Back in the game!

We finally spoke with our new RE and we are going to move forward with IVF, and FISH in PGD. I could try to explain it, but I'm not really sure I understand it all. I have never been so happy to have married a micro-biologist as I was today! My husband was taking notes, asking questions and understood it all! The dr. has some concerns cause he feels like it is unlikely that the inversion would have caused all of our m/c's. He used the flipping a coin analogy, its unlikely that we would flip a heads every time, of course he doesn't know how bad our luck is! This of course has me concerned because if this is not the answer then what is it? We are investing a lot of money into this and if this is not the answer where do we go from here? But we have to take this one step at a time, so I'm just happy to finally have some answers and to be back in the game again! I feel like one big science project! He is intrigued but said there are currently no clinical studies at this time. So now I wait for AF, its looking like march/april. God I hope this is it!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preimplantation_genetic_diagnosis

Falling Apart

Falling Apart

We don't always have to be strong
Sometimes our strength is expressed in being vulnerable
Sometimes we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track
We all have days when we cannot push any harder,
cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible
Sometimes we cry in front of people
We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to.
We do not need to be perpetual towers of strength
WE ARE STRONG, we have proven that.
Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.
Today, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human.
Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to " fall apart".
~Uknown

Waiting Waiting Waiting!!!

I HATE WAITING!!!

Let me Back up for a minute, we were suppose to have a phone consult with the dr on Monday morning. Well we waited, and waited and waited....NOTHING!!!! We tried calling but kept getting the answering service. It is so annoying to me that at 7:30 in the morning they still have their answering service answering the phones! I guess this is the one thing that our old dr had to offer, I always knew when I could call and actually talk to a receptionist, I could ask to talk to an available nurse, and if there were none available I would leave a message and get a call back that day! Crazy HUH?!?
So I finally get a voice mail from a nurse once I am at work, she says I don't know if Dr. Scott called you if he didn't you can call to reschedule, he doesn't have all the info he needs to counsel you.
I call back on my lunch and SHOCKER I am unable to reach anyone. I left a message, and guess what? I did not get a call back all day!!!

Well at this point I decided that being nice and patient was going to get me no where, the squeaky wheel always gets the oil. So I called back the next day, this time I call my nurse. Again, no answer so I leave yet another message. In this message I make it clear that we are anxiously awaiting a call back and we are very eager to get this cycle started! Well again I do not get a call back...HELLO?! Do we even exist for petes sake?!?!

Whats one to do? How about call back the next day! I was going to call every chance I got until I heard something! So I finally get someone on the phone, and she says me and Maryellen (my nurse) were just talking about you and flagging stuff in your file. Ironic isn't it? Maybe its because I caught her off guard when she answered the phone. She asked if I could reschedule for today at 1pm, I said if that was the only time slot available we would make it work. She explained that the dr still needs more info before he can talk with us.

Ok, so now I am waiting....Again!!!

Well, I get a voice mail while I'm at work, that there is a hang up with the lab and the info the dr needs before he will meet with us. Maryellen is stalking the lab and I will be holding appts for you every few days until we get the info we need.

Wonderful!

I'm tired of waiting, really tired of waiting!! Its been 3 yrs of waiting, haven't I put my time in yet? Haven't I paid my dues? I was feeling so positive that this was our year, but with every day that passes I am losing more hope. If I don't start cycling soon we will not be ready to do this by March. I'm sure you guys can do the math, but in case your missing the obvious if I don't get pregnant my March then we are out for 2009!

I tired! I'm worn out! I don't want to do this anymore! I want to have our baby, I want to be pregnant, I want it so bad I can feel it. I can see the decorated nursery, and the pg belly which, oh by the way thanks to IF and depression, will not be a cute pg belly anymore.

SO for now we sit and wait, we can do nothing more then just sit and wait!

Losing my cool!

Ok, so I have had the chance to enjoy this break. I got to enjoy the holidays without shots, and dr appts, and blood work. I felt like the old me again, able to breathe and enjoy the littlest things. That doesn't mean that I haven't thought about IF or been reminded of it daily, just means I enjoyed this break even if it set me back a few months.

I have been feeling really positive, feeling like 2009 is going to be our year! We are with a new RE and I am confident he will get the job done. I am not super thrilled with their communication with us but I'll get over it. Last time we met with the RE he left it that he was going to consult with another dr and get back to us. Well we never heard back. I finally called and they set up a phone conference for this Monday.

