrs. So to win this fight I suggested Jack cause I love the name, but it happens to be his dads name. DH agreed to it. When I was born I was suppose to be a Michaela, my mom hated and refused. I love the name and since I was little have promised my dad this would be my first daughters name. So I figured we had it covered, our girl name honored my family and our boy name honored his.


Fast forward to last night: my mom says to me in front of my dad, "dad doesn't want you to name the baby Jack". I say why?! to which I get no answer. I then say I hope your not asking me to name him Roger, my dads name, he says no but adds that he has a middle name. Alan? Dad you can't be serious! My mom reminds my dad that his father's name is John so it can honor him also. My dad says so where do I fit in to the family tree, on this branch way out here? Are you kidding you going to be his grandfather thats where you fit in!! I remind him if its a girl she is going to be Michaela, He says ok good. But we all know that we a 50% chance of getting a boy.

Was the money naming rights? Thanks so much dad as if I wasn't stressed enough!! My dad never asks anything of me, I guess he saves it up for the really big stuff!! I am so mad at him. I feel like he put me in an awful situation. I had to bite my tongue but all I wanted to say was oh I guess we have to name the baby after you since your giving us the money we need to have it!? Not to mention this is all so silly since I am not even pg yet!

How do I ever thank them

My mom called tonight to tell me, she talked with my dad and they want to give us the money. My dad said he would give me whatever it takes to get me this baby. I can't even begin to tell you how much this means to us. It is such a wonderful gift! I am worried that this might not work. This is a like gambling with their $5,000. I did explain this to them and they seemed to understand nothing is a sure thing. I have always hated asking my parents for money, and I really hate accepting it. But without we have to take out a loan, or this doesn't happen. I was also trying not to ask my parents for any money because if we decide to adopt I will need their help then. But as much as I feel wrong taking this money, I know this is our last chance at a biological child. How in the world do I ever thank them for this gift?

Finally some good news!

I am super excited, I love the RE, he was amazing. He was very down to earth and sympathetic which is a breathe of fresh air coming from my last practice. He also gave us more answers in the 20 mins we were in his office then I have gotten in the 3yrs at the last RE.

He has ruled out thrombosis, says it has very little to do with early loss's. It would be more likely to cause a loss later, like 9+ weeks.

He has do more "homework" but strongly believes its the inversion on my Dh's 10th chromosome. He made it seem like it is something that can be addressed with PGD or a procedure very similar. I asked if my PCOS could contribute to our loss's, and he said possibly but unlikely. If they look into the inversion and find that it is not the cause they will have to take a closer look at my genetic make up.

We talked about my previous IVF cycle, and how I got OHSS. I told him how terrified I am of OHSS again. He tole me he monitor closely and do the best he could. Once he did the u/s he said I need less LH, whatever that means, and that my ovaries are slightly PCOS like.

We met with the financial consultant and she explained that PGD is not covered by insurance. It is going to cost upwards of $5,000. I know a lot of you girls are oop, and I am very lucky to have the coverage we have, but I have no idea where we are going to get that much money.

I am so happy to have some answers. I am sad that we won't be able to move forward until January the earliest but could be as late as March. I am a little relieved that I am not the cause of the loss's because I have blamed myself a lot for them. I am most relieved to have answers!! I hope this is it I hope we can move forward from here and have our baby.

A weight has been lifted

I had my D&C on Friday and my bw on Monday showed my levels are going down, which means it was not ectopic. I am relieved that I won't have to do the methotrexate injections, was not looking forward to that at all! I am also relieved to be done with the emotional roller coaster and be done with the beta hell. I handled it all surprisingly well, I thought I would be a mess but I was actually more happy for it to be over. I am excited to move forward, we have a consult with a new dr on Monday and I am feeling really positive about this. I just want to get back on the horse asap!

It's finally over!

