Naming rights

Let me give you some of the back story:
DH and I have our names picked out, as silly as it may seem it keeps me sain to discuss and plan things within my control. DH really wanted a jr, but I am not crazy about jrs. So to win this fight I suggested Jack cause I love the name, but it happens to be his dads name. DH agreed to it. When I was born I was suppose to be a Michaela, my mom hated and refused. I love the name and since I was little have promised my dad this would be my first daughters name. So I figured we had it covered, our girl name honored my family and our boy name honored his.


Fast forward to last night: my mom says to me in front of my dad, "dad doesn't want you to name the baby Jack". I say why?! to which I get no answer. I then say I hope your not asking me to name him Roger, my dads name, he says no but adds that he has a middle name. Alan? Dad you can't be serious! My mom reminds my dad that his father's name is John so it can honor him also. My dad says so where do I fit in to the family tree, on this branch way out here? Are you kidding you going to be his grandfather thats where you fit in!! I remind him if its a girl she is going to be Michaela, He says ok good. But we all know that we a 50% chance of getting a boy.

Was the money naming rights? Thanks so much dad as if I wasn't stressed enough!! My dad never asks anything of me, I guess he saves it up for the really big stuff!! I am so mad at him. I feel like he put me in an awful situation. I had to bite my tongue but all I wanted to say was oh I guess we have to name the baby after you since your giving us the money we need to have it!? Not to mention this is all so silly since I am not even pg yet!

How do I ever thank them

My mom called tonight to tell me, she talked with my dad and they want to give us the money. My dad said he would give me whatever it takes to get me this baby. I can't even begin to tell you how much this means to us. It is such a wonderful gift! I am worried that this might not work. This is a like gambling with their $5,000. I did explain this to them and they seemed to understand nothing is a sure thing. I have always hated asking my parents for money, and I really hate accepting it. But without we have to take out a loan, or this doesn't happen. I was also trying not to ask my parents for any money because if we decide to adopt I will need their help then. But as much as I feel wrong taking this money, I know this is our last chance at a biological child. How in the world do I ever thank them for this gift?

Finally some good news!

I am super excited, I love the RE, he was amazing. He was very down to earth and sympathetic which is a breathe of fresh air coming from my last practice. He also gave us more answers in the 20 mins we were in his office then I have gotten in the 3yrs at the last RE.

He has ruled out thrombosis, says it has very little to do with early loss's. It would be more likely to cause a loss later, like 9+ weeks.

He has do more "homework" but strongly believes its the inversion on my Dh's 10th chromosome. He made it seem like it is something that can be addressed with PGD or a procedure very similar. I asked if my PCOS could contribute to our loss's, and he said possibly but unlikely. If they look into the inversion and find that it is not the cause they will have to take a closer look at my genetic make up.

We talked about my previous IVF cycle, and how I got OHSS. I told him how terrified I am of OHSS again. He tole me he monitor closely and do the best he could. Once he did the u/s he said I need less LH, whatever that means, and that my ovaries are slightly PCOS like.

We met with the financial consultant and she explained that PGD is not covered by insurance. It is going to cost upwards of $5,000. I know a lot of you girls are oop, and I am very lucky to have the coverage we have, but I have no idea where we are going to get that much money.

I am so happy to have some answers. I am sad that we won't be able to move forward until January the earliest but could be as late as March. I am a little relieved that I am not the cause of the loss's because I have blamed myself a lot for them. I am most relieved to have answers!! I hope this is it I hope we can move forward from here and have our baby.

A weight has been lifted

I had my D&C on Friday and my bw on Monday showed my levels are going down, which means it was not ectopic. I am relieved that I won't have to do the methotrexate injections, was not looking forward to that at all! I am also relieved to be done with the emotional roller coaster and be done with the beta hell. I handled it all surprisingly well, I thought I would be a mess but I was actually more happy for it to be over. I am excited to move forward, we have a consult with a new dr on Monday and I am feeling really positive about this. I just want to get back on the horse asap!

It's finally over!

I had one of the other dr's today and he did an ultrasound, he thinks he might seem something, but it is not clear. Either way I was 6 weeks yesterday and both the dr's said they they should be able to see a fetus by now. So finally this is not a viable pg! I thought I was ready to hear those words, but as I sat in the room waiting for the dr to come in I lost it, knowing what was about to happen. When the ultrasound was over and told me I would be having a d&c on Friday I couldn't control the tears. I looked up at the screen, the empty screen, and wondered will I ever get to see a baby on that screen? Will I ever lay here and see a heartbeat, get to be excited, and think wow this is finally it we're having a baby. I am tired of fighting, I want this to be over, it just doesn't seem fair that anyone has to go through this much to have a baby. It was harder because I was alone, my husband had to work and couldn't come with me. Neither the dr or the nurse said anything, I'm sorry, or I know how hard this is, nothing not a word. I got to the car and just bawled!! I never thought I would be able to say I had 5 miscarriages! I hate that I can say that!

Still no answers

So today I went for the ultrasound, and the dr was unable for find anything. Here I thought I would be getting some answers today but no, I left still not knowing whats going on. He looked in my tubes and my cervix so he doesn't think its ectopic, but he was unable to clearly see anything. I have to wait for my numbers today and go back tomorrow, and then we might set up a d&c to see if that helps. If my numbers don't go down after the d&c then I will have to take a methotrexate injection in case it's an ectopic pg. I really don't want to do that so I am hoping the d&c will be enough.

Losing my patience!

After Saturday's call where the nurse messed up my number I am really starting to lose my patience with these people. I know it's not their fault that I am going through this, but it's hard enough emotionally, but added with their mix ups and I'm starting to go crazy!! I waited all day for their call today and when I hadn't heard from them by 4:30 I decided to call them. I got the nurse and she said oh yeah I called and left a message for you at home. WHY?!?! They have never called me at home, I have always asked them to call me on my cell. They can't even get this right!! SO my levels are now up to 221, I finally get to go in tomorrow for an ultrasound. I asked the nurse if there was any chance that this was a viable pregnancy, she said the numbers going up is a good thing but they should be higher at this point. I am hoping that I will get some answers tomorrow. I have done some research online and sometimes when levels are low and slowly rise it is a sign on an ectopic pg. I really hope that is not the case. Lucky my husband is off tomorrow so he will be there with me, just want this to be over!

Welcome to Beta Hell!!

Today I went back for my 5th beta, I was trying to be cautiously optimistic but I was also prepared for the worst. I got the phone call around 12:30, she told me the beta number was 31. I was a little disappointed, I was ready to move forward and was a little happy that this hell was over. I asked her if I could start my birth control pills, to start my new cycle. She told me she wasn't sure and had to ask the dr, she would call me back. When she finally called back I was in the shower, She said that she was wrong and the beta was not 31 it was 131, so it again went up and, and I should not start BCP's. The number did not double and at this point I am pretty sure that this is not a viable pregnancy. If this is not a viable pregnancy I just want to move forward, end this hell and start our next cycle. I HATE THIS!!!! I have to go back on Monday for more blood work, guess we'll see what happens.