So as positive as I was feeling a week ago, I am now totally freaking out!! What if when we talk with the RE he tells us they will not be able to do the testing? What if this is not our year? I'm not use to getting good news and I learned a long time ago not to get my hopes up or be to optimistic, cause you never know what lies around the corner.

The start of a New Year!

Well, it's New Year's Eve. I hate this holiday I think it is the worst of all. Another year gone. Its not just because of IF its everything. I think it is just the most depressing holiday. I sit here and watch the ball drop, and think another year gone and what have I done? I am another year older, and have nothing to show for it. Then they go and play Ole Lang sine, oh dear god I mine as well slit my wrists now!!

2008 was not all bad, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband, a super supportive family, great friends that are always there for me whenever I need them. We have a beautiful house, my furbaby Bailey who no matter what loves me and is there to kiss away my tears. We are both fortunate to have our jobs, and health. We got a second opinion which has lead to us finally having a little bit of hope. And yes, we did lose yet another baby, but we are closer to having a healthy full term baby because of it. We have some answers, some hope and that is more then we have had in past years.

Every year we call our families after midnight to wish them a Happy New Year. My mother in law always says the same thing, "This is your Year!" This year I am confident that yes 2009 IS OUR YEAR!!! So here is to a New Year, filled with hope, joy, laughter, and love!

Happy Healthy 2009 to everyone!!

Survived Christmas

Let me start by saying that of all days for Aunt Flo to show her face she chose Christmas eve!! Of course my dr.'s office was closed for Christmas eve, Christmas day, and the day after. Which means I was unable to get my day 3 blood work taken. I did have birth control pills from my last cycle left so I started taking them to cover my basis. I just can't cut a break here!! The good news? I actually survived Christmas!! It took me forever to get into the spirit, my husband put the lights up outside, got the tree decorated, and decorated a lot of the house all because I just couldn't get it together. It killed me to watch him hang the angel ornament on the top of the tree, I bought it the Christmas I had my first Miscarriage. I looked at our first Christmas ornament,and our first Christmas in our new home ornament, it made me sad all I could think is their should be another first Christmas ornament on the tree. I have to thank my husband though, he was amazing, he pulled it together. There would have been no Christmas without him. I did finally get it together, the week before Christmas it suddenly hit me, I am letting IF win! Was I really going to let IF take away this holiday? NO! So then it was a mad rush to get the gifts, send out the cards, wrap, finish decorating, and put together Christmas eve! This might have actually been the first Christmas I didn't cry. Maybe its because I have hope that this next cycle is going to the be THE cycle!! I even told my husband that we won't have to worry about who's house Christmas is at next year cause I will be in the hospital having a baby! We have a phone consultation with the dr. on the 5th, I am hoping we will get the green light and can start our cycle. Fingers crossed that this is it for us!!

Naming rights

Let me give you some of the back story:
DH and I have our names picked out, as silly as it may seem it keeps me sain to discuss and plan things within my control. DH really wanted a jr, but I am not crazy about jrs. So to win this fight I suggested Jack cause I love the name, but it happens to be his dads name. DH agreed to it. When I was born I was suppose to be a Michaela, my mom hated and refused. I love the name and since I was little have promised my dad this would be my first daughters name. So I figured we had it covered, our girl name honored my family and our boy name honored his.


Fast forward to last night: my mom says to me in front of my dad, "dad doesn't want you to name the baby Jack". I say why?! to which I get no answer. I then say I hope your not asking me to name him Roger, my dads name, he says no but adds that he has a middle name. Alan? Dad you can't be serious! My mom reminds my dad that his father's name is John so it can honor him also. My dad says so where do I fit in to the family tree, on this branch way out here? Are you kidding you going to be his grandfather thats where you fit in!! I remind him if its a girl she is going to be Michaela, He says ok good. But we all know that we a 50% chance of getting a boy.

Was the money naming rights? Thanks so much dad as if I wasn't stressed enough!! My dad never asks anything of me, I guess he saves it up for the really big stuff!! I am so mad at him. I feel like he put me in an awful situation. I had to bite my tongue but all I wanted to say was oh I guess we have to name the baby after you since your giving us the money we need to have it!? Not to mention this is all so silly since I am not even pg yet!