A Wish Come True

Take a moment to stop and smell the flowers

2011-08-17T23:41:00.003-04:00

Today was a long day, time seemed to stand still at work. I was just counting down the hours, minutes to 4:30pm when we could go home. At 4:30 a co-worker brought Jack to me so we could go home but didn't bring him bag so we needed to head back to his room to get it. For most this would seem like a quick simple task, but with a one year old who wants to walk everywhere it could take forever.

It took me 5 minutes to get him out of my class and into the main hall where I signed us out. And then the door open to a classroom where he saw a good friend of mine and headed in there to check it out. After 15 mins of him playing with the big kids, I said come on Jack time to go bye bye. He followed me out and we headed down the hallway to his room, he stopped at every bulletin board, door way and person that we met along the way. I finally said come on baby mommy wants to go home. We got to his room forever later and then he began to pull the toys out as I packed his bag, which meant we now need to clean up. Ok, cleaned up toys....check. Bag packed...check. Baby in hand...check. Let's get the heck outta here!

Now a half hour later (we could have been home by now) we are out of the building. But wait, Jack loses his footing and falls into a sitting position where he was content to sit and enjoy the view. About to lose it (did I mention it was a long day?) I help him up and we head up the walk way to the car. He reaches for my hand which melts my heart every time and I see our shadow. My eyes tear up and I think remember this. Remember this moment, it doesn't get any better then this. This is what you have waited for. As we pass the playground (yet another distraction) he squats down by the flowers. I say Jack let's go home and get Daddy and Bailey. And then it get's better. He stands up and has a flower in his hand, he hands it to me and I literally melt to the ground. My baby has just picked me his first flower. Needless to say I put our bags down, knelt down next to him and hugged him so tight. I realized in that moment that I can't rush this. I need to enjoy every single moment before it is gone. So there we sat for God knows how long looking at the flowers, smelling the flowers, and just being in the moment with my baby.

Being a working mom is hard, exhausting. But it is moments like these that remind me what is important in life, what motherhood is all about. So when you are tired, over worked, and over whelmed take a minute to stop and smell the flowers

Happy Birthday to me!

2010-08-25T09:31:00.002-04:00

For the last few years I have wished for the same thing when I blew out my birthday candles. This year my wish came true so now what do I wish for?

Slow down!

2010-08-23T09:26:00.001-04:00

I can't even stomach the thought that in five short weeks I have to leave my little man to go back to work. I am going to soak up every minute I have with him and hope that the next five weeks go by very slowly!

"Who can turn the world on with his smile"

2010-08-18T19:45:00.001-04:00

Today I saw the most beautiful thing I have seen since I laid eyes on my beautiful baby boy. I got to see his beautiful smile! I have been waiting not so patiently to see him smile, and yes I have even worried about whether he ever would smile at all. Then today as I was buckling him into his car seat to go to my Dr appt he made eye contact with me and flashed me the biggest smile. It made my heart smile!

How is it possible that something so small can bring so much happiness into my life? This is truly an amazing adventure!

I'm a mommy!

2010-08-16T16:20:00.000-04:00

I have carried a child within my body. I have comforted a baby upon my chest. My body is not magazine perfect, but when I look in the mirror I see a mother, and there is no greater honor or blessing.

Growing boy

2010-08-11T14:45:00.000-04:00

Jack had his 1 month check up today and he did great! He now weighs 8lbs 12oz and is 21 inches long.

He did get a shot today, and mommy and baby didn't handle that so well. It broke my heart to hear him screaming in pain. I wish I could take the shots for him.

Ahh the joys of mommyhood

2010-08-10T14:04:00.000-04:00

Last night Jack slept for 6hrs straight! It would have been amazing to get 6 hours of pure uninterrupted sleep. To bad I was up watching his chest rise and fall all night!

I thought I worried a lot during my pregnancy but oh my how the anxiety has taken over! I worry is he eating enough, is he gaining weight, is he sleeping to much, is he getting enough tummy time, are we interacting enough with him. The list goes on and on!

All this worrying is exhausting!

Happy 1 month Baby boy!

2010-08-07T15:34:00.002-04:00

How is it possible that my baby is a whole month old already?? Time is flying by, the last few weeks all seem like a blur. Can someone please figure out how to slow down time.

Jack is doing really well with his sleep schedule. He usually goes down for the night around midnight and then will sleep until 4am. After he is fed he will go back down until 7am. Through out the day he is sleeping 8-10 hours. He is still loving his sleep which is a good thing because so is his mommy!

He also has has his feeding schedule down like clockwork. He is eating every 2 hours on the dot!

He is more alert these days and is starting to hold his head up. We are trying to increase his tummy time to strengthen his neck muscles, but a certain someone is not found of this!

Weight check

2010-07-26T16:00:00.001-04:00

Yay, we did it!!

I am so proud of us! We increased the nursing to more frequently and longer sessions, which I will add neither mommy or baby were happy about, but it worked.

Today little man weighted 7lbs 9.3oz!

First pediatrician visit

2010-07-23T14:23:00.001-04:00

Today we went for our first check up. My biggest fear came true....he is not gaining enough weight. Two weeks later and he is still not back up to his birth weight. He weighted in at 7lbs 6oz. We are going to increase our nursing sessions, and feed every 2hrs for 30-40mins on each side, then go back on Monday for a weight check. I am so hoping that we are able to get to where we need to be without having to supplement with formula.

Off to go wake the little guy up and get him nursing, time to chunk up little man!

Bath time

2010-07-21T17:06:00.004-04:00

Today my baby boy is 2 weeks old! He celebrated by losing his umbilical cord and getting his first bath. He was not a fan of the bath at all. He cried the entire time. Who would have thought that someone who has spent the last 9 months under water would hate it so much!

The crying carried on even out of the tub!

After his 1st baby massage his tune changed a bit. Now that wasn't so bad was it?

Phew! Glad that is over, how often do we have to do this?

Well this isn't fun

2010-07-16T21:45:00.000-04:00

Last night I had a slight fever, but I felt fine. I had mild soreness in my abdomen but I thought it was just my uterine muscles starting to heal. Well this morning I woke up this the worst gas pain I have ever felt! I was not sure what was going on since I didn't have that much gas while in the hospital. I took some gas x but it didn't seem to help. It really started to become unbearable. It almost felt as if I was having contractions. It hurt to sit, walk, and even lay down. This of course makes nursing Jack a very difficult task. I finally put a call into the doctor and they wanted to see me right away. After an ultrasound, and a doctor exam it turns out I have a uterine infection.

I have experienced a lot of pain in the last few years, between ER's, OHSS, and a c-section. This was by far the worst pain. I feel much better now that I am home and have a rx for pain killers but I am feeling guilty that I am not being a good mommy to Jack right now. I am hoping the antibiotics kick this infections ass fast so I can get back to my baby asap!

Happy 1 week little man!

2010-07-14T23:15:00.002-04:00

Crazy how fast this week has gone! We got blessed with the best baby ever! He only cries when he is hungry or when we are fussing with him, like changing his diaper or getting him dressed. He is eating every 3-4 hours which gives me a good amount of sleep, but I am still exhausted. We are settling into a routine and the I think we finally are getting the hang of this breastfeeding stuff. This has been an amazing week, but I hope the next 13 weeks don't go this fast!

Welcome home baby boy-5 days old

2010-07-11T21:22:00.009-04:00

At 11am this morning we got the ok from both my Dr and the pediatrician that we could be released. I was both excited and nervous to get home. Dh started to bring my bags to the car, I am embarrassed to admit it took him three trips lol. He warned me that the temperature outside was at a all time high of 100 + degrees. I couldn't believe I was about to go from our freezing hospital room that was stuck at 65 degrees to 100+ degree weather outside. I had packed a long sleeve shirt and pants outfit for Jack to go home in. I wondered if I should still dress him in it, but decided that he needed to be on the warmer side and the car was going to be air conditioned. So I began to dress him. This outfit that I had bought him before he was born seemed so small then. Now as I put it on my tiny peanut it was huge on him! So big that I could not keep the pants on him. He looked so silly in this over sized shirt and no pants but I had no back up so off we went!

Dh went to get the car and they wheeled me down to the front lobby. I saw him in the lobby holding Jack's car seat and with that the nurse helped me up from the wheelchair and was on her way. Just like that we were on our own. I have to be honest it was pretty freaking scary. Am I ready for this? Can we do this without the nurses? We began trying to get Jack into his car seat, it never really dawned on me to play around with the car seat before we went to the hospital. So there we stood outside the hospital trying to figure out how this thing works. Once we had him strapped in and in the car his head kept falling forward. This concerned me, Dh went in to ask the receptionist if anyone was available to help us. Turns out once you have checked out you are no longer their problem. So the answer was no. We went to two different police stations for help but of course the officers that do care seat safety were not on duty today. So we very carefully drove home with me holding his head up the whole time. As we pulled up to the house I saw the sign in our front yard announcing the birth of our baby boy. I squealed and said to Dh where did you get it!!! He then told me that he made it, he had been working on it for weeks. Tears began to run down my face as I looked at my house with a sign that my wonderful Dh had built just for our baby. The baby we have dreamed about for so long.

I was so excited to be home and to see my baby girl Bailey. I missed her so much and had so much guilt about bringing a new baby home. I know it's crazy that I was so worried about how my dog would react and worried that bringing him home was going to turn her world upside down but I really was. I cried so hard as I said goodbye to her when we left for the hospital on Wednesday. I knew her life was about to be forever changed. I left the baby in the car with Dh while I went in to see my girl. She was so excited to see me, and then she started sniffing me. I think she could sense something was up. She could smell something about me was different. I told Dh we were ready and he carried him. She was so curious. Looking in the car seat, sniffing him like crazy. She seemed a little scared of him when he moved. Then she began to pass and pant, and kiss him crazily. She was stressed. I know that we have not done all we should have to prepare her for this, and now she is the one paying for it. Dh took her for a walk while I nursed Jack, she seemed just as stressed when she came back and saw he was still here. I am so worried about her. I know she will adjust but it breaks my heart to see her like this.

Overall our first day home went pretty well. I spent most of the day nursing Jack, and catching up on Facebook, email, and the Nest.

I am sitting here looking at him now and still can't believe he is here, that he is mine. I am the happiest I have ever been. Just 5 days ago we became a family, today our house became a home.

Welcome to the world Jack Matthew!

2010-07-07T01:15:00.002-04:00

Here is my beautiful baby boy's birth story....I got no sleep last night. I was up all night thinking about what today had in store for me. My night was filled with excitement, fear, and sorrow. I laid in bed feeling my baby boy squirm inside me knowing that we only had a few more hours together before I had to share him with the world. 7am rolled around way to quickly and before I knew it we were on our way to the hospital. We needed to be there for 8am. I cried the entire way to the hospital, I think it was a mix of the hormones and the fear of the unknown. I was terrified of being cut open, terrified something would go wrong, and still very sad that my pregnancy was coming to an end. It was so bittersweet, I was excited to become a mother and hold my son in my arms but I was still very sad that my pregnancy had come to end. I was terrified to feel that emptiness that I felt for 4yrs while trying to have this little miracle baby. Once we arrived at the hospital everything seemed to go very quickly. I changed into my beautiful gown and they hooked me up to the monitors, it was nice to get to hear my baby's heartbeat one last time before he entered the world.

