Climb aboard the emotional roller coaster!!

I was suppose to go for blood work on Tuesday to check my beta, but after getting the news that my beta was barely moving on Sunday I decided I would just go on Thursday since I was going to be there for my consult anyway.
We met with the dr. and he confirmed that we have had another miscarriage. He pretty much compared this to rolling the dice, if you roll it enough times you will eventually get a 7. Great so I have to just keep rolling the dice! The problem is that with all of our loses, we have not been able to do any genetic testing because we have lost them so early, so we never get any answers. We have to many strikes against us and the only way to truly find out the cause is to try to fix one problem at a time. He suggested that we do two more Frozen Egg Transfers to use the embryos we have. He put me on Glucophage, and told me to continue with baby asprin and he would also put me on Heprin which is a blood thinner before our transfer. That would take out the PCOS factor, and the blood clotting disorder. If that did not work he suggested that we move forward with going to Chicago where they can do advanced genetic testing on our embryos. The problem is that if it my husbands inversion, it does not affect all his sperm, so we just have to get the one sperm that is not affected by it. We have never had much luck so I am going to guess we will not be lucky enough to get the unaffected sperm. So to put it simply we really don't have any answers. I am so looking forward to meeting with the new dr. and getting a fresh opinion. We got our records for the new dr and had my blood drawn.
I went to work and waited for the dreadful call where they would tell me that the numbers are dropping. I felt better with a plan, and knowing what to expect. While I was at work the nurse called and left a message on my cell phone. I listened to the message and are you ready? My levels have gone up to 97!! They doubled twice since Sunday. So I call back to make sure they had the right person, and they did!! I am trying to not allow myself to get excited because I have been down this road before, and the numbers are still really low, but a little part of me can't help but get excited. I did start bleeding last night because they took me off my supports on Sunday and I asked if I should start them back up but she said no, just to come in on Saturday to see if they go up again. So here we go now we wait, hope, and pray again!!

Third beta back

Beta went from 28 on Friday to 29.3, it's barely moving. I guess this is it for this pregnancy. I have to go back on Tuesday for more blood work and then on Thursday for my consult. I made an appt with a new dr for a second opinion, I am really excited about getting a second pair of eyes to look at my history. I hope that maybe they will have some answers for me, and maybe I can make 2009 our year!!!

Second beta back

I was having a lot of cramping today so I took a longer lunch so I could go home and lay down. I really don't want to push it. Well while I was home I got the call...."I'm sorry Tara, I don't have good news, your beta only went up to 28. This is the story of my life this is what happens with every miscarriage, granted this is very early probably my earliest, but I knew 24 wasn't a great number to start with. I was nervous all day, I really wanted those numbers to go up, I really wanted this to be the one. I am so angry, and heartbroken. I don't really know who to be angry with though, I am angry with God cause I prayed and prayed and prayed, I am angry with my dr. cause he keeps telling me this is a stroke of bad luck, cause he is missing something here. Five miscarriages is not just bad luck there is more to it. I am mad at my body cause I am afraid maybe I will never be able to carry our baby. I am mad at all the women that get pg so easily, that take it for grated, that get to feel complete happiness, while I sit here crying begging for one baby. Begging to know what that happiness feels like.
I am looking into getting a second opinion, I think its time for a fresh pair of eyes to look at my history. I am done with this, I feel like I am racing against the clock, every month that goes by is another month I am not pg. I am not getting any younger, I want to have our baby in my arms and put all this behind me.
I know that no one knows what to say after something like this continues to happen to people you love, but for all those of you that have loved ones going through this please please, don't suggest adoption. We will cross that bridge when we are ready, and all you are doing is, giving us what you think is the quick easy solution. It's not that easy.

Beta is in and.....

I'm pregnant! I'm in total shock I was so sure it was going to be negative! My beta is 24, which I think is low, but she said it's still very early. This is also why the hpt's came out negative. I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic, but I am also so scared I have been down this road before. I want this to be the one, and only positive thoughts from here on in. I go back Friday to make sure my levels are going up so I'll feel better then.

FREAKING OUT!!!!!

This morning when I took my progesterone suppositories I noticed bleeding, I know it is possible that I just hit the cervix which can cause some bleeding. I was on the fence about testing but after this morning I had to! I did not use FMU (first morning urine)but it came out negative. I am only 7dp5dt but I should have an accurate reading by now. I will test again tomorrow morning with FMU, I am trying to keep hope but its fading fast! I don't know if I can handle this. Why do we have to go through this? Its so unfair!