I had one of the other dr's today and he did an ultrasound, he thinks he might seem something, but it is not clear. Either way I was 6 weeks yesterday and both the dr's said they they should be able to see a fetus by now. So finally this is not a viable pg! I thought I was ready to hear those words, but as I sat in the room waiting for the dr to come in I lost it, knowing what was about to happen. When the ultrasound was over and told me I would be having a d&c on Friday I couldn't control the tears. I looked up at the screen, the empty screen, and wondered will I ever get to see a baby on that screen? Will I ever lay here and see a heartbeat, get to be excited, and think wow this is finally it we're having a baby. I am tired of fighting, I want this to be over, it just doesn't seem fair that anyone has to go through this much to have a baby. It was harder because I was alone, my husband had to work and couldn't come with me. Neither the dr or the nurse said anything, I'm sorry, or I know how hard this is, nothing not a word. I got to the car and just bawled!! I never thought I would be able to say I had 5 miscarriages! I hate that I can say that!

Still no answers

So today I went for the ultrasound, and the dr was unable for find anything. Here I thought I would be getting some answers today but no, I left still not knowing whats going on. He looked in my tubes and my cervix so he doesn't think its ectopic, but he was unable to clearly see anything. I have to wait for my numbers today and go back tomorrow, and then we might set up a d&c to see if that helps. If my numbers don't go down after the d&c then I will have to take a methotrexate injection in case it's an ectopic pg. I really don't want to do that so I am hoping the d&c will be enough.

Losing my patience!

After Saturday's call where the nurse messed up my number I am really starting to lose my patience with these people. I know it's not their fault that I am going through this, but it's hard enough emotionally, but added with their mix ups and I'm starting to go crazy!! I waited all day for their call today and when I hadn't heard from them by 4:30 I decided to call them. I got the nurse and she said oh yeah I called and left a message for you at home. WHY?!?! They have never called me at home, I have always asked them to call me on my cell. They can't even get this right!! SO my levels are now up to 221, I finally get to go in tomorrow for an ultrasound. I asked the nurse if there was any chance that this was a viable pregnancy, she said the numbers going up is a good thing but they should be higher at this point. I am hoping that I will get some answers tomorrow. I have done some research online and sometimes when levels are low and slowly rise it is a sign on an ectopic pg. I really hope that is not the case. Lucky my husband is off tomorrow so he will be there with me, just want this to be over!

Welcome to Beta Hell!!

Today I went back for my 5th beta, I was trying to be cautiously optimistic but I was also prepared for the worst. I got the phone call around 12:30, she told me the beta number was 31. I was a little disappointed, I was ready to move forward and was a little happy that this hell was over. I asked her if I could start my birth control pills, to start my new cycle. She told me she wasn't sure and had to ask the dr, she would call me back. When she finally called back I was in the shower, She said that she was wrong and the beta was not 31 it was 131, so it again went up and, and I should not start BCP's. The number did not double and at this point I am pretty sure that this is not a viable pregnancy. If this is not a viable pregnancy I just want to move forward, end this hell and start our next cycle. I HATE THIS!!!! I have to go back on Monday for more blood work, guess we'll see what happens.

Climb aboard the emotional roller coaster!!

