I don't want to be this person

I hate what Infertility has done to me as a person. The sick feeling I get when I think a friend, co-worker, or family member may be pregnant. The anxiety I feel when people talk about starting a family, "what if they get pregnant before me?" I hate that I can't be happy for a couple when they announce their pregnancy. I hate the jealousy I feel, but more then that I hate the sadness that fills me, knowing I am so far from feeling the happiness they are feeling. I don't want people to hesitate to share their exciting news with me, I am glad that they are concerned and don't want to hurt me but I also don't want to be kept in a bubble. I wish I could stop judging people who get pregnant easily like, the unmarried coworker who rents a one bedroom apartment was recently laid off from her job, and decided to be induced two weeks before her due date because "she is done being pregnant". My Husband should be able to share that his good friend from high school is having a baby without me breaking into tears. Recently a child in my Pre-K class shared the news that her mommy was going to have a baby, I tried to be excited for her and smiled as she talked about how she was going to be a big sister. But later as she sat next to me coloring a picture for her new baby she said, "Miss Tara, everyone can have a baby, lots of babies!" What do I say to that? "No ___ not everyone can have babies?" I of course did not say that, but it took everything I had to not breakdown right there at the table. I also wonder will I ever get over this even once I'm pregnant? Am I going to think, "well you didn't have to go through everything I went through to get pregnant." I was never like this, I can remember being truly happy for women when they announced their news, I wanted to know all the details, I threw a friend a baby shower and bought her every pink item they had in the store! Like infertility isn't hard enough but now we have the anger, the bitterness, the resentment, and the guilt for feeling this way.