I have made it 7 days, but I don't know if I can make it the next 2! Not knowing is the hardest part of this whole process. I have been trying to stay busy and not think about it but being on bed rest, and stuck at home for the week makes this pretty hard to do. I have analyzed every twinge, cramp, and anything else that could potentially be coughed up as a pg symptom. Going back to work today made things a little easier, but I still thought about it a lot. As it gets closer I get more sick at the thought of that call.
I have tried to be really optimistic, our problem was the inversion. So if we correct the inversion the rest should be cake right? I would love to be able to say, well I have not had any implantation problems in the past, so it shouldn't be a problem now. Which means how can this not work, we have chosen two inversion free embies, and we have five pg to prove we don't have issues with implantation. But, what if? What if this is the cycle that they don't implant? What if the embryos were not strong enough to implant? What if we were able to transfer two embryos that did not have the inversion, but had another problem causing them to die? I have been driving myself crazy with these questions all week.
I keep reminding myself that I have been through the worst of it, I have had five m/c's, I know what to expect as far as the worst is concerned. I never thought I would make it through a second m/c after the first, but here I am still standing after five. So as much as I don't want that to happen again, I can take some comfort in knowing that I WILL SURVIVE! Only this time is different, this is it for us. We will not be able to do another PGD cycle, not anytime soon. So we have a lot riding on this cycle, and that's what makes this the hardest!
I wish that even if they call with a positive result on Wednesday, I still have to hope that my number is high enough, and then I have to go back on Friday and hope my number doubles nicely. The worst will not be over Wednesday, we still have to hope that even if I get pg, I stay pg!
ok, so I have to get through tomorrow, and then have to walk into that building Wednesday morning, get my blood drawn, and wait for them to call me. The thought of my phone ringing, and having to answer, having to listen for the results makes me nauseous. Its going to be a long two days!
I want these babies, I want it to be our turn. I feel like we have payed our dues! Please let this be it for us, PLEASE!!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Knowing is going to make this all a lot harder
I am so terrified that this won't work! Now that I know what they are it feels more real, they feel like real babies already. It is going to destroy me if I lose them, not that I wasn't destroyed with my other losses, but I never let myself wonder what sex they were. Damn it I wish we didn't know!! The last thing I needed was for this to be anymore real then it already is, I wanted to think of this as just a clinical process till we were out of the woods. haha I don't know what I was thinking, that would have been impossible too! If I lose this pg it is going to affect me in a way that none of my others did. I am already thinking of names, picturing the room, picking out matching outfits. Oh dear god! How am I going to get through the next 7 days?
Come on little ones stick! Hold on tight mommy wants to bring you both home!
Come on little ones stick! Hold on tight mommy wants to bring you both home!
Monday, April 13, 2009
ET done!!
I waited all morning very impatiently I must add for them to call me and let me know what time to come in. I don't know what we would have done had me or DH not been home on vacation this week. We didn't get the call till 12 and they asked us to be there at 3. My job is flexible and I would have been able to get out, but it would have been much harder for DH.
We sat in the waiting room for an hr I had ro drink 4-5 glasses of water, let me tell you this is not easy for me to do in the first place. I hate water! But with the OHSS I am so bloated and already feel so full all the time. Once in the recovery room I had to wait another 15 mins, with a very full bladder! The Dr finally came in, it was not our dr which was a little disappointing, but it was the same dr that did our ER so that was good. He went over the PGD report with us, we had two good blasts to transfer, both we unaffected by the inversion which is good. He said they were a little slow, but that he was not to worried about it. There was third which was ify, and he would have thrown that in to, but with my age, and the quality of the embryos he wanted to keep in mind out goal of A healthy baby.
We went in and did the transfer, it was neat to see them up on the tv, we watched him suck them up and then insert them in. He did say that one had expanded since that morning which was a good thing. I have no idea what that means but if he says its good, then yay!!
They wheeled me into my room and I immediately asked DH to give me the PGD paperwork to read over. I got half way down the second page when I noticed that the sexes of the embryos were listed. The two that we transferred were on the second page. I told my DH and he told me not to look! We always talked about not finding out, and letting it be a surprise. Especially after IF, all of the fun has been taken out of this for us as is. I really look forward to hearing them yell out IT"S A BOY! or IT"S A GIRL! I didnt want to look so I folded the paper over so I could not see the sexes. Unfortunately, the XY, and XX chromosomes where is the section I was reading. So I know what the sexes of both embryos that were transferred are. I didn't want to tell DH so I handed him the paper. He then went and made the same mistake. He stopped himself at the first one so only knows what one is. He got very upset, teary eyed even! I didn't want him to know that I know too, not yet maybe after the beta. I also know the sex of the third. I am a little bummed that they are all of the same sex, if we are fortunate to have this work I would go back and have the third transferred later for a sibling. I'm not saying I'm not going to now, but it would be nice to have one of each. I also wish that the two that were transferred today were of different sexes. Then it could still be a surprise because unless they both take we wouldn't know which one stuck!