I was suppose to go for blood work on Tuesday to check my beta, but after getting the news that my beta was barely moving on Sunday I decided I would just go on Thursday since I was going to be there for my consult anyway.
We met with the dr. and he confirmed that we have had another miscarriage. He pretty much compared this to rolling the dice, if you roll it enough times you will eventually get a 7. Great so I have to just keep rolling the dice! The problem is that with all of our loses, we have not been able to do any genetic testing because we have lost them so early, so we never get any answers. We have to many strikes against us and the only way to truly find out the cause is to try to fix one problem at a time. He suggested that we do two more Frozen Egg Transfers to use the embryos we have. He put me on Glucophage, and told me to continue with baby asprin and he would also put me on Heprin which is a blood thinner before our transfer. That would take out the PCOS factor, and the blood clotting disorder. If that did not work he suggested that we move forward with going to Chicago where they can do advanced genetic testing on our embryos. The problem is that if it my husbands inversion, it does not affect all his sperm, so we just have to get the one sperm that is not affected by it. We have never had much luck so I am going to guess we will not be lucky enough to get the unaffected sperm. So to put it simply we really don't have any answers. I am so looking forward to meeting with the new dr. and getting a fresh opinion. We got our records for the new dr and had my blood drawn.
I went to work and waited for the dreadful call where they would tell me that the numbers are dropping. I felt better with a plan, and knowing what to expect. While I was at work the nurse called and left a message on my cell phone. I listened to the message and are you ready? My levels have gone up to 97!! They doubled twice since Sunday. So I call back to make sure they had the right person, and they did!! I am trying to not allow myself to get excited because I have been down this road before, and the numbers are still really low, but a little part of me can't help but get excited. I did start bleeding last night because they took me off my supports on Sunday and I asked if I should start them back up but she said no, just to come in on Saturday to see if they go up again. So here we go now we wait, hope, and pray again!!

Third beta back

Beta went from 28 on Friday to 29.3, it's barely moving. I guess this is it for this pregnancy. I have to go back on Tuesday for more blood work and then on Thursday for my consult. I made an appt with a new dr for a second opinion, I am really excited about getting a second pair of eyes to look at my history. I hope that maybe they will have some answers for me, and maybe I can make 2009 our year!!!

Second beta back

I was having a lot of cramping today so I took a longer lunch so I could go home and lay down. I really don't want to push it. Well while I was home I got the call...."I'm sorry Tara, I don't have good news, your beta only went up to 28. This is the story of my life this is what happens with every miscarriage, granted this is very early probably my earliest, but I knew 24 wasn't a great number to start with. I was nervous all day, I really wanted those numbers to go up, I really wanted this to be the one. I am so angry, and heartbroken. I don't really know who to be angry with though, I am angry with God cause I prayed and prayed and prayed, I am angry with my dr. cause he keeps telling me this is a stroke of bad luck, cause he is missing something here. Five miscarriages is not just bad luck there is more to it. I am mad at my body cause I am afraid maybe I will never be able to carry our baby. I am mad at all the women that get pg so easily, that take it for grated, that get to feel complete happiness, while I sit here crying begging for one baby. Begging to know what that happiness feels like.
I am looking into getting a second opinion, I think its time for a fresh pair of eyes to look at my history. I am done with this, I feel like I am racing against the clock, every month that goes by is another month I am not pg. I am not getting any younger, I want to have our baby in my arms and put all this behind me.
I know that no one knows what to say after something like this continues to happen to people you love, but for all those of you that have loved ones going through this please please, don't suggest adoption. We will cross that bridge when we are ready, and all you are doing is, giving us what you think is the quick easy solution. It's not that easy.

Beta is in and.....

I'm pregnant! I'm in total shock I was so sure it was going to be negative! My beta is 24, which I think is low, but she said it's still very early. This is also why the hpt's came out negative. I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic, but I am also so scared I have been down this road before. I want this to be the one, and only positive thoughts from here on in. I go back Friday to make sure my levels are going up so I'll feel better then.

FREAKING OUT!!!!!

This morning when I took my progesterone suppositories I noticed bleeding, I know it is possible that I just hit the cervix which can cause some bleeding. I was on the fence about testing but after this morning I had to! I did not use FMU (first morning urine)but it came out negative. I am only 7dp5dt but I should have an accurate reading by now. I will test again tomorrow morning with FMU, I am trying to keep hope but its fading fast! I don't know if I can handle this. Why do we have to go through this? Its so unfair!