At around 10:30 am I was wheeled into the OR. I was so nervous, I was terrified of the spinal I was about to get, and still had all the fears of something going wrong during the surgery. They helped me to the table and asked me to get into the fetal position, bring your legs to your chest and hug them. Well let me tell you when you are 9 months pregnant getting into the fetal position and hugging your legs in next to impossible. A nurse helped me get my legs up that far and helped me arch my back enough for them to insert the spinal. It seemed to take them forever for them to get it in! I couldn't breathe was so uncomfortable and just wanted it to be over with. They had some trouble getting it in and had to keep asking me to tuck in more. Yeah hi can you see I have this huge belly here that is preventing me from tucking anymore!! They finally got it in and I was able to roll over. I felt the spinal take affect and it was the most surreal feeling ever I could see the nurses prepping me but could feel nothing. They finally let Dh in, he came over and sat next to me and took my hand in his. It was all I could do not to lose it when I saw him. They then told me they were going to start.

They didn't want Dh standing so he was watching in a reflection on a glass cabinet door. Now I have watched my fair share of The Baby Story and it always seemed like they started the surgery and the baby was out within minutes. Well that is not the case it seemed to take FOREVER! I could feel the pressure, and then they began jostling me around. Dh looked at me like are you ok? I was being moved so much, I of course could feel nothing but thought it was so weird that I was being shaken so much. The Dr then said you have one big baby here. This took me by surprise since he has measured 50% the whole pregnancy and I was expecting a average 8lb baby. And then I heard the most wonderful sound, the sound of his little helpless cry. I started sobbing uncontrollably. They held him up for me to see but it was so quick he was just a blur, I could not believe he was here! My Dh went over to be with the baby while they finished the surgery.

I kept asking if he was ok and Dh kept telling me he was. I then asked him how much he weighted. Dh said I'm not sure I heard them say 11 10. What!? 11lbs 10oz? How is that possible? I heard the Dr say he was a big baby but how they hell was I carrying an 11lb baby and no one knew? Then the Dr corrected him and said 11 1o was the time of birth. We all had a chuckle I was so relieved to hear he was 7lbs 12 oz. I then said to the Dr I thought you said he was big? He then told me with all the trouble they had getting him out they thought he was much bigger. Dh told me that they had to use a vacuum to get him out and the cord was wrapped around his next 3x's! This scared me to death and I then continued to ask is he ok?

Then it happened. The Neonatalogist came over to me and explained that Jack had some fluid in his lungs. He was "grunting". They tried to give him time and were giving him oxygen hoping he would clear it out on his own but no such luck. She informed me that they were taking him to NICU for some observation. She reassured me that this was fairly common for c-section births and that he had such a mild case there was really no reason for me to worry. For some reason I really wasn't worried. It was the strangest thing. I was being told that my baby was being taken to NICU but I wasn't worried. I think I have that Dr to thank for that. She explained it to me so calmly and reassured me so much that I truly felt like I had no reason to be worried. I was of course disappointed that he would not be coming with me to recovery, that I would not be able to nurse him right away, that I would not be able to hold him. It broke my heart that he had just come into this world and his mommy was not going to be able to hold him and comfort him.

They finally brought him over for me to see and hold. I looked him in the eyes and it was like I had known him my entire life. In that moment I became a true believer of love at first sight. I knew nothing about this little person, he was a total stranger to me. Yet I was totally in love with him. I knew in that moment that my life had changed forever. I was now a mother.

last night pregnant- 38wks 5days

2010-07-06T22:34:00.001-04:00

I am beyond thrilled that tomorrow I will become a mommy, I have waited a long time for this day. I cannot wait to meet my little boy, I know it is going to be a 1000x's better then I can ever imagine. But I would be lying if I said that I was glad my pregnancy is over. I have loved every minute of being pregnant. I was lucky enough to have had a wonderful pregnancy with no complications. I have loved the ultrasound visits, hearing his heartbeat at every doctors appointment, feeling him kick, and his little baby hiccups. I will miss being pregnant, it has been so much more then I could have ever dreamed. I know that tomorrow when I see his face, and hear his first cry I will quickly forget how sad I am to be done with this pregnancy. I look forward to what motherhood has to offer and know it is going to be one hell of a ride! But for tonight I am just enjoying every moment I have with him, before I have to share him with the world.

Got our proofs back- 38wks 2 days

2010-07-03T19:50:00.003-04:00

We celebrated our anniversary by getting maternity pictures taken, It has been a long two weeks waiting for the proofs to be ready. I am so glad to have them to look back on. In a few short days I am going to be holding my little boy in my arms and probably missing feeling him move around inside me. It will be nice to have these pictures to look back on and to remember how blessed I am, and how much I enjoyed my pregnancy.

It's July!! 38 weeks

2010-07-01T20:59:00.002-04:00

Today is the first day of July!

That means that as of today we have six days before we meet our amazing little boy. The little boy that I have hoped and dreamed for way before he was even conceived. It has been a long nine months, but as a friend put it I have been waiting much longer then nine months to meet this little boy. Truer words have not been spoken.

I am so done being pregnant, I am tired, and achy, and just ready to pop this kid out! That's what every pregnant women says at the end right? Well I must be missing something, because I am truly going to miss every moment of being pregnant. I am going to miss the excitement, the wonder, hearing his heart beat on the doppler at every dr appt, feeling him move, feeling his little baby hiccups, seeing him on the u/s. I am going to miss it all!

But guess what it six short days I am going to get to hold him, look into his eyes, see what he finally looks like, smell his sweet baby smell, hear his little baby cries, feel his soft baby skin. Six days from now I am going to be a mommy. So as much as I will miss having him all to myself, and miss having him inside me, I am going to have this miracle looking up at me loving me because I am all he has none for the last 9 months. In the big picture the last 9 months are just a small blip on the radar, we have an entire lifetime of great moments to look forward to.

I know there is no way to prepare for the emotions I am going to feel when I see him for the first time. But I already love him so much I feel like I could burst, it gets better then this?

Celebrating six years- 36wks 1 day

2010-06-18T23:39:00.000-04:00

Today is our sixth wedding anniversary.

I would love to say the time has flown, and it's been such a wonderful six years but that would be a lie. It's been a long hard six years, but today as I look back I'm not sure I would change a single thing.

I have learned a lot about myself, I am so much stronger then I ever thought I could be. If four years ago when we started trying to have a baby you had told me what I would have to go through to get there, I would have thought no way....I can't do that. But with every m/c, with every dr appt, with every failed cycle I got a little stronger.

Not only did I get stronger but our relationship has too. It took some big blows over the last few years and I will be honest there were days I thought we wouldn't survive it. But we have and it has brought us closer.

I also think we learned a lot about each other through the process, I learned that even in my darkest moments when I felt like there was no hope, that I was all alone in this, I was actually never alone. Not for one single moment, I always had a rock standing right next to me begging to be leaned on. Did I always lean on him? No, there were plenty of times that I tried like hell to push that rock away from me, but guess what he never budged!

We both did a lot of growing up in the last six years, what choice did we have? We were faced with things we never thought we would have to deal with. We learned that the world is not all puppy dogs, and rainbows. We learned that sometimes you have to work for what you want, truly work for it. Something neither of us ever had to do, both being only children. We became a lot less selfish along the way also.

All things we needed to learn before we could bring a baby into this world. Before we could be the amazing parents we're about to be. Funny how things work huh?

I love this man more today then the day I said "I do", he is the man I was meant to travel down this road with. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy Anniversary Babe!

Let the sleeping late begin - 35wks 4 days

2010-06-14T10:34:00.000-04:00

Ahhh, no more work!!!

I am free at last, first thing on the agenda SLEEP! I have been so tired lately I am looking forward to not having to be up at 6am every morning =) I do have a long list of things I have to do in the next few weeks, but for today they can wait I am going to just relax and enjoy my first day off.

Baby shower! 35wks 3 days

2010-06-13T20:44:00.002-04:00

Today was my shower! I had such a great time, it was so great to be surrounded by all of our loved ones. The people who have been there over the years praying for us.

We got a TON of gifts which was just so overwhelming! It took 5 cars to get it all home. As I sit here in my living room I am surrounded by gifts! Looks like I will be spending the next week putting everything away! We got all the big items that we NEEDED and an ton of clothes. They of course were all 0-3 months so we're gonna have a naked baby after 3 months but none the less, he will be one well dressed little guy!

I can't believe we are 3.5 weeks away from him being here. I am so excited to meet him, but also starting to freak out a little too. Well, ready or not here he comes!

Nursery is finished 35 wks 2 days

2010-06-12T20:52:00.001-04:00

As of tonight the nursery is officially finished!

We put up the name decal tonight, the bedding is on the crib, all we are waiting for is the baby!

Tomorrow is my shower so hopefully we will be all set and have everything we need to bring the little guy home!

Time is starting to fly, he will be here before we know it!

Last week of work- 34wks 3 days

2010-06-06T14:24:00.003-04:00

Five days!! I only have five days of work left WHOO HOO!!!

I know this week is going to go super slow. I am so excited to have a few weeks off before the little guy comes to get stuff done around here. My shower is this Sunday too, which I am so excited about. Having the time off before the little guy gets here will give me time to put everything away and wash some of his clothes.

I can't believe how close we are! I am so excited but soooo scared too! I can't believe I'm gonna be a mommy =)

The furniture is here- 33wks 3 days

2010-06-02T18:08:00.002-04:00

I called yesterday to set up delivery for this weekend, but they told me that they would not be able to deliver this weekend. They said they would be in the area today and could deliver it today, other wise it would have to be delivered in 2wks. I really wanted the furniture here before my shower so I can put things away and have the room semi set up before all the gifts get dumped in that room. Dh was kind enough to stay home and wait for the delivery, I really had to twist his arm on this one.

I was so excited I had to come home on my lunch to see it. I love it! The color is a little darker then I was expecting but I am still very happy with it. I raced home after work and washed the bedding, I was so excited to put it all together! I think it is definitely something he will grow into and hopefully be his furniture till he leaves us :'o(

I sat in the rocking chair last night looking at the beautifully painted walls, imaging where I wanted the furniture, and I welled up with tears. I never thought I would be here. I never thought there would be a crib in my house. I am so blessed and so thankful for this wonderful gift we have been given.

Daddy is painting- 33wks 1 day

2010-05-29T17:47:00.000-04:00

I came home from work today to find my wonderful Dh painting the nursery! I love the color and am so excited that the room is starting to come together. He even installed the ceiling light and dimmer switch.

I never thought we would be here. For the last 4yrs I have kept that door closed, not knowing if it would ever be the nursery that I imagined. I would go in there and cry looking at the empty room I so desperately wanted to be our baby's room. I am so thankful for this gift we have been given.

We have a date- 32wks 4 days

2010-05-24T17:58:00.002-04:00

We got the call today they scheduled our c0section for 7-7-10! It's crazy to think that in a few weeks he's going to be here. It's crazy to know what his birthday will be. This is all crazy!

I am a little bummed that we have to move forward with the c-section but I wasn't super thrilled about either of the options to be honest lol. I know he has to come out one way or another but I am very worried about the recovery involved with a c-section. I just hope that I am not in to much pain to be able to enjoy him or take care of him. I also worry about being able to see him right away in the operating room. Everyone has assured me I will get to see him and even spend some time with him in recovery which would make me a very happy mama.