Please don't misunderstand me, having a healthy baby means more to me then what the sex of the baby is. I gave up 4yrs ago wishing for one or the other. I am really just more bummed that its not going to be a surprise!
I go back for Beta on the 22nd, its going to be a long 9 days! Fingers crossed!
We sat in the waiting room for an hr I had ro drink 4-5 glasses of water, let me tell you this is not easy for me to do in the first place. I hate water! But with the OHSS I am so bloated and already feel so full all the time. Once in the recovery room I had to wait another 15 mins, with a very full bladder! The Dr finally came in, it was not our dr which was a little disappointing, but it was the same dr that did our ER so that was good. He went over the PGD report with us, we had two good blasts to transfer, both we unaffected by the inversion which is good. He said they were a little slow, but that he was not to worried about it. There was third which was ify, and he would have thrown that in to, but with my age, and the quality of the embryos he wanted to keep in mind out goal of A healthy baby.
We went in and did the transfer, it was neat to see them up on the tv, we watched him suck them up and then insert them in. He did say that one had expanded since that morning which was a good thing. I have no idea what that means but if he says its good, then yay!!
They wheeled me into my room and I immediately asked DH to give me the PGD paperwork to read over. I got half way down the second page when I noticed that the sexes of the embryos were listed. The two that we transferred were on the second page. I told my DH and he told me not to look! We always talked about not finding out, and letting it be a surprise. Especially after IF, all of the fun has been taken out of this for us as is. I really look forward to hearing them yell out IT"S A BOY! or IT"S A GIRL! I didnt want to look so I folded the paper over so I could not see the sexes. Unfortunately, the XY, and XX chromosomes where is the section I was reading. So I know what the sexes of both embryos that were transferred are. I didn't want to tell DH so I handed him the paper. He then went and made the same mistake. He stopped himself at the first one so only knows what one is. He got very upset, teary eyed even! I didn't want him to know that I know too, not yet maybe after the beta. I also know the sex of the third. I am a little bummed that they are all of the same sex, if we are fortunate to have this work I would go back and have the third transferred later for a sibling. I'm not saying I'm not going to now, but it would be nice to have one of each. I also wish that the two that were transferred today were of different sexes. Then it could still be a surprise because unless they both take we wouldn't know which one stuck!
Please don't misunderstand me, having a healthy baby means more to me then what the sex of the baby is. I gave up 4yrs ago wishing for one or the other. I am really just more bummed that its not going to be a surprise!
I go back for Beta on the 22nd, its going to be a long 9 days! Fingers crossed!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Follow up
I went in this morning because I wanted them to be aware that I am still in pain. I called the nurse ahead of time to ask her what she thought and she told me to come in right away. They did an u/s and saw some fluid, the dr said it was borderline OHSS. She left the decision up to me if we wanted to move forward with the transfer, I of course chose to move forward. She did warn me that If I do get pg the OHSS will get worse, but ensured me that they would monitor me closely and had ways to manage it. Here's to hoping it gets worse!!! lol
While I was sitting in the waiting room I got a call from the genetic lab to tell me that we were on for a Monday transfer. The nurse would call me Monday to tell me what time.
I'm getting excited!!
While I was sitting in the waiting room I got a call from the genetic lab to tell me that we were on for a Monday transfer. The nurse would call me Monday to tell me what time.
I'm getting excited!!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Day after ER
I woke up this morning and I don't feel any better, actually I think it may be worse. All I can think is no no no I do not want to have OHSS again! I know I have no power over this, but it really does not seem fair that I have to go through this twice. But there is nothing fair about IF I guess!
The nurse was suppose to call between 9-11 with the fert report. As of 1pm I had not heard anything so I called and left a message for my nurse. A little while later she called and asked how I was feeling. I told her I was still sore, she told me that I earned the right to be sore with 41 eggs! She did tell me that I am at risk for OHSS, and asked if I had had it before. She told me to start drinking gatorade, and to come in if the pain got worse. She told me that if it gets worse there is a possibility that we may have to cancel the transfer. NO!!!! I really don't want to cancel the transfer, I know I have no power over this, but NO NO NO!!!
She then told me that they icsi'd 36 eggs and 32 fertilized! I am soooooo happy with this number! I know that they won't all survive but that's a great number to start with. She said that they will do the biopsy on Saturday and call me to let me know what day we will do the transfer. So as if I didn't have enough to worry about, now I am worried about the outcome of the biopsy. How many will survive, how strong will they be, will they be of good quality, how many will not be affected by the inversion.