The dreadful 2 week wait

Here I am 5dp5dt and I'm losing my mind! I can't stop thinking about whether or not this worked. I am really trying to stay positive, this is going to work this is going to be the one that sticks this is going to be our baby! There is a part of me though that won't allow me to get to excited, I guess I am trying to protect myself. I see a lot of women it doesn't work for, yes I am lucky in the fact that I have gotten pg with every procedure, but I have also had four miscarriages. What if this does work, and I lose this one too? I was devastated when I lost my four angels, but this IVF cycle has taken a toll on me physically and emotionally, I have more invested in it this time. I want this so badly, I can't even begin to explain how badly I want this. I can almost see their little face, feel my heart swelling with love for them, the relief of finally being content knowing they are here in my arms safe.
My mom came over to bring me some homemade sauce, no she didn't call on Monday to check on me, but I have to except that's not my mom. It was kinda nice though we sat and had some tea together and just talked. She is trying to be positive, talking about how I will be due in June, and if it's twins probably May. I was trying not to think that far ahead, one day at a time, no getting excited not yet! Then she starts telling me don't eat tuna, and no frozen yogurt. OK, mom it's not official yet, lets relax. It was kinda nice to see her care so much, I don't get to see that a lot even though I know she always does.
My husband is trying to be as supportive as he can. My acupuncturist told me to stay away from cold foods, something about my chi. So he has made me chicken soup, and hot tea every night. Every time I even think about ice cream, or eating anything cold he reminds me, Nope not allowed! It's cute in a annoying way. I also mentioned that pineapple is suppose to help with implantation. Sure enough he came home with a pineapple. He's going to take good care of me when this does happen!
I am going to meet with psychologist on Monday, I need to talk to someone about how I'm feeling. I need to learn to cope with this emotions. I need someone to listen to me, even if they have no answers for me. I also have an acupuncture appointment I have faith that if nothing else this has helped me relax and get through this cycle a little less stressed.
I feel like I have done everything I can possibly do at this point. It is out of my hands now. I have to just sit and wait, wait for that dreadful call. I am counting down the days, hours, and minutes. I think it will get easier when I get back to work, laying around thinking about it all week I'm sure has not helped. I can do this! I have had to do way more difficult things! I will not test! I will wait till Wednesday!

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Lord, I ask you today and everyday to keep our angel babies safe until we can meet again.

In Memory of our angels
12/05 * 7/06 * 12/06 * 4/07

Snuggle in lil snowbabies

Today was our Embryo Transfer, everything went well it was a little more uncomfortable then I expected but I survived! I got very emotional while I waited for them to take me in, I guess it just hit me how real this all is, and how much I need for this to work. I am so tired of riding this IF roller coaster, and I want to get off! The nurse came in and gave us the picture of our embryos, my Husband said this needs to work so we can show our kids their very first baby picture. She also gave me the dates that I have to go back for my beta (pg test). I don't want to go their for my beta, I know I have to but as long as I don't I can convince myself that I am pg and live happily ever after, God that sounds so ridiculous! I have been through this enough times to know not to allow myself to get to excited, betas can drop as easily as they can rise. I hate that the excitement of a positive pg test has been taken away from me. I have the week off to rest and relax and focus on me and our lil snowbabies! We are going to a St. Gerard Novena tonight, I'm hoping this is a good sign. I have an acupuncture apt on Wednesday, and I am trying to stay as positive as possible. I had a real hard couple of weeks, but after having a heart to heart with my husband and talking to my RE and my acupuncturist I decided only positive thoughts from here on it. So now we wait, I go in on the 22nd for my first beta and the 24th for my second. Its going to be a long 9 days! Fingers crossed!

Is this to much to ask?