The most important thing is that he is healthy and I do what is best for the both of us. I know that I will be so excited to have here in my arms that the pain will not be able to bring me down.

So it looks like I'm going to be a mommy in just about 6 weeks!!

4D u/s-31wks 3d

2010-05-16T16:37:00.000-04:00

Well we gave it one last try, and guess what?! Our little guy wouldn't cooperate again! It's ok though we got some pretty good shots of him and it was just fun to get to see him again. I am amazed by how much I love this kid already. I can't believe we are so close to meeting him and having him in our arms. I am scared and excited all at once. I can't believe that I am going to be a mom! I guess after years of trying I began to think I may never be a mom and now here I am weeks away from becoming one.

We got a great shot our the little man with his feet over his head which seems to be his favorite position. We also got to see his adorable chubby cheeks, and the best part was seeing him smile! The umbilical cord tickled his nose and he gave us this precious smile!!

I do think that he definitely has my nose, and may even look like me a little. This of course makes me smile, but shhh don't tell Dh =)

I'm so in love!

4D u/s-30wks 2d

2010-05-08T18:15:00.003-04:00

We gave it another try and it's obvious that our little guy does not want us to get a good look at him until the big day! Again he had his feet up over his head and his hands in his face. The tech said he was also nuzzled up in the placenta making it even harder. We did get to see him yawn which was adorable! We did about 20 mins and she told us to come back next week so I guess we'll give it one last try, we're running out of time! I don't mind I love getting to see him, and this will be our third visit so I guess we got our moneys worth.

From what we have seen I think he's pretty darn cute! But to be honest I don't think any 4D picture is going to be good enough for me, I want to see the real deal. I can't wait to stare at his little face for hrs!

Hiccups- 28wks 6 days

2010-04-28T17:30:00.001-04:00

Today I felt baby hiccups for the first time =)

I was at the dr's office waiting to be called and I kept feeling a blip, blip, blip... When I got into the office I asked the dr what hiccups felt like. And she told me that was exactly what I was feeling. It was so crazy to feel, they were very faint and I had to concentrate on them to feel them, but it was amazing!

4D u/s-28wks 3d

2010-04-25T13:09:00.003-04:00

We went for our second 4D u/s today. I was so excited to get to see my little man again and was hoping he would cooperate and let us get some good shots of him. But he is is father's son and of course made us work for the few good shot we were able to get.

When we got our first look he had his legs up over his head. We weren't able to see his face at all. The Tech had me eat a munchkin, and walk around a bit. It seemed to help a little but he still had his arm in front of his fast the whole time. We were able to get a few semi good shots but even those had the umbilical cord in front of his face. It was still fun to get to see my little guy though. Rather then waste our 45 min session trying to get a good view we decided we would come back another time. The tech said the placenta is behind him, and the fluid is good so it's just a matter of him cooperating!

I think I am going to make the next appt for around 30 wks. That gives him some time to grow a little more, and then we have another 20 min session I might make for around 35 wks.

First Trip to L&D - 28wks 2days

2010-04-24T15:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was panicking because I wasn't feeling movement like I usually do. I had to take an early lunch and run home to use the doppler. I felt a little better after hearing his hb but was still very worried about the decrease in movement. I drank some oj and tried to relax. I did start to feel more movement after that which put my mind at ease. He was moving up a storm after dinner and little bit last night.

When I woke up this morning I felt no movement yet again. I ate breakfast, dranks some oj and layed on my left side. When his movement didn't pick up I really started to get nervous. I checked his heartrate on the doppler and again it was fine. This did not make me feel better about his movemement though. I called my Dr and got the oncall Dr. He told me to head to L&D to be monitored. This made me more nervous I was hoping he would say everything was ok, but at the same time I was able to relax knowing they would find anything if there was anything to worry about at the hospital.

They hooked me up to a fetal scope to monitor his heartrate, and another monitor to check for contractions. Heartrate was good and the montior was able to pick up movement, only some of which I was able to feel. They monitored me for about 45 mins and said that everything looked good. The nurse was super nice and told me it's always better to come in if I feel like something is wrong then sit at home and worry. I was a bit embarrassed but I would rather be safe then sorry.

Let's hope my next trip to L&D is in July when this baby is ready to be born!

Got to see the little man-26wks 6 days

2010-04-14T17:51:00.000-04:00

We went for our follow up u/s today. This was the one that the Dr sent us in for just to make sure the pain was nothing more then RPL. It was also a growth scan to make sure he is growing big and strong! Judging by the kicks lately he is doing just fine with the strong part. We have a follow up with the Dr on the 26th so I guess she will go over the results of the u/s with us then. Everything looked good as far as I could see. The tech told us he measured in the 50% for both height and weight, which means we have an average baby!

I love getting to see him, I could lay there watching him all night. I can't wait to have in my arms!

Today is a big day-26wks

2010-04-08T18:55:00.001-04:00

Today is big day! I have soooo been looking forward to this day, I can't believe that I have made it this far!

We are 26 weeks today!!
26wks is a big day because it means that if God for bid our little guy was to make his entrance into the world early he would be viable. I know this is not the best way to think but throughout this entire pregnancy I have tried to take it day by day, week by week knowing that every week he continues to cook in there we are another week closer to having a healthy baby boy in our arms.

Up until 21 weeks: 0% survival rate

at 22 weeks: 0-10% survival rate

at 23 weeks: 10-35% survival rate

at 24 weeks: 40-70% survival rate

at 25 weeks: 50-80% survival rate

at 26 weeks: 80-90% survival rate

at 27 weeks: greater than 90% survival rate

I can't help but think of all the families out there that have lost their babies after the 26wk mark thinking they were in the clear. I know things happen, it's in God's hands at this point, but that does not help me to not stress and worry that something may happen to our lil guy. But for today I am thankful and blessed to be 26wks pregnant!

Today is also double digits!!
I cannot believe that in 99 days, more or less, we will have what we have been dreaming so long for. I remember when we were planning our wedding looking at our wedding ticker thinking time was moving soooo slow. We were engaged for 2yrs so time was moving slow! But I remember hitting double digits and realizing how big that was. Well, here I am six years later thinking my pregnancy is moving soooo slow. But seeing that ticker today in the double digits makes it feel so much closer.

Let the count down begin!

A year ago today...
our little guy was created! 4-8-09 was my egg retrieval, 41 eggs were retrieved, 32 fertilized 5 days later we recieved the news that and only 3 were unaffected by the inversion. I was disapointed with this number, but had to remain hopeful that the 2 we transferred would be our babies, and that we would then have a sibling for later down the road. After that cycle did not take I was devasted, I remember hearing the Dr tell us that the 3rd embryo was not strong and might not make to freeze. I was ready to throw in the towel, thinking our chance at having a biological child was gone. At our follow appointment the Dr told us that our last little embryo had made it to freeze. We had one last chance! I remember that day thinking it only takes one! In October we decided to give it one last chance before moving on to embryo adoption.

Well here in I am 26wks later feeling that little embryo kicking as I right this.

It only takes one!

Growing pains? 25wks 5 days

2010-04-06T14:40:00.003-04:00

Today I called the Dr due to sharp pains I keep having in my lower abdomen. They seem to come and go but take my breathe away each time. I thought maybe they were braxton hicks but I wasn't sure what they feel like. The Dr told me to come in so she could check me out. Once there she did discover that I had a bladder infection. She said that could be causing some of the pain, but most likely it's just round ligament pain (growing pains). She gave me an antibiotic for the infection and a script for an u/s! Of course I am thrilled to have another u/s done, she just wants to be safe and make sure that's all it is. I felt like an alarmest running in there for some RLP, but hey I've never been pg before. I guess it's better to be safe then sorry.

I have the u/s scheduled for next Wednesday, so yay for an extra u/s!

Happy Easter! 25wks 3 days

2010-04-04T18:31:00.003-04:00

Happy Easter!

This is the last year that the Easter Bunny will be hopping past our house! I can't wait to add this little guy to our family. He is already so loved and so spoiled!

Hope everyone had a great Easter!

Heartbroken 25 wks 2 days

2010-04-03T12:35:00.002-04:00

Today I received news that another Nestie has lost her baby. This only a week after the other. It is totally devastating to hear that these women who have tried so hard to get pg to begin with have now lost their sweet little girls. It seems so unfair, haven't they gone through enough already? I can't even begin to imagine the heartbreak they are feeling right now, I wish there I was something I could do or say but I know nothing but time will heal their hearts.

On a more selfish note I have decided to take a break from the message boards for awhile. My anxiety level is already sky high and hearing this devastating news is just adding to my anxiety. I am so terrified that something will happen to my little man. I have trouble sleeping at night because I worry that something might happen while I am sleeping. I over analyze his every move. If he is lazy and not moving I worry, if he moves to much I worry why is he moving so much? I still use my doppler nightly to make sure his heartbeat is strong. I worry about every lil pain I feel in my lower abdoman. I was so looking forward to V-day, viability day, 26 weeks but after hearing that Lindsay lost her baby today at 28 weeks I feel like I will never be able to take a deep breathe. I know it is not good to stress this much but as much as I try to have faith this little guy is safe and strong I still find myself having mini panick attacks. These next 15 weeks can't go fast enough!

My thoughts and prayers go out to Nina, Lindsey and their families. They are strong women who don't deserve this pain. I know they will find the strength to get through this difficult time and hold their babies one day with their little girls looking down watching over them.

24 weeks

2010-03-25T19:28:00.000-04:00

I never thought I would be able to say I am 6 months pregnant! I still lay here and and feel my little man moving around and I am in total aww of the whole thing. It's exciting and scary all at the same time, I never stop worrying, never stop thinking this is all way to good to be true. I know he's not done cooking yet, and this is when I need to be patient more then ever, but I can not wait till I can hold him in my arms, know that he is healthy & safe and see his beautiful face. I want to tell him how much he was wanted, and loved before he was even created.

He is definitely making himself known these days. His movement has picked up although it is still so inconsistent. I really want for Dh to be able to feel him move more, but he is his father's son and is very uncooperative!

I also officially popped. I am of course having a hard time with this. You spend your whole life trying to keep your belly hidden, and then one day you wake up with this huge belly that you just cannot hide! Not to mention everyone wants to point it out and draw attention to it! I always dreamed of having this cute baby belly, not sure why since I have always been a little heavier and had a belly to start with. Well my belly is not cute. I feel fat! I have spent $200 on maternity clothes and I am working on embracing the belly. I do need to take some pictures and will post some soon.

Pretty uneventful these days just counting down the days!

Daddy gets a kick

2010-02-27T22:37:00.000-05:00

Tonight daddy got to feel our little guy move for the first time. It was pretty exciting to be able to share that with him. He was surprised by it, but his smile was priceless.

It's all so amazing!

Anatomy scan today-19wks5days

2010-02-23T22:11:00.002-05:00

Tonight was our anatomy scan, I love seeing our little guy and never get tired of it!

It was just so amazing to see his little heart beating away, up until tonight it has always been just a flicker on the screen. But to see it up close and knowing that this little tiny baby inside me has this amazing heart beating away was just incredible.

