I was having a lot of cramping today so I took a longer lunch so I could go home and lay down. I really don't want to push it. Well while I was home I got the call...."I'm sorry Tara, I don't have good news, your beta only went up to 28. This is the story of my life this is what happens with every miscarriage, granted this is very early probably my earliest, but I knew 24 wasn't a great number to start with. I was nervous all day, I really wanted those numbers to go up, I really wanted this to be the one. I am so angry, and heartbroken. I don't really know who to be angry with though, I am angry with God cause I prayed and prayed and prayed, I am angry with my dr. cause he keeps telling me this is a stroke of bad luck, cause he is missing something here. Five miscarriages is not just bad luck there is more to it. I am mad at my body cause I am afraid maybe I will never be able to carry our baby. I am mad at all the women that get pg so easily, that take it for grated, that get to feel complete happiness, while I sit here crying begging for one baby. Begging to know what that happiness feels like.
I am looking into getting a second opinion, I think its time for a fresh pair of eyes to look at my history. I am done with this, I feel like I am racing against the clock, every month that goes by is another month I am not pg. I am not getting any younger, I want to have our baby in my arms and put all this behind me.
I know that no one knows what to say after something like this continues to happen to people you love, but for all those of you that have loved ones going through this please please, don't suggest adoption. We will cross that bridge when we are ready, and all you are doing is, giving us what you think is the quick easy solution. It's not that easy.
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