I'm trying to keep my faith and stay positive, but it is getting harder and harder.
I want to not hurt anymore, I want to feel our lil one inside me, I want to wonder if it will be a boy or girl, a Michaela or a Jack. I want to hold you, and see who's eyes you have. I want to tell you how badly mommy and daddy wanted you , how we would have gone to the end of the earth to get you. How mommy shed so many tears along the way, but in the end it was so worth it and she would do it all over to be holding you right now, loving you, looking into your big beautiful eyes, those lil fingers wrapped around mine. Watching you grow, crawl, walk, hearing you say mommy the for the first time, oh how I dream of your little voice calling out for me!
I want it to be my turn, I want to be a mother, I want to get out of this quick sand that is slowly pulling me deeper and deeper. I want put all this behind me knowing it was all worth it in the end. I have put my time in, I have cried endlessly, I have given myself the shots, I have rode the emotional roller coaster. I have Felt the excitement with each positive beta, I have felt the heart break with each m/c. I have felt the pain of each painful procedure, from d&c's to OHSS.
I want the excitement of being pg back. I remember our 1st pg we were so nieve, so excited, we told everyone, I surprised DH, we talked about how exciting the upcoming year was going to be. Then in 6 short weeks I was robbed of that!
I want to be the couple people see on the outside, the happy couple, with jobs we enjoy, a beautiful house, a dog in the yard. but we're dying inside, a empty room sits across the hall just waiting for a crib, just waiting for our baby to come home.
I want to be happy again I want my DH to stop looking at me with those sad eyes, I want to make our parents grandparents, we are their only chance at this, both being only children. I want to laugh with my single friends, and have stories to share with my friends with children. I want to get to work on time and be able to do my job w/o thinking about what the RE will tell me in that next dreaded phone call! I want to not resent every women who is pg, I want to be happy for them. I want to be able to listen to them talk about morning sickness, or look at their sonogram pics w/o tearing up. I want to decide with my DH its time to start a family, and have our dream come true in one shot, hell I'll settle for a few months!
Is this to much to ask??

Forgetting it all for just one night!

We had a friends wedding Saturday night, it was the best time I have had in a LONG time, it did help that before we got there I decided I was going to get smashed! But that wasn't the only reason I enjoyed myself. The church was so nice, they gave a moment for private prayer which I thought was nice. I couldn't help but be sad thinking about our wedding. Four years, its seems like yesterday! But it's sad now looking back, I was so naive, but it was also probably the last day I was truly happy. I want to be happy again! Anyway, it was nice to see old friends and even nicer to see that a guy I graduated with is losing his hair!! I'm awful, God help me lol! I did get to have two drinks, before it happened. I was talking to an old friend she asked how long we had been married, I said four years. She didn't hear me so I said it will be five in June. When I heard myself say that it hit me five years! Still no children! She then asked, so are you going to have babies? Her mom quickly nudged her but the damage was done. I said yup when the time is right. I did manage to get beyond wasted and me and my husband had a great time we danced, laughed, and well enjoyed some quality time together when we got home ;o) I thought the next morning well, it was a fun night I couldn't have had that much fun if I was pg. I also wished I could put all the IF stuff behind me and just enjoy a child free life. I haven't enjoyed my Husbands company like that in years, it was so much fun and carefree! Oh to be carefree again!

I HATE MONDAYS!