He was not exactly cooperating, he was all tucked in a ball, at one point we got to see him with his feet over his head, he looked like he was folded in half! After changing positions a few times we were able to get what they needed, we got to see his kidneys, stomach, spine, it was all just so crazy. He is a little person now! We also verified that we are indeed having a little boy. It's just so crazy that we knew what he was last April when we did the transfer, but I will take any opportunity I get to make sure the PGD is right!

We had to go to the same place that we had the NT scan, luckily we didn't have to wait 2hrs this time!! Dh wasn't able to leave work early, and the appt was at 3. I was so afraid he was going to miss it so I took my time, the snow/rain helped me get there nice and late for the appt and luckily Dh was able to make it just in time.

I'm not super crazy about the tech, he was the same one as last time. He thinks he's funny when he's not and pretty much ruined all of our u/s pics by writing "hi mommy and daddy" in a word bubble on them all. I was able to photoshop one so it's not to bad, but it still annoys me.

It was great to see our little man again. I just can't wait to meet him!

Had such a nice day-19wks3d

2010-02-21T17:46:00.002-05:00

Dh and I decided to go for breakfast and go down to the outlets in Flemington. We got to go to one of our favorite diner's, Skylark diner. It was delish as expected, and I ate way to much!

We headed to the outlets, I had a coupon for Carters and we are finally at a point where we felt comfortable buying stuff for the baby. So we had fun picking out a bunch on stuff for the baby. The hard part was knowing what size to get. Not knowing what size he will be when he is born makes it hard, I know they don't wear newborn sizes very long but I wanted a few things he could wear right away. I got a few of each size so he will have some stuff no matter what size he is. $70 later we had a bag full of goodies for the baby.

Then pregnancy brain kicked in! I reached in to get my credit card and it wasn't in my wallet! I of course paniced, we were able to put it on another card luckily, and when we got home I found my card in the pocket of my other coat. Gotta love these damn hormones!!

I hung the clothes in his closet, I love looking at them hanging there. I still can't believe that is a few short months I am going to have a baby to put into them!

Best Valentine's day ever- 18wks3d

2010-02-14T21:35:00.002-05:00

Today is Valentine's day and I not only have my wonderful Dh who I love dearly I have this little boy inside me that I am more in love with then I ever thought possible. I told my Dh that the best gift our little guy could give me would to let me feel his movement. I have been waiting very patiently and know that I should be feeling it within the next few weeks, I just thought today would be a great day to make himself known.

So tonight after we got back from dinner, I laid on the couch and I felt him!! Of course by the time my brain registered that it was him I was feeling it was gone and I did not feel it again. I can't wait till it is more often and stronger, it is such an incredible feeling knowing he is in there moving around and I am finally able to feel it!

Hunt for a new OB - 17wk5d

2010-02-10T17:16:00.001-05:00

A friend recommended my current OB, after meeting him the first time we really liked him. We then found out that my Dh's insurance would be changing in March and that this dr would no longer be in network. I was really upset by this because I did really like him, and the thought of having to try to find someone elses I felt comfortable in network was just overwhelming. My Dh did his homework, talked to the insurance guy and were told that since I would be in my 2nd tri come march Oxford would offer transitional care. This means Oxford would cover me as if they were BCBS, all we needed was the dr to fill out the paperwork.

At our next visit my Dh asked thr dr if he would be willing to fill out the paperwork for the tranisitional care and explained the situation. The dr said this was fine and told us to bring in the paperwork at our next visit. Fast forward to Tuesday, we tried to give the dr the paperwork and he said he didn't deal with the insurance and to give it to the girls upfront on the way out. Yeah, well guess what? The girls at the desk says in her nasty tone, "we don't do transitional care, if we are going to do transitional care we mine as well just take Oxford." We explained that the dr said it was fine and she says, "the dr delivers the babies, he has nothing to do with insurance, you should have asked us." I then tell them that we won't be able to stay here then and she tells us to just pay our deductible. Really? Why would I pay out of network costs when I can be covered? Am I happy that I have to change no, but there is no way I am going to pay $500 I don't need to just to stay here and deal with your nasty attitude!

I left there feeling so upset! I am 2 weeks away from getting my antomy scan, which needs to be done under BCBS, and this OB doesn't do them so I have to find a dr to do that as well as a new dr. I have had a lot of people suggest a Dr Gallo so I called them to make an appt, only to find out that it is there policy to not take new patients after they are in their 2nd tri. I also find out this is very common practice due to liability. This of course upsets me more because had the dr told us to talk to the girls about insurance instead of saying yes its fine, I would have found a new dr a month ago and would not have this problem now! So now I have no dr as of March 1st and no idea what I am going to do.

Dh has been great making all sorts of calls trying to find a new dr, but of course this is a holiday weekend and a lot of the offices are closed till Tuesday. Things just never seem to go smoothly for us, I am thrilled to be this far along in this pregnancy but could really have done without this drama right now. I know things will work out, they have to. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this.

I'm not having fun -17wks2d

2010-02-06T11:30:00.000-05:00

All I ever wanted was to get pg, and now that I'm here I'm not enjoying it. I know I have no right to complain and I am sooo thankful that I'm here, but IF has ruined all the fun.

We never wanted to know what we were having, but PGD ruined that for us. And because we have known what we are having since the day we got our BFP I have always felt farther along then I actually am. example the rush to register, DH and I just decided we need to wait to register since my shower won't be till after he's born, thanks to IF, probably closer to September.

My mom won't purchase the furniture till he's born and Dh doesn't want to paint till he's born so I can't work on the nursery.

I use my doppler every night to make sure everything is ok, I still spend most days terrified he's going to be taken from me, again thanks to IF. Because of all my worrying time is standing still.

My u/s experiences have been just ok due to crappy techs.

I'm not showing yet thanks to all the weight I gained over the past 4yrs, again because of IF. I'm not feeling movement probably because I'm fat which just causes me to worry more.

God I sound so ungrateful, I'm thrilled to be pg! I just want it to be July and have this little boy in my arms. Everyone keeps saying don't rush it you'll miss it when its over but I'm not enjoying it.

4D u/s-16wks6d

2010-02-03T21:22:00.003-05:00

Tonight we went for our 4D u/s. We verified that he is defiantly a boy, and got to see that he's ok. We weren't able to get a lot of good pictures since he is still so tiny. It was suppose to be a 45 min session but we ended it after 20 mins and will use the other 25 mins on our next visit around 26 wks. The tech said we can even do a third visit later in the pg which is pretty cool. I really can't complain, it was good to see my boy. The tech liked to talked A LOT! Therefore didn't really tell us what we were looking at and believe me at points we needed naration. I just can't wait till he's here, I want him in my arms!

We bought our nursery bedding-14wks 6d

2010-01-21T21:28:00.002-05:00

We have had a hard time deciding on what theme we wanted to go with in the nursery. I thought I wanted puppies so I sold Dh on it, it wasn't a hard sell by the way. Then I decided I wanted monkeys, Dh was not thrilled with this at all. He's a little freaked out by monkeys lol! So I began my search for something, different, and bright. I finally found it at Pottery Barn Kids and just love it! I went to the store to see if I would like it in person and I really really do. I know I probably shouldn't have bought it this early but I am just so afraid that they will discontinue it before July. My parents are buying us the funiture, but my mom refuses to buy it until after the baby is born. I am very eager to get the room set up, so this puts a damper on things but I understand her reasons and it's probably for the better.

Trip to the ER-13wks 5d

2010-01-12T21:22:00.000-05:00

I am little embarrassed to be writing this, hopefully this will be the only time I freak out and rush to the ER.

I had awful back pain yesterday, 10x worse then it has been. I also had some cramping. In honesty it felt like I was getting my period. I just didn't feel right all day. I came home on my lunch to check the hb and everything was perfect. I had an OB appt today so just figured I would talk to him about not feeling good today. Well before I went to bed I decided to check the hb again. In the past I have had 0 trouble finding it, it's always in the same spot. well after 1/2hr of trying to find it I freaked out and scared Dh enough for him to say we need to go to the ER. So off we went.

Once there they were not able to find it with a doppler either. They finally called for an u/s but since it's a small hospital the u/s tech left at 11pm and needed to be called back. It seemed like forever, I laid there sure that he was gone. Finally we get the u/s and what do they find? A happy healthy little baby measuring right where he should be with a good hb.

I feel like I overreacted, but had I not felt like crap all day I may have not thought anything of it. My OB lectured me today about using the doppler so I think I may need to lay off it. It was scary, but I am so glad everything turned out fine.

Today I am exhausted from only getting 5hrs sleep, my back is still killing but dr said welcome to pregnancy. GREAT!

NT scan-13wks1d

2010-01-08T21:19:00.000-05:00

Please don't get me wrong I am totally thrilled that everything looked good and our little man is doing great! But I was a little disappointed with this appointment.

After waiting 2hr, yes 2hrs our appointment was at 2:30 and they didn't take us till 4:30, I think the tech was in a little bit of a rush to get out of there. He showed us a bunch of views of the little guy, but was moving the probe around so much and so fast that it was hard to get a good view of him. I also find that they never point the screen at me, my Dh always gets the great views and is thrilled with the experience while I am stuck seeing a side view. He printed out a few pictures for us, but they are blurry and not the greatest shots. It was exciting to see him, but I was hoping for more. Knowing that I won't have another u/s till 20wks doesn't help.

I know I should be thrilled, but I'm bummed. My Dh is floating on air and thought it was all amazing, I was less then impressed. God that sounds awful! Again I am just thrilled the little guy is doing well, I guess nothing else matters right?

Happy 2010-12wks

2010-01-01T21:57:00.001-05:00

Today we officially announced on Facebook that 2010 will be the year our baby will be born!

We posted the picture attached and the status went something like this....
Party hats $4.29, streamers and noise makers $5.15, bottle of sparkling cider $6.00, being to tell friends and family that 2010 is the year our baby will be born.....PRICELESS!!
Baby Ryan due July 15, 2010

The responses we got were overwhelming. We have been blessed with wonderful family and friends who have supported us every step of the way. They have all been praying for us, and today I saw just how much this baby is already loved.

Today was a good day, it was wonderful to be able to make this announcement. I have been waiting so long to become a member of this elite club, and today I got my membership card!

Happy 2010!

It's New Year's Eve-11wks6d

2009-12-31T21:00:00.000-05:00

2010 is 3hrs away and I am so excited for it to get here!

I have always hated New Year's...thought it was so depressing, another year gone and nothing to show for it. But not this year! This is the year our baby boy will be born!

Wishing you all a happy, healthy New Year!

The most wonderful sound-11wk5d

2009-12-29T19:52:00.003-05:00

Tonight I found his heartbeat with the doppler. I can't believe how much more at ease I am right now. I will never tire of hearing that sound.

I was starting to get worried because most people are able to hear the heartbeat with the doppler between 10-12wks. But tonight I decided that I was going to be patient and search every inch on my uterus until I found it, I was determined! Sure enough I was able to find it. It was like his little way of saying see mom here I am, I'm ok!

I feel so much more comfortable about telling people now, and I will be announcing it on Facebook Thursday at midnight! I will 12wks at that point and feel like it is time to start enjoying this time!

Merry Christmas-11wks1d

2009-12-25T22:40:00.000-05:00

Every year I ask for the same thing for Christmas, and it is never anything anyone can give me. All I want for Christmas is a baby! This Christmas I had what I have always wanted and no other gift could come close to the precious gift I have been given.