For now all I can do is sit and wait, I hate waiting! But IF is one big waiting game!
The nurse was suppose to call between 9-11 with the fert report. As of 1pm I had not heard anything so I called and left a message for my nurse. A little while later she called and asked how I was feeling. I told her I was still sore, she told me that I earned the right to be sore with 41 eggs! She did tell me that I am at risk for OHSS, and asked if I had had it before. She told me to start drinking gatorade, and to come in if the pain got worse. She told me that if it gets worse there is a possibility that we may have to cancel the transfer. NO!!!! I really don't want to cancel the transfer, I know I have no power over this, but NO NO NO!!!
She then told me that they icsi'd 36 eggs and 32 fertilized! I am soooooo happy with this number! I know that they won't all survive but that's a great number to start with. She said that they will do the biopsy on Saturday and call me to let me know what day we will do the transfer. So as if I didn't have enough to worry about, now I am worried about the outcome of the biopsy. How many will survive, how strong will they be, will they be of good quality, how many will not be affected by the inversion.
For now all I can do is sit and wait, I hate waiting! But IF is one big waiting game!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
ER went well
The ER went well, they retrieved 41 eggs, yup, 41! Dh said that when they wheeled me in the nurse was calling me a hen! I woke up and I could feel right away I could feel the cramping. Dh went to get the nurse and she came right in to give me meds through my iv. She told me that I have every right to be sore with 41 eggs retrieved. In August when I had my first ER they got 35, so I was instantly worried about OHSS again! The nurses didn't mention anything, and I didn't feel like I did last time before I went in for the ER so I thought I was in the clear.
I sat and drank my apple juice and ate my crackers, and I heard them tell the girl next to me that they got 6 eggs. I thought wow, how hard that must be. I wanted to give her some of mine. I can't imagine going through all of this to get 6 eggs. I hope that they all fertilize for her and grow into healthy embies so she has some to freeze!
I came home and went to sleep for awhile, I was a little sore, but nothing like last time. Now that the night has progressed the pain hasn't gone away or lessen I'm a little worried. Having had OHSS before I know what it feels like. This is painful, but nowhere near as painful as last time. I weighed myself and have not gained any weight, and I am not swollen. Maybe I am still sore. I started to drink gatorade just in case, and have had a heating pad on for most of the night. They gave me a rx for percocet but it makes me sick so I am trying not to take unless I have to. I have taken some tylenol which has helped a little. I am terrified I might have OHSS again, I don't want to put off the transfer. This is so frustrating, but I am just going to hope for the best.
Tomorrow they will call with my fertilization report, I don't expect all 41 to fertilize or even survive. I'm just hoping for a high enough number that they can biopsy as many as possible giving us better odds of embies w/o the inversion.
Fingers crossed!
I sat and drank my apple juice and ate my crackers, and I heard them tell the girl next to me that they got 6 eggs. I thought wow, how hard that must be. I wanted to give her some of mine. I can't imagine going through all of this to get 6 eggs. I hope that they all fertilize for her and grow into healthy embies so she has some to freeze!
I came home and went to sleep for awhile, I was a little sore, but nothing like last time. Now that the night has progressed the pain hasn't gone away or lessen I'm a little worried. Having had OHSS before I know what it feels like. This is painful, but nowhere near as painful as last time. I weighed myself and have not gained any weight, and I am not swollen. Maybe I am still sore. I started to drink gatorade just in case, and have had a heating pad on for most of the night. They gave me a rx for percocet but it makes me sick so I am trying not to take unless I have to. I have taken some tylenol which has helped a little. I am terrified I might have OHSS again, I don't want to put off the transfer. This is so frustrating, but I am just going to hope for the best.
Tomorrow they will call with my fertilization report, I don't expect all 41 to fertilize or even survive. I'm just hoping for a high enough number that they can biopsy as many as possible giving us better odds of embies w/o the inversion.
Fingers crossed!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Triggering tonight!
Well, the time is here! I will be triggering tonight, I went for morning monitoring today and the dr told me everything looked great and I was looking at a wed, thurs ER. I should have been super excited, but instead I had this feeling of, do I want to do this? I am so nervous, this is our last chance at having a biological child together. I want this more then anything, but I am so scared!! I'm hoping this is a good sign, maybe it is my subconscious telling me this is it, this is our cycle! I will be going Wednesday for the ER, which means my ET will most likely be Monday. Oh god, I hope I get perfect little embies, inversion free!!! Fingers crossed!!!!
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