This is what this Monday had to offer me.....I have a very close co-worker who is like a second mom to me. She has been there while I planned my wedding, through the tough times with my husband, and now through IF. She listens, lets me cries, lets me know when I'm being hormonal, and puts me in my place when I need it. I felt like she understood where I was coming from since she lost twins at 6 months. This is going back 30yrs when they couldn't save them. I could see and hear the pain she still feels when she talks about them 30 yrs later. She did go on to have a daughter and a son. She actually made a promise to Mother Mary that if she blessed her with a child she would name it after her, hence her daughter Mary. Like I said we have been very close and I attended her daughters wedding 3 yrs ago, I had just gotten my first BFP a few weeks before that and can remember dancing at the wedding and she asked, how do you feel? Wonderful I answered! The next day I started to bleed and lost the pg two week later. We talked about Mary having a baby, but it was always no she's not ready yet. I was relieved by this and felt like I didn't have to race against the clock hoping to get pg before her so I didn't have to deal with the painful announcement. But I was also anxious knowing that one day it was going to happen. Last October she told be they were going to start trying, right away my stomach dropped and I panicked knowing the reality of the situation. At this time I talked to her and told her that as hard as it might be for me to hear or for her to tell me she had to tell me when it happened. I also told her that I am going to be so happy for her, but so sad for me. She understood and we both actually cried at the thought of that day. OK, so for the past two weeks I have had a gut feeling that Mary was pg. I had not evidence and nothing to go off of but something told me it was about to happen. I ignored it for a week or so, but Monday I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't take waiting for the bomb to drop. I asked another a co-worker who is actually her BFF. She nearly dropped her water and said, uh uh uh, yeah she is. I lost it right there. She then said that Kathy had been wrestling with how to tell me and was having an equally hard time with this (doubtful). I then went out and to Kathy and said I need to talk, of course I was crying and she was franticly asking whats wrong?! I finally got the words out, I know. She started crying and we hugged. I felt relieved the anxiety of this day coming was gone, but I was devastated at the same time, surprisingly not because her daughter was pg but because I felt like I just lost a friend, my second mom. She was my safe friend she knew how it felt to lose a pg, and she was not going to announce she was pg anytime soon lol she's almost 60! But now I feel like I can't talk to her anymore, I feel like she won't understand anymore. My husband says to give it time and things will get less weird, but I'm afraid they might not. What if they don't? I was prepared to be devastated over the pg news but never thought I would feel like this. I couldn't go to work on Tuesday just to much to deal with, but then today if was like we both avoided each other. I'm so sad to have lost yet another friend to IF. She said one thing that really struck me and she was so right, I said Kathy its just so hard, she said I know, I can only imagine its so hard for me, I don't want to hurt you I love you, but at the end of the day I still get to be a grandma. I wasn't mad, but I was thinking and I felt bad that it was hard for her to tell me, but she was right she can be relieved that it was out and now just get to be excited. GOD I HATE THIS!!!! I want her to be happy but when is it going to be my turn? When do I get to be happy?

I know how IF effects me, but my husband?

I know that IF has taken a toll on me physically and emotionally, I know how much it hurts. But how does it effect my husband? I watched Oprah yesterday and it was about men who are having affairs. The Dr. she had on said that the average couple talks for twelve minutes a day, twelve minutes!!! I thought about us and I can believe that, we have dinner in front of the t.v. we both open our lap tops and maybe say a few words through out the night. It's sad I miss the old us, the fun us! The Dr. also pointed out that if you talked about what you talk about now when you were dating you would have never gotten married. How true is that? How many of us talk about finances, work, the home improvements, IF?? I know this is true for us, we get twelve minutes a day and ten of them are about IF. Two of them are about our finances. I pointed this out to my husband tonight I also added that when I bring up IF it seems like he shuts down and stops listening, believe me I wish I didn't have to talk about it either there are a lot of other things I would rather talk about, but it consumes me. I'm tired of hearing myself talk about it I can only imagine what he's thinking. But he gets to escape it, it's not there in the morning when he gets up, he doesn't fall asleep thinking about it, he goes to work and goes on with his day. So tonight when I brought it up he finally told me how he felt. He said he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. He knows that after about five minutes of me talking about it I am going to to get depressed, and possibly start crying. He is also afraid that he is going to say the wrong thing and upset me more. If he sits and says nothing then I think he doesn't care. He said he doesn't know what to do or say. He wishes he could make it better but he can't. I know this effects him but hearing him say this tonight my heart just broke. I put myself in his shoes and thought, what if there was something he was going through that I could not help him with. Something that was slowly killing his spirit, watching him go through painful procedures, taking shots, falling apart at the drop of a hat. What would you do? I love my husband and he loves me more then words can even express, he would be ok not having children. We had lots of heated discussions about this before we got married. After our second miscarriage I remember him saying to me, I love you Tara and I want you to be happy. So we will continue doing this until you want to stop, but you are all I care about. I can't imagine how painful it must be for him to watch me go through this, all the while losing a little more of his wife with each loss. Losing the women he fell in love with, watching her suffer slowly, and not being able to do a thing to make it better. He tells me all the time, "I just want you to be happy" I want to be happy too! I want us to be happy, sometimes I wish I could throw my hands up and say well we tried it didn't work oh well lets just move on with our lives and just enjoy loving each other. But I can't, I can't live a life without children, its just not an option for me. I love this man, and if I am willing to fight this hard to have his baby, I can fight this hard to find the old us, to find some sort of happiness!