We are truly blessed to have gotten this far in this pregnancy. I am blessed to have a wonderful Dh and family who have stood by me and supported me through every step of this journey. I have been given a Christmas miracle and I promise that this baby will be loved more then you can imagine!

It was an emotional day, I thought about the fact that my Dh's dad will not have to chance to meet this baby he has sent us. I thought about how every Christmas for the last 4yrs have been filled with anger, sadness, and heartbreak. Most of all I thought about how this year is our last year as just the two of us. That next year we will be celebrating Christmas as a FAMILY!

We celebrated Christmas with Dh's mom. We gave her the same poem we gave my parents and although she had suspected that I might be pg she seemed surprised when she read it. She to cried which made me cry. It is such a scary surreal thing to be telling our families that we will be having a baby. This is all I have wanted forever, and now that we are sitting here it just doesn't feel real. I am excited but still very scared that at any moment this can be ripped away from us.

For today I am Pregnant! Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve-11wks

2009-12-24T23:28:00.000-05:00

I had every intention on giving my grandmother the same poem for her Christmas gift, but after talking to my mom last night she expressed all the fears she had in my telling people this early. I got nervous and decided I would wait.

Once we were getting ready to do gifts my mom asked if I had brought it. I told her no, and that she had talked me out of it the night before. She told me I should tell everyone, I am awful with announcements so I wasn't going to just announce it to the whole family. Dh asked if I wanted him to go home and get it but at this point I had decided not to tell anyone. My mom told me I should at least tell my grandmother.

I waited till we were in the family room alone and said, "Grandma I have something I wanted to tell you when no one else is around. We're gonna have a baby!" Her mouth dropped and in walked my uncle and aunt. She didn't have anytime to process it or react, once they left my other aunt and my cousin walked in. I guess my timing wasn't great. When we were getting ready to leave my mom asked her if she wanted to walk us out. She walked us out and asked when, I told her July and explained that it was still early and wasn't ready for the whole family to know. With this my cousins come running out.

I'm a little sad that the moment was ruined and that I let my fears get in the way of making a big announcement and letting the whole family know at once. As my Dh later said when we were home, we are very lucky for each day I am pg. We are even luckier to have the opportunity to be able to spread the news during the holiday season. I just wish that I could push my fears aside and truly enjoy the fact that today I am pg, and I have made it 11 weeks!

Sharing our news-10wk3d

2009-12-20T21:16:00.002-05:00

We celebrated Christmas with my parents today since we will be spending Christmas eve with my family and Christmas day with MIL.

I was excited to give my parents their gift, but also very nervous. I knew they would be excited but was also worried that it was still to early. That my mom would still be to worried to be able to enjoy this good news, and as silly as it sounds I was worried that by telling them I was jinxing it in some way.

I printed this poem I found online onto Christmas paper and wrapped it in an empty box.

This Christmas we have a special present to share,
This is a gift that requires extra love and care.
It's not bright and shiny, or wrapped in a bow,
We just know that you'll treasure it and love it so.

You may be wondering where this gift might be,
Since as you can see this box is empty.
Well, you can't play with this present today,
Because it hasn't arrived yet I'm sorry to say.

This gift is special and needs time to grow,
The wait is well worth it we want you to know!
In July your surprise will be ready for you,
Because that is when our baby is due!

When I gave them the box I explained that it was for both of them, but whoever opened it had to read it out loud. My dad was the one to read it because mom would have needed her glasses to read it. I was shaking as he read it, and when he got to the last line he just stopped reading they both started crying and my mom asked if everything was ok. I explained that so far everything looked good and the Dr told us we have a 1% chance of m/c at this point.

I showed them our latest u/s pic, I'm not sure they knew what they were looking at, but I was so glad to be able to share it with them.

I know that they are still worried as I still am, but I think they were happy with thier Christmas present this year.

First OB appointment today-9wk6d

2009-12-16T18:01:00.003-05:00

I was worried they weren't going to do an u/s but they did and it was wonderful! We could actually see his head, torso, arms and legs it was amazing! He actually looks like a baby. The Dr said he was very cooperative and we got an amazing picture of him, looks like we have a little ham! We got to see him moving around which was so cool. It was all to much for me to handle!

My friend referred him to me and she loves him, and now I can see why! He is so nice, down to earth, and easy to talk to. He is the only one in the practice so I asked if he would be delivering and he told us he has only missed 2 births in his career. One of which was when he was stuck in NYC during 9/11. That was pretty comforting, I don't want to show up that day to find a total stranger is delivering me.

We really didn't have a lot of questions for him. My Dh asked how to get me to relax and stop worrying. Then he said the most wonderful words, he told us that at this point I have a 1% chance of m/c. Now I know I can easily be that 1% but I felt this huge load lifted from my shoulders. I asked him to please tell my Dh that I can have chocolate and he explained to my Dh that chocolate actually has little to no caffeine in it. So :oP !!! He also told me not to listen to all the advice I am going to get from everyone I meet.

He does want me to go for an NT scan even though we had the PGD so I have to schedule that for 2wks. This is fine with me! Means I get to see the little man again!

I go back for my 2nd OB appt on the 13th. It seems forever away, but I also know it is going to be a very uneventful appt. I am just a normal pg women at this point. But as long as everything continues to go well I'm ok with that!

Had another scare last night-8wk1d

2009-12-06T12:28:00.005-05:00

So last night I had another bleeding scare. I called the nurse on call and she explained that bleeding during early pg is common and not to worry unless I was filling a pad in less then an hr. She asked if I was cramping which I wasn't, told me to keep my feet up and drink lots of fluids and come to the office in the morning. I wasn't due to go back till Tuesday, and that was going to be my last appt with the RE.

We went in this morning and everything looked good, the heartbeat was 178 and he is actually starting to look like a baby now not some sort of alien lol. She showed us his head, heartbeat, chest, and little arm buds. Sooo cute! I am so in love with this little guy!

So this was our last appt, I will have to go back again just for blood work, but that was it. It was bittersweet. I have waited so long to be released from my RE, and it is exciting that we have made it this far, but I am also scared. There is this comfort in going in every week and getting bw and an u/s. As I walked out with Dh I said thats probably the last time we will get to see him for awhile. =(

I am looking into buying a doppler so I can listen to the heartbeat at home. I think thats going to be the only thing that gets me through when I don't get to see the OB as often.

Christmas is quickly approaching and I can't wait to tell our parents. For so long the holidays have not been fun or joyus but this year I am so looking forward to them! I still can't beileve that I have been blessed with this little miracle!

So I didn't get released today- 7wk4d

2009-12-01T21:26:00.000-05:00

They did bw and an u/s and everything looked good. He's measuring a day behind but the dr said with the measurements he looked great. His heartbeat was 153, so we were very happy with that. He's doesn't look like a blob anymore!

As the Dr was leaving she said we'll see you next week. I said I thought this was our last appt? She said that she thinks they can squeeze another one in as long as insurance doesn't have a problem with it. I of course am totally fine with this, it means I get an extra u/s and who am I to argue lol.

They reduced my PIO and estrace so I will have to go back again the following week just to make sure everything is good off the meds. That's a little scary but all I can do is hope that at this point my body knows what it's doing.

Another big day tomorrow-7wk3d

2009-11-30T20:30:00.003-05:00

So tomorrow I get released from my RE, EEEK! For the last 4yrs I have watched women leave the RE's office for the last time, they have this glow, smiling from ear to ear, u/s pic in hand, and I have always wondered what that would feel like. But tonight as I get ready to be released I now know what it feels like, it's totally terrfying! This doesn't happen to me, it seems like a dream, I am just waiting for something to go wrong. I hate having that attitude and I wish that I could just enjoy every moment, but I am just so scared! It makes me sad that I have wanted this for so long and now I am here worrying it all away. I can't wait to see my little guy again tomorrow, and hear the wonderful sound of his heartbeat.

My appointment with my OB is the 16th. I have to go a whole week without an u/s, I really hope they do one at the first appointment. I will lose my mind if they don't! How am I going to go 4 weeks at a time without an appointment? My poor Dr I may just drive him crazy withing the first week.

I am so over whelmed. I want to do everything right for this little guy, I want to eat all the right things, get all the right vitamins, drink the right amount of water etc. It's so hard though, I really have no idea what I am doing. It's funny after all this time trying to get pg, I never took time to find out what to do after I got pg. There are just so many rules! It's overwhelming, and scary! I feel all this pressure to do all the right things, I don't want to f&ck this up! I bought "What to expect when your expecting" and I am thumbing through it, talk about over whelming! Part of me is still afraid to read to much, just in case anything should go wrong. After this appointment I will throw myself into it!

I sent my Dh a link to this blog www.hisboyscanswim.com,its really cute and gives them an idea of where the baby is in terms they can understand. Last week at our u/s as I was getting dressed I said something about it still being so small. He responded with, "he's only the size of a lug nut" lol it cracked me up that not only did he actually look at the blog, but he knew where we were in development. Then the other day we were driving and he said it was the size of a blueberry. I asked him how he know that, and he said I read it in your book. I can't believe that he actually looked through my book! So cute, I love him and know he's going to be an amazing dad!

Ok I think I have rambled on long enough. I will post again tomorrow when we get back from the u/s. Fingers crossed everything is great!

Happy Thanksgiving-7wks

2009-11-26T15:00:00.001-05:00

Over the last 4yrs I have learned to hate the holidays, and often found it hard to be thankful for all of the things I do have in my life. This year it is as if the light has been turned on and I can finally see how much I truly have to be thankful for....

My wonderful husband who is my rock and without him I don't know where I would be. My loving family who support us and love us the way only family can. Great friends who have stuck by our side through thick and thin. And of course our little miracle, who I am truly thankful to have been blessed with.

I'll never tire of this feeling-6wk5d

2009-11-24T21:42:00.005-05:00

After everything that happen on Friday I spent most of the weekend worrying and over analyzing my every twinge and lack of symptom. I got little to no sleep last night, just terrified that I was going to go in today and his heartbeat would be gone. But........Everything is perfect! He is measuring exactly 6wk5d and his heartbeat was 128. I'm so relieved! I think I might actually start to enjoy this now. I get released next week and my RE told me to make an appt with my OB for 2wks from now. I can't believe this is really happening, someone pinch me!

I am Blessed-6wk2d

2009-11-21T13:18:00.006-05:00

After having a bunch of dreams that my beta didn't rise, and that my progesterone dropped, and waiting all morning for them to call with my results, I finally called them.

I got the answering service, and had to wait for someone to call me back. They did call back rather quickly but of course it seemed like forever, especially when you convince yourself its bad news.

Beta was 22, 262, she said progesterone was good and that everything looked good.

I always said I wouldn't create a ticker till after I saw the heartbeat. Well I saw and HEARD the heartbeat. So I am proud to have posted my first ticker!!!!

I don't know why I am lucky enough to have finally gotten pregnant, or why after bleeding so much I got to see and hear a healthy little heartbeat, or why after all of this my numbers are still good and rising. But I do know that I am blessed, and that I am thankful for this blessing I have been given. I will enjoy each day, hope for the best, and continue to pray for the strength to get me through whatever lies ahead.

Today I am feeling very blessed!

