New to all this

So I finally decided to give blogging a shot. I have been having a really hard time staying positive lately, so if nothing else I hope this will give me a place to get my thoughts out and sort through all these emotions. I wish I would have started this three years ago when we first started this crazy IF journey. I think back at how naive I was at the time, why would I need to create a whole blog about infertility, I'm going to get pg in my first cycle! Who knew? But it would have been nice to look back and remember those feelings I had when we first started all this, like the excitement I felt with our first positive beta.

That memory is so painful for me now, I can remember it like it was yesterday. Getting that phone call at work from the nurse, "Mrs. Ryan? We have your results and your beta came back positive! See wasn't that easy?" I floated all the way home, I thought wow its really happening I'm going to have a baby, I cried, I thanked God, I felt amazing. Now I had to focus on surprising my husband with the news! I had planned a surprise one night cruise, not knowing that I would be surprising him with this great news also. When we got on the ship I told him to go make our dinner reservations, I went to the room and blew up 10 pink balloons, and 10 blue balloons, I hung baby cutouts on the cabin wall. When he came into the room his face was the cutest. I just remember hugging and thinking this is it we're going to be a family now. We talked about it all night made plans for the future, talked about taking them to Disney.
I wish I could get that excitement back now. Unfortunately I now know the reality of all this. Now I am just filled with these painful memories. The memory of spotting, and being on bed rest for a week, hoping, and praying that everything would be ok. The memory of the excruciating pain in my lower back as I tried to Christmas shop. The memory of sitting in the waiting room, holding my husbands hand, wondering if when we looked at the ultrasound we were going to see a heartbeat. The memory of hearing the dreadful words come from the Dr. "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat". The memory of my husband talking to my belly the night before the d&c, he thought I was asleep, but I listened as he said goodbye to our first baby.
That was almost three years ago but the pain and heartache are still there, It feels like yesterday. I thought that with each miscarriage it would get easier, but it hasn't, it hurts just as much every time. I have on the other hand become numb to the excitement of getting a positive beta, I will not allow myself to get excited, or to be that naive. Not until that baby is in my arms, not until our child has taken its first breath.