I don't want to be this person

I hate what Infertility has done to me as a person. The sick feeling I get when I think a friend, co-worker, or family member may be pregnant. The anxiety I feel when people talk about starting a family, "what if they get pregnant before me?" I hate that I can't be happy for a couple when they announce their pregnancy. I hate the jealousy I feel, but more then that I hate the sadness that fills me, knowing I am so far from feeling the happiness they are feeling. I don't want people to hesitate to share their exciting news with me, I am glad that they are concerned and don't want to hurt me but I also don't want to be kept in a bubble. I wish I could stop judging people who get pregnant easily like, the unmarried coworker who rents a one bedroom apartment was recently laid off from her job, and decided to be induced two weeks before her due date because "she is done being pregnant". My Husband should be able to share that his good friend from high school is having a baby without me breaking into tears. Recently a child in my Pre-K class shared the news that her mommy was going to have a baby, I tried to be excited for her and smiled as she talked about how she was going to be a big sister. But later as she sat next to me coloring a picture for her new baby she said, "Miss Tara, everyone can have a baby, lots of babies!" What do I say to that? "No ___ not everyone can have babies?" I of course did not say that, but it took everything I had to not breakdown right there at the table. I also wonder will I ever get over this even once I'm pregnant? Am I going to think, "well you didn't have to go through everything I went through to get pregnant." I was never like this, I can remember being truly happy for women when they announced their news, I wanted to know all the details, I threw a friend a baby shower and bought her every pink item they had in the store! Like infertility isn't hard enough but now we have the anger, the bitterness, the resentment, and the guilt for feeling this way.

New to all this

So I finally decided to give blogging a shot. I have been having a really hard time staying positive lately, so if nothing else I hope this will give me a place to get my thoughts out and sort through all these emotions. I wish I would have started this three years ago when we first started this crazy IF journey. I think back at how naive I was at the time, why would I need to create a whole blog about infertility, I'm going to get pg in my first cycle! Who knew? But it would have been nice to look back and remember those feelings I had when we first started all this, like the excitement I felt with our first positive beta.

That memory is so painful for me now, I can remember it like it was yesterday. Getting that phone call at work from the nurse, "Mrs. Ryan? We have your results and your beta came back positive! See wasn't that easy?" I floated all the way home, I thought wow its really happening I'm going to have a baby, I cried, I thanked God, I felt amazing. Now I had to focus on surprising my husband with the news! I had planned a surprise one night cruise, not knowing that I would be surprising him with this great news also. When we got on the ship I told him to go make our dinner reservations, I went to the room and blew up 10 pink balloons, and 10 blue balloons, I hung baby cutouts on the cabin wall. When he came into the room his face was the cutest. I just remember hugging and thinking this is it we're going to be a family now. We talked about it all night made plans for the future, talked about taking them to Disney.
I wish I could get that excitement back now. Unfortunately I now know the reality of all this. Now I am just filled with these painful memories. The memory of spotting, and being on bed rest for a week, hoping, and praying that everything would be ok. The memory of the excruciating pain in my lower back as I tried to Christmas shop. The memory of sitting in the waiting room, holding my husbands hand, wondering if when we looked at the ultrasound we were going to see a heartbeat. The memory of hearing the dreadful words come from the Dr. "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat". The memory of my husband talking to my belly the night before the d&c, he thought I was asleep, but I listened as he said goodbye to our first baby.
That was almost three years ago but the pain and heartache are still there, It feels like yesterday. I thought that with each miscarriage it would get easier, but it hasn't, it hurts just as much every time. I have on the other hand become numb to the excitement of getting a positive beta, I will not allow myself to get excited, or to be that naive. Not until that baby is in my arms, not until our child has taken its first breath.