No one said this woud be easy-6wk1d

2009-11-20T19:59:00.005-05:00

I was leaving work today around 1:30 and I thought let me just go to the bathroom before I go. I went and I was full fledged bleeding. I quickly called my RE and started flying down there, crying the whole time of course. After what seemed like an eternity I finally get down there, I get into the room and I can just feel the blood. I'm still crying my fool head off when the dr comes in and tells me to calm down. He goes to put the dildo cam in and says,"oh your bleeding a lot!"

UMM YEAH!!!

But then there he was, our lil one, measuring exactly 6wks 1day. Dr saw the heartbeat, I was of course asking a million questions when he finally shushed me and said lets see if we can hear it. Then I heard the most amazing sound ever! I was in total shock, a minute ago I was convinced I had lost this pregnancy, and now I'm listening to his heartbeat. His heartbeat was 116 which the Dr said was good. He told me to go home and rest, no lifting, not heavy work.

He leaves the room and I get up and the blood just pours out, I know TMI I'm sorry. It was everywhere, and bright red! I came home and went to the bathroom and passed huge clots, size of golf balls. I of course start crying again, telling DH that things could have been great 30 mins ago but maybe not now.

I call my nurse back and she tells me everything looks good, to rest and that it could be a lot of things like the placenta moving or from the cervix etc. I don't know this is a lot! She tells me that as long as its dark that means its old. Again I don't know! I tell her that I filled a pad in hr, she asked if it seemed to be slowing down....well yeah, kinda. I did beg her to let me come in sooner then the 30th, there is no way I can go that long after this! She told me I can come in on Tuesday.

They did bw they will call me tomorrow with the results, I just really need for everything to be ok. I am soooo crampy. I know I should trust the Dr and what I saw and heard on the u/s, but how can this be ok?

Beta #3-5wk2d

2009-11-14T11:32:00.005-05:00

I got there this morning for what I thought was just bw but they told me I was scheduled for an u/s also. This of course worried me, I wasn't prepared for an u/s. I wasn't prepared to hear bad news, I wasn't prepared to see a blank u/s screen.

They did my bw and after 2hrs they finally called me in for the u/s. The Dr said everything looks good. It's still early and we weren't able to see alot, but we saw the sac. I asked if it's where it's suppose to be, I was worried about an ectopic. He repeated that everything looked good, said I'll go back again next week, hopefully we'll see a heartbeat and everything will be better! He printed out our first u/s pic and was on his way.

On our way home I got the call from the nurse, I was terrifed that my numbers weren't going to be good. She didn't sound like she was calling with good news, but then she said everything looks good! My beta went up to 4,072!!! I had to ask her to repeat the number cause I couldn't believe it!

I am so excited! I think this might actually be the one! I know that we still have a ways to go before we are out of the woods. But for today everything is good and I am going to enjoy this day!

Beta #2

2009-11-08T13:17:00.003-05:00

350!!

It doubled! I can't believe this, I am so excited!! I know it's still early but I can't help but think this is it! They don't want to see me back till the 14th, five whole days away, which of course terrifies me. All my symptoms are gone which causes more concern, but for right now I am trying to enjoy this moment. I wish I could just fast forward to the u/s at 6 weeks, and then fast forward to January when I will officially be out of my 1st trimester. Maybe then I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief. For now I am going to get lots of rest, drink lots of water, and enjoy the fact the today I am pregnant!

Beta is in and......

2009-11-06T20:04:00.003-05:00

I'm Knocked Up!!!!

We went for my b/w early this morning and then headed into the city for the Yankee parade. This wound up being a huge mistakes since we weren't able to get in to the city as early as we needed to and the closest we could get was like a block away from the parade route. But we got to experience the craziness of Yankee fans and at times it took my mind off the ticking time bomb I had in my pocket (my phone). Once we decided seeing the parade was a bust we started heading home, this required much more walking then on the way in due to subway station closures because of the parade. At one point I felt a lot of cramping and had to sit down. At this point it was 1pm and I still hadn't heard anything. I was afraid that the cramping was a sign I was pushing myself to much. At one point I said to Dh I know I'm not suppose to get my hopes up, but I feel pregnant. We decided that we would stop in a diner and get some breakfast/lunch. I was relieved to empty my over full bladder, get to sit, and finally eat something for the first time all day! I then proceeded to eat 2 scrambled eggs, 3 pancakes, and a plate of hash browns. Not to mention the 2 glasses of water. After a long trip home on crowded subways and an even more crowded train we were finally back in NJ. It was now 2:30pm and I still hadn't heard anything. I of course take this to mean that it's bad news, and I begin to lose hope with every minute that passes. I was afraid that they forgot to run my b/w or forgot to call me, after 4pm no one is in the office. So I decide to put a call in to my nurse just to remind her that I was still here waiting, annoying I know! So at 3:01pm my nurse called. She told me she had good news for me and that my beta was positive!!

My Beta was 154 today at 10 days past 5 day transfer. Thats the highest beta I have ever had! When I was saying my prayers for a positive beta, I also prayed for a beta higher then 100. I was so relieved to hear a nice high number. I know I am not out of the woods yet, I have to go back sunday to make sure the number doubles. This will let us know that it is a viable pregnancy. Again my numbers have never really doubled. So Dh has given me strict rules not to leave the couch this weekend and we pray for numbers higher then 300 on Sunday! I am still afraid to get excited, but I am so excited!! I have felt that this was our cycle since the day of the ET, but was terrifed I would be wrong and pushed the thoughts out of my head. I have not felt well all this week. After talking to some ladies on my message boards they had informed me that some of my symptoms did sound like preganancy symptoms. Again I was afraid to get my hopes up so I tried to think about it, coughing it up to just getting sick, or the time change.

My symptoms were as follows......
5dpt- shortness of breathe
6dpt-shortness of breathe, extremly tired, rash on my chest
7dpt-shortness of breathe, extremly tired, rash on my chest, headache all day
8dpt- tiredness continues, headache all day, body aches, feel like I'm getting the flu, very hungry
9dpt- Woke up after after 10 1/2 hrs of sleep still tired, headache gone, body aches gone, still hungry wanted to eat everything in sight!
10dpt-all symptoms are gone, cramping, and lower back pain, and still very hungry!!

Let the waiting and praying begin

2009-10-27T19:42:00.001-04:00

I got the call at 10:30am that we were set for our ET and to be there at 1:30pm. I was so relieved to hear that it survived the thaw!

They took me in rather quickly, I was a lil concerned cause Dh hadn't gotten there yet and we are really big on if we cant do this the natural way we will atleast both be there when its transferred. I got in the back got dressed in the beautiful garb they give you and turned around to see my Dh standing there. PHEW! I started drinking, they suggest 4-5 glasses. I am not fond of water in the first place so I am super picky about how I drink it. The water was room temperture and out of a paper cup....yuck!!

I got my laser acupuncture, and then we sat and waited, and waited, and waited! Finally they moved us into the consult area and then we waited, and waited, and waited some more. The Dr. did finally come in, and to our surprise it was OUR Dr. Our Pratice is a very large practice and out Dr is kind of a big deal. He never does any monitoring, and you only see him when you go in for a consult. I was sooo happy that he would be doing the ET. He's calming, super nice, funny, and just over all a nice guy. He showed us the picture of our embryo and told us that morpholigcally it looked good. Whatever that means! He then lead us in the room and they preped me for the ET. They showed us the embryo up on the screen and it looked like it was splitting, something like this.....00. He said that was a good sign meant it was hatching, that it was a good stage 5, and that they rarely see stage 6's. Again I am not sure what all that means but it all sounds good!

As they were moving me back into my room the Dr said, I hope there isn't a next time but if there is your bladder doens't need to be that full. They then asked if I needed a bed pan. Now I would need to be very desperate to use a bed pan. But because I have a bladder of iron I still didnt really feel like I even had to go.

I got my second laser acupuncture, and then just got to realx and rest for 30 mins. They came in and gave me my instructions and dates, BETA 11/05! And then we were on our way!

I am feeling a little better now that our lil embie is snuggled in. I also have more hope as of now. I am terrified to get to hopeful, but who am I kidding either way I am going to be heartbroken if this doesnt work. So now we wait, pray, and try not to go crazy until next Thursday. Please let this be it for us!!

We have a date

2009-10-23T11:17:00.003-04:00

The transfer is set for Tuesday October 27th. Don't ask me how I'm feeling cause I am trying not to think about it. Of course I want this, I want this bad! But after everything I have been through I just don't want to think about it yet. I am a lil concerned that it will be over before it even starts and the embryo won't survive the thaw. But all I can do now is try not stress, and let everything take its course. What will be will be right?

When the world says, "Give up" HOPE whispers, "Try one more time".

2009-10-17T18:47:00.004-04:00

So here we are trying one more time! After taking the summer off to regroup, reconnect, and recover its now time to move forward with an FET to transfer our last embie. I am going into this cycle with a different perspective, I have been through this enough and gotten my heart broken enough to not get my hopes up. As awful as it may sound I am going into this just thinking we need to use the last embie so it doesn't just sit there, and we don't wonder "what if". But I have to be realistic. There is a chance that we may lose the embryo during the thaw, and that our chances are less since we will only be transfering one embryo, not to mention its not the greatest quality.
I am trying to stay positive, and focused on this cycle. Early morning blood draws and u/s's are killing me. I am just so tired of this whole process. I can remember a time when I would spring out of bed into the dark cold early morning driving the 45 mins - 1hr to get to the dr feeling hopeful and knowing this was going to be THE cycle. Now it is like a job dragging myself out of bed to drive down there to get pricked and probed for what? For a healthy baby we hope.

If everything goes as planned we will be doing the transfer on Nov 2nd. This of course happens to be the day that my co-worker is finding out the sex of her baby. I really hope this is the day of the transfer so I don't have to be there that week to deal with that!

Pregnancy & Infant loss Remembrance Day

2009-10-15T16:40:00.001-04:00

Today is Pregnancy & Infant loss Remembrance day. Every year in the United States there are approximately 2 million women who experience pregnancy loss. I am one of these women, so please support this cause, by lighting a candle tonight at 7pm. Take a moment to think of the families that have been affected by these losses.

Lost but never forgotten, forever in my heart

12/05 * 7/06 * 12/06 * 4/07 * 10/08 *

A glipse at the future

2009-09-22T19:13:00.000-04:00

I have always wanted to go to a psychic, but I have been afraid of what they might tell me. I recently heard of Ruby through the message boards. It is said that she has a great success rate and has predicted a lot of pg's on the boards. So I figured just for fun what the hell. $30.00 later this is what I got.....

My thoughts are in bold....

I see a conceive or find out with a bfp or give birth in Oct. So
either conceive or find out with a bfp in Oct of this year or give
birth in Oct of next year. I see a girl. I will be doing my FET in Nov, but we already know that the embryo is male. So either she is wrong with the sex, or this is not our cycle.

1st thing when I did your reading I heard your guides, your future
baby, and my guides say to PLEASE BE OPEN TO POSSIBILITIES and EVEN IF YOU HAVE A WISH YOU NEED TO BE PROACTIVE WITH GETTING THAT WISH, DON'T LET SOMEONE ELSE TELL YOU HOW YOU WILL GET TO YOUR WISH. I have been open to other "possibilities" such as sperm donor, egg donor, embryo donation...my DH on the other hand took much longer to get there and still isn't 100% aboard.

I then saw an image of your daughter blowing baby dust your way and telling you to be open to catch it.

I also saw images of a lot of maze like looking things in my reading. You know how sometimes Cider mills have those mazes you can go in and try to find your way out? I saw 5 of these and then I saw a man sitting at the last maze, the 5th one holding out a big giant golden star to you.

I also then saw an image of a woman who looks VERY fertile, but not happy. I feel she has been messed around by doctors too much because I see her holding herself her arms wrapped around her for protection and then holding up her hands against the doctors kind of like I have had enough. When I hear these messages and see these images what I am being told to tell you from all this is that I feel strongly you have been given many options on how to proceed next with getting pregnant or I feel you have ALREADY gone through alot of options. The 5th and final one is the one that is going to get you pregnant. The golden star so to speak. We have been through a lot and I have had enough. I want very much to be done with all the procedures, meds and the emotional roller coaster. Now I might be reading to much into this, but since I have already had 5 losses, I believe the 5 stands for the types of procedures we have tried. IUI's, IVF, FET, IVF w/PGD, our next step would be embryo donataion. Is it possible I get pg in Jan, using embryo donation delivering a baby girl in oct?

I feel the 5th one is something you knew WOULD HAVE worked before any way if this makes sense, but either was pushed aside when brought up before or it hasn't been brought up yet but you know intuitively it will be the one that your daughter comes to you and where YOU will have control of the situation. Not someone else telling you how you will get pregnant. If you feel there is a way in your heart NOW that is an option now then please let the doctors know or whoever else you are working with andhave them listen. I hope this makes ;sense. If not please let me know I would be very happy to clarify. Embryo donation is something I have wanted to do 100 cycles ago, but again my DH was not fond of the idea.

I feel you are more fertile than you know and what needs to be done is way less than they are saying, but more potent and more effective if this makes sense. This also makes me wonder if I will not get pg through IF treatments and have to keep trying on our own.

Also I saw an image of a woman holding a big blue ball next to her and it looks to be on her right side, but I am not positive and it feels she has been carrying this around for a long time. It feels in her pelvis on the
side or in her ovary on the side. I usually see this image in my
reading when a woman has PCOS, a cyst, tubal blockage, and or
ovulation problems from at least one side. This shocked me since I have PCOS.

Again I see a girl.
When I connected with your girl I heard the names Hannah, Holly,
Hayley, and Harley. This could be someone you know, someone you will
meet, or your little girls name/s you give her or a combination of
what is listed above. None of these thoughts have ever been in a thought in our minds.

When I saw your girl I saw her being around the age of 5-7 in her past
life. I show that she loved wearing flowers in her hair all the time
but around her head, kind of like a wedding tiara. She had her hair
dorned all the time with pink carnations, lily's, and lilacs. She
always stayed centered, peaceful, and had a magical way about her with making what she wanted become a reality with very little ease and I
show that she was like this with others as well, being a big healer
for them. Also when you are pregnant with your girl I feel she will
heal whatever you have either ALL THE WAY or almost ALL THE WAY. PlusI feel she will do this emotionally with you as well when you are
pregnant. Say you are having a horrible day and just crying your eyes
out she will be able to pick that up believe it or not and have this
way of washing all the bad things away. I feel you will have a VERY
happy pregnancy just because of her vibe and a very easy going
pregnancy with the aches and pains and easy labor as well. I see her
being born in between the hours of 10am and 2pm and she will have the ROSIEST of cheeks you ever saw on a little one. I have no doubt she will take away all my emotional pain, I'm loving the easy pg and labor.

Also with your reading when I connected I felt all your children
around you if that is fine to ask and they wanted to connect with both
you and me and I was told if you haven't gotten it checked out yet to
make sure that your uterus is fine to hold a pregnancy. I know
obvsiouly you have losses, but they said something connected with your
uterus and it needing to be strengthen both with blood and the way the
muscles hold things. Just something feels out of place within the
uterus so to speak that is keeping things from staying in place. Like
it is not physically strong enough. Not sure if that makes sense. I was on heprin with a few of my cycles cause we thought I had a blood clotting issue, but that has since been thrown by the waste side. I have had a saline u/s, and laproscopy done to check out my ute but they found nothing. My question is how do i tell the dr's I want them to put me on heprin, or check the strength of my ute, cause a psychic told me??

I also heard the number 4 connected with your reading in some fashion.
I know it is to do with when you find out you are pregnant, when you
conceive, or when you give birth, but the number 4 will definatly be
connected with your little girl in one of those fashions. Does this contradict everything she said about oct doesnt it? Maybe the 4th of Oct?

best wishes! Ruby

“When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”

2009-09-21T21:16:00.003-04:00

After all these years, hearing the dreaded words, "I'm pregnant" is like getting punched in the gut every time. It never seems to matter how you hear them, whether through a text, a Face Book status, a phone call, through a friend, or through an email. The out come is always the same. They have what I want. The one thing I am working so hard for came so easily for them. Please don't get me wrong I would never wish IF on anyone, but do I have to resent everyone of my fertile friends because they can do the most natural thing in the world?

Saturday I received an email from a friend/co-worker telling me that she was pregnant. She did her research and talked to girls in IF message boards to find out just how she should tell me. I have responded to 100 of these posts over the years. The advice is always the same, send an email. It allows your friend the chance to grieve, to be upset, to cry, scream, punch something without you seeing her pain. There is nothing like getting punched in the gut and having to smile and say, "Congrats, I'm so happy for you!" It meant a lot that she took me into consideration and cared enough to do her homework. Did it hurt any less? Nope! And for the first time someone did it right, she did exactly what we always tell them to do, but it hurt all the same. Did it allow me time to be upset, without having to face her? Yes, I spent the weekend crying, getting myself prepared to face her today. As hard as it was to walk into work today I did it, I held my head high pushed the pain aside and made it through the day!

Throughout this wonderful journey of IF many people have told me how strong I am. How they could never do what I do, never go through what I have gone through. But until you have been faced with a challenge you just don't know how strong you are. When you want something so badly, somehow some way you find the strength. Some days I don't want to get out of bed, facing the world is just to much to handle, but every day that I get out of bed, get in the shower, and face the world I know I am strong. Today when I walked in that building and faced her, talked to her, I was strong. I surprise myself how strong I am everyday. If nothing else I have learned that I am strong that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger!

Long time, no blog!

2009-09-02T21:48:00.000-04:00

I know it's been forever since I have blogged, but I don't have much to report. I have taken the summer off to regroup, to have time to myself, to enjoy my summer. It has been a much needed break away from IF, I can't say I missed it. I took a wonderful family vacation to FL, a weekend getaway with my girls to AZ, and just good quality time with myself and my Hubby.

September is here though, and it's time to get back to reality. We will be moving forward with our FET to transfer the last embryo we have left. After that we will be looking into embryo donation which I am really excited about. So you will be hearing more from me now. Hope everyone had a wonderful summer =)

How did this happen to me?!

2009-08-25T21:54:00.000-04:00

At some point when I wasn't looking, it snuck up on me. I woke up one day and there was staring me in the face, taunting me, asking what I have done with my life, asking if I had made the right choices. It caused me to question everything that meant anything to me. There it was as clear as day the big 3-0!! Yup, I turned 30 today. I'm not sure how this happened to me, last time I checked I was 25. Where oh where did the last 5yrs go? Well lets see, I got married, bought a house, adopted my beautiful furbaby, oh and yes have been fighting this beast called IF! I feel like IF has stolen the last 4yrs of my life. I have been standing still while the world continued on, people have continued on with their lives, have made things of themselves but not I have been standing right here, wishing, waiting, hoping.

When I was little there were a few things I wanted to be when I grew up, an interior decorator, the next Miss America, a teacher...this is just to name a few. But more then any of that I wanted to be a wife and mom. I always pictured this happily ever after, the loving husband, the beautiful house, the kids playing in the yard. I made that my top priority, so when I met my hubby I threw everything else out the window. I dropped out of college, and found the next best thing to teaching....daycare. I settled for a career making little money, while I threw myslef into my relationship. Before I knew it I was 30, married, living paycheck to paycheck to pay for the beautiful house, with a big empty yard where the children were suppose to be running around. I realized that I put all my eggs into one basket, I never had a back up plan. So now here I sit my dreams crushed, living with the mistakes I have made along the way. Please don't get me wrong if I had it to do over there isn't much I would change, I may have stayed in school and put a little more effort into my career. I know it's not to late, and I am looking into going back to school. It's time I start moving forward with my life. I'm tired of standing still, while everyone else moves forward. It's time to put plan B into motion!

IF has turned me into a crazy person!

2009-06-10T21:25:00.002-04:00

I was running super late for work this morning, but had to check Facebook, yes I know I am addicted! Well, I wish I hadn't checked it. There it was clear as day staring me in the face, my first Facebook pg announcement!!! The mom of one of my friends posted I'm going to be a grandma!!

So I grab my stuff rush out the door and head to work, on my way I text my husband "____ is pg :o(" after a little while of not hearing back from him I check my phone and realize that I sent the text to her!!! I wanted to die! I was so embarrassed, not to mention I felt completely awful! I sent her another text apologizing for the mix up and congratulating her. She later texted me back saying that she was mad her mother posted it on Facebook cause it's still early.

I called my mother tonight looking for support, and wanted to tell her what happened in case her mom called my mom. Well as if things couldn't get worse. My mom tells me, "you can't go around runing your friendships everytime they get pg. Its a natrual progression of life Tara!" A natrual progression a life for everyone but me huh mom? Thanks for understanding how hard this is for me. Thanks for being supportive.

My mom is right though who does that? I'll tell you who, a person who has let IF turn them into a crazy person!! I am happy for her, really I am. I would not want anyone to have to go through what I am going through, but it hurts so bad everytime someone gets pg. Its this gut wrenching sick to your stomach feeling. I can be going about my life trying not to let IF break me down and then I get a pg annocuncement and I am paralyzed. It doesn't make it any easier knowing that had my IVF worked we would have been due within weeks of each other. It would have been nice to have someone to go through pg with.

I hate that there is nothing I can do to change this. I hate that no matter what we do we are still infertile.

Please oh, Please can I catch a break!

2009-05-30T17:00:00.002-04:00

Last Thursday I started getting this soreness in my coccyx, mostly when I was sitting. Over the weekend as I was getting ready for the Memorial Day bbq we were going to have with some friends the pain got progressively worse.

By Sunday I had a fever, and was in to much pain to move. Unable to sit, or lay I thought about going to the ER, but my fever finally broke and decided to wait it out. The pain had never gotten this bad in the past, and had always passed after a few days, so I was hopeful that this would pass too. After canceling our bbq and resting all day Monday I was not able to get any relief from the pain.

Tuesday I was able to get into work for a few hours and then got an appt with the Dr. She gave me a RX for an u/s but the earliest I could get it was Wednesday. Knowing I was in to much pain for that, I had my dad take me to the ER. There they did xrays, gave me an RX for painkillers, and an antibiotic and told me to get the u/s as prescribed by my Dr. Thank God for viccodin, because that was the only thing that got me through the night.

I was able to get an appt for first thing in the morning for the u/s. I cried all the way there because it was so painful to get in the car and drive there. Once there I begged the u/s technician to be gentle since the slightest touch was excrutiating! She was able to find a cyst and sent them over to my Dr. STAT! I waited all day for my Dr to call with the results, with no luck. Finally my Dh called then demanding to talk to her. She finally called back and told me that I had a cyst that was now infected and had become a abcess. She said it would have to be removed, but no one would remove it while it was infected. She suggested going to the ER to have it drained 1 to relieve the pain, and 2 to drain the infection.

Thursday my mom took me back to the ER where they drained it, which by the way was the most painful thing I have ever experienced! I go back to the Dr Monday to get the dressing removed, it is still very sore, and can't wait for it to start to heal. I am really hoping this does not affect my vaction in July. I have soo been looing forward to this vaca, its much needed!

It's been a rough year. I just want a break from all this!

Follow up consult

2009-05-14T22:10:00.000-04:00

Today we had our follow up consult. It was hard sitting in the office again, I was looking around at all the women that were there for their ET's and I was jealous of the. I was jealous that they were sitting there with so much hope, while I sat here with none.

I was prepared to hear them tell us what I already knew, the embryos just weren't strong enough, and when you biopsy them for the PGD you weaken them even more, therefore they just weren't strong enough to implant. What I wasn't prepared to hear them tell us was that the egg quality was poor. I had to hold back the tears as he talked about how because of my age they have hight expectations for my egg quality, and how it was not where they would like to see it. He talked about how even though the egg quality was poor this cycle doesn't mean that it will be next cycle. Since this is the first cycle with them they don't have anything to compare it to. They are unable to say if my eggs have always been poor. He did say that if we chose to do another fresh cycle they would treat me differently and try to improve the quality. All I could think was great one more thing to add to the list, will it ever end?? I just think we have to many strikes against us at this point. I don't think it is possible for us to have a biological child together.

I told the Dr. that at this point we are strapped finacially and unable to do another cycle with PGD. He told us that they are making so many improvements on PGD testing that he wouldn't reccomend doing it right now anyway.

We talked about the embryo that did make it to freeze, he told us that he would ideally like to transfer 2 embryos but the embryo is a B quality and we have about a 40% chance of getting pg. He reminded us how much easier a FET cycle is, and if I could do an FET cycle everytime I so would! After getting OHSS the last two times I did a fresh cyle, I am in no hurry to start another. So I we will be doing the FET cycle in August.

I asked about embryo donation, and he did say that they have a list. There are about 10-15 people on the list and they can put us on the list now. then we can decide when the time comes. I dont know alot about it and need to get more info, but I am so ready to move to the next step. I use to want to have our baby, and I still do, but more then that I want to have A baby! My husband wants to take it one step at a time, and is not ready to think that far ahead. But I dont work that way I need to know what is next. I feel like we are at the end of the road and that makes me feel hopeless. Knowing that we still have options gives me hope!

So the plan for now is to take some time off, regroup, go on vacation, and then in July we will start our FET cycle. We cross our fingers and hope for the best. Then if if doesn't work I will try to get more info about the embryo donation. We will wait it out and hope it goes quickly, we will also keep saving for another PGD cycle. We are not giving up yet just thinking about other options!

Angel of miracles

2009-05-10T11:28:00.005-04:00

I am so glad I participated in the secret angel exchange. I was dreading today so much, especially since my BFN is still so fresh. But when I got that box on Thursday it gave me something to look forward to. I am so bad a surprises and wanted to open it that day, I am glad I was able to resist because it made today a little easier!

Thank you, Jehnm! She did a wonderful job, I got the Angel of Miracles, and it is just so perfect! She also sent me a beautiful card, and a dog toy for my four legged baby. It was so thoughtful of her! I also want to thank Tarahville for organizing this! It was such a great idea!

And a big thank you to all of the wonderful girls on the board that get me through each day, I could not do this without you! It means a lot to know I have people that understand, and care about me. If I could make it a wish it would be that none of us had to go through this at all, or that I would go through it alone if it meant you could all be mothers, but I know I could never wish for a greater group of girls to go through this with! Your strength, courage, and determination inspire me! You are all amazing, and are going to make wonderful mother's one day!

Tears and Hope

2009-04-30T22:18:00.002-04:00

In bringing awareness to NIAW I was given a link to this video that just sums up or road of IF. It brought me and DH to tears. It is exactly how it feels to be in this place, this awful place called IF.

Tears and Hope

2009-04-26T16:46:00.007-04:00

Infertility affects 7.3 million Americans

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and it could not have come at a better time. After finding our that this cycle was a bust I am all about getting the word out there! I came out on my Facebook page, and although a lot of my friends and family already know, it felt good to be able to spread the word. I am not ashamed of this, this is our life now. I do not want to hide it anymore, yes there is a reason we do not have children yet, and no it is not by choice. If I can get the word out there and create a little bit of awareness then maybe this is all worth it.

This is the RESOLVE site, where you can find more information on how to get involved

And then there was 1!

2009-04-25T13:03:00.000-04:00

So we thought it was over, we were out of the game. We have been throwing out different options, talking about where we are going to go from here.

Then yesterday my DH got the mail and we got a letter from our RE. One of our embies made it to freeze! I am trying not to get to excited, the day of our ET the Dr. told us it was a little slow, and not of the best quality. Of course, I will do the FET because ya never know maybe this is the one, but its just to soon after the BFN to get excited. I am excited to have another chance at this, I am excited that we are not totally out of the game just yet. I would feel better if there was 2 frozen just because we risk the chance of losing it when they thaw, also I have always felt that 2 would increase my chance at getting pg with 1. But I guess as I can see from this cycle that is not always the case.

So, now the question is when do I do it? Should I jump right into the cycle this month? This is what I really want to do, just because I am anxious. But once we complete this cycle if it doesn't work thats really it. Then we are officially done. If I wait a little while I have soemthing to hope for, to look forward to. I can wait till the summer when I am working 3 days a week. I will have the days off to go for the bw, u/s, and go to the appts. Or I can enjoy the summer, spend some time with DH, maybe go on vacation, and then do it in the fall.

I don't know what we are going to decide, but I am glad to know we have one last chance!

Adoption

2009-04-25T09:18:00.000-04:00

I have not allowed myself to seriously think about adoption until now because I honestly thought we would get pg at some point. Everyone likes to suggest adoption like it's an easy solution...I'll get into that in minute. But in the back of my head I knew that if we did not get pg we would adopt. I knew that one way or another we would be parents. Did I love the idea no! To be honest I hated the idea, and its going to take sometime for me to truly accept that this is where our road has lead us. I am sad that we will not have children that look like us, that I will not be able to feel a baby kick inside me, or breastfeed my child. But I also worry about whether I will be able to bond with a child that is not mine, will I resent them, will I always want a child of my own? I also worry about how adoption affects the child, I know it sounds like a happily ever after story, "we tried for many years to have a child of our own, but God lead us to you." Yeah right, I'm sorry I don't care what anybody says adopted children have abandonment issues, I worry that no matter how much we love that child and give them this great life they might not have otherwise had they will still always wonder who there birth parents are, who they look like, and why they weren't good enough.

I know I am not in the right place right now to seriously look into adoption, but I thought I would check out some websites and see what exactly is involved.

I wonder if the same people that suggest adoption know how much is involved.I thought IF was hard, well this is overwhelming and intense! It is not as simple as putting your name on a list and waiting for a baby to be born. There is finding the right agency, creating a profile, interviews, home studies, fingerprinting the list goes on and on. Then after you complete all of that you hope a birth mother chooses you, then you wait and hope that she doesn't change her mind and that it doesn't fall through. After all that I have been through with IF I don't know if I could handle going through all of that for it to fall through. I have been through enough heart break thank you very much!!

I also wonder if all the people that suggest adoption so casually to the infertiles know how much it costs. Between lawyers fees, applications fees, fingerprinting, having your profile printed, home study visits, birth mother expenses, etc etc etc, we're looking at something between $20,000-50,000!! IF has emptied our bank accounts, and well we didn't have that before we started IF treatments anyway. How in the hell do people do this???

So at this point I am questioning if adoption is even an option for us.

Options

2009-04-24T18:45:00.000-04:00

We have some options that we can now look into, sperm donor, embryo adoption, domestic adoption, and international adoption.

Before we went into this cycle I talked to my DH about using a sperm donor if this didnt not work. We have not sat down and had a serious conversation about it yet, DH likes to take one thing at a time. I am not the most positive thinker, so he tries to be hopeful for both of us. The little that we have talked about it he has expressed that he is not super thrilled with the idea. I'm not sure I can blame him, as much as it upsets me. I think he would have a hard time knowing that it was biologically mine but not his. I tried to explain that a father is not just sperm, he is going to be their daddy no matter what. I don't know I think men have these animalistic thoughts about being able to spread their seed. Ugh, MEN!! I don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I would hate for him to do this for me, and wind up resenting me or the baby because this is not something he wanted. I am not in the situation, but I would like to think that if it was my eggs that were preventing us from getting pg I would be ok with an egg donor. But I would also have the benefit of being able to carry that child for 9 months, and bond with them, he would not have that advantage.

So onto embryo adoption, I don't really know much about adopting an embryo, and have to find out more about that. But I have to admit of all the options this seems like the best fit for us. My DH would be able to accept it better because it would be neither of ours, but I would still get to carry it, give birth, nurse all of the things I would do if it was ours. The problem is that will embryo adoption we risk the chance that it may not work. What if it doesn't implant, or what if the reason for our m/c's is not the inversion but is something to due with me and I m/c the embryo. I am not sure we want to spend that kind of money for more heart break. I also think that embryo adoption is fairly new, therefore I would have to find a reputable agency that deals with this. I also don't know how long the wait would be or how many are available.

Domestic adoption is ideally my first choice if we have to adopt. But I know that the wait is long for a healthy white newborn. This is not the 1950's where young pg girls were sent off to have their babies and the babies were easily adopted. I believe domestic adoption is more expensive then international, as well has longer and more difficult of a journey. I don't know a lot about adoption and will have to start researching this.

International adoption seems like it would be complicated, which country do we adopt from. I believe you have to go to the country more then once before the child is released and able to come home to the USA. Not to mention the children are usually older, I know maybe I am being selfish, but I really want a newborn baby. I want to have them from day one. I also worry about the transition for them, the are taken from everything they know to place where no one speaks their language. That has got to make for a long hard transition.

Foster adoption this seems fairly easy, I think that there is a big demand for foster parents and would probably be placed quickly. If I already had children of my own I would be all over this, because I would love to help children that have come from bad situations. But, I could not foster a child, fall in love with them, be their mom for all intensive purposes, just to have to give them back when their parents decide to get their act together. Also you risk the chance of getting a very difficult child, and I could never ask for them to be removed from the home, It breaks my heart that these children are shuffled from one home to the next.

So these are our options, I don't know much about any of them and really have to do some serious research before we can make any decisions. I think it is time that I start talking to other people about our options and get some advice from people that may have been down this road before. I will be visiting websites, messages boards, and we know a few people in RL that have adopted. None of these options are easy or are going to but a baby on my arms tomorrow, but it is where our road has lead us.

Rough couple of days

2009-04-24T11:12:00.003-04:00

It has been a rough couple of days. I left work on Wednesday a complete mess, I should not have taken the call at work. But I was so sure it worked, I was more worried about the beta number and if it was going to be high enough. I feel like such an idiot, I was totally blindsided!

My Dh is taking this harder then I thought he would, he always tries to be so strong for me, but I can