The dreadful 2 week wait

Here I am 5dp5dt and I'm losing my mind! I can't stop thinking about whether or not this worked. I am really trying to stay positive, this is going to work this is going to be the one that sticks this is going to be our baby! There is a part of me though that won't allow me to get to excited, I guess I am trying to protect myself. I see a lot of women it doesn't work for, yes I am lucky in the fact that I have gotten pg with every procedure, but I have also had four miscarriages. What if this does work, and I lose this one too? I was devastated when I lost my four angels, but this IVF cycle has taken a toll on me physically and emotionally, I have more invested in it this time. I want this so badly, I can't even begin to explain how badly I want this. I can almost see their little face, feel my heart swelling with love for them, the relief of finally being content knowing they are here in my arms safe.
My mom came over to bring me some homemade sauce, no she didn't call on Monday to check on me, but I have to except that's not my mom. It was kinda nice though we sat and had some tea together and just talked. She is trying to be positive, talking about how I will be due in June, and if it's twins probably May. I was trying not to think that far ahead, one day at a time, no getting excited not yet! Then she starts telling me don't eat tuna, and no frozen yogurt. OK, mom it's not official yet, lets relax. It was kinda nice to see her care so much, I don't get to see that a lot even though I know she always does.
My husband is trying to be as supportive as he can. My acupuncturist told me to stay away from cold foods, something about my chi. So he has made me chicken soup, and hot tea every night. Every time I even think about ice cream, or eating anything cold he reminds me, Nope not allowed! It's cute in a annoying way. I also mentioned that pineapple is suppose to help with implantation. Sure enough he came home with a pineapple. He's going to take good care of me when this does happen!
I am going to meet with psychologist on Monday, I need to talk to someone about how I'm feeling. I need to learn to cope with this emotions. I need someone to listen to me, even if they have no answers for me. I also have an acupuncture appointment I have faith that if nothing else this has helped me relax and get through this cycle a little less stressed.
I feel like I have done everything I can possibly do at this point. It is out of my hands now. I have to just sit and wait, wait for that dreadful call. I am counting down the days, hours, and minutes. I think it will get easier when I get back to work, laying around thinking about it all week I'm sure has not helped. I can do this! I have had to do way more difficult things! I will not test! I will wait till Wednesday!

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Lord, I ask you today and everyday to keep our angel babies safe until we can meet again.

In Memory of our angels
12/05 * 7/06 * 12/06 * 4/07

Snuggle in lil snowbabies

Today was our Embryo Transfer, everything went well it was a little more uncomfortable then I expected but I survived! I got very emotional while I waited for them to take me in, I guess it just hit me how real this all is, and how much I need for this to work. I am so tired of riding this IF roller coaster, and I want to get off! The nurse came in and gave us the picture of our embryos, my Husband said this needs to work so we can show our kids their very first baby picture. She also gave me the dates that I have to go back for my beta (pg test). I don't want to go their for my beta, I know I have to but as long as I don't I can convince myself that I am pg and live happily ever after, God that sounds so ridiculous! I have been through this enough times to know not to allow myself to get to excited, betas can drop as easily as they can rise. I hate that the excitement of a positive pg test has been taken away from me. I have the week off to rest and relax and focus on me and our lil snowbabies! We are going to a St. Gerard Novena tonight, I'm hoping this is a good sign. I have an acupuncture apt on Wednesday, and I am trying to stay as positive as possible. I had a real hard couple of weeks, but after having a heart to heart with my husband and talking to my RE and my acupuncturist I decided only positive thoughts from here on it. So now we wait, I go in on the 22nd for my first beta and the 24th for my second. Its going to be a long 9 days! Fingers crossed!

Is this to much to ask?

I'm trying to keep my faith and stay positive, but it is getting harder and harder.
I want to not hurt anymore, I want to feel our lil one inside me, I want to wonder if it will be a boy or girl, a Michaela or a Jack. I want to hold you, and see who's eyes you have. I want to tell you how badly mommy and daddy wanted you , how we would have gone to the end of the earth to get you. How mommy shed so many tears along the way, but in the end it was so worth it and she would do it all over to be holding you right now, loving you, looking into your big beautiful eyes, those lil fingers wrapped around mine. Watching you grow, crawl, walk, hearing you say mommy the for the first time, oh how I dream of your little voice calling out for me!
I want it to be my turn, I want to be a mother, I want to get out of this quick sand that is slowly pulling me deeper and deeper. I want put all this behind me knowing it was all worth it in the end. I have put my time in, I have cried endlessly, I have given myself the shots, I have rode the emotional roller coaster. I have Felt the excitement with each positive beta, I have felt the heart break with each m/c. I have felt the pain of each painful procedure, from d&c's to OHSS.
I want the excitement of being pg back. I remember our 1st pg we were so nieve, so excited, we told everyone, I surprised DH, we talked about how exciting the upcoming year was going to be. Then in 6 short weeks I was robbed of that!
I want to be the couple people see on the outside, the happy couple, with jobs we enjoy, a beautiful house, a dog in the yard. but we're dying inside, a empty room sits across the hall just waiting for a crib, just waiting for our baby to come home.
I want to be happy again I want my DH to stop looking at me with those sad eyes, I want to make our parents grandparents, we are their only chance at this, both being only children. I want to laugh with my single friends, and have stories to share with my friends with children. I want to get to work on time and be able to do my job w/o thinking about what the RE will tell me in that next dreaded phone call! I want to not resent every women who is pg, I want to be happy for them. I want to be able to listen to them talk about morning sickness, or look at their sonogram pics w/o tearing up. I want to decide with my DH its time to start a family, and have our dream come true in one shot, hell I'll settle for a few months!
Is this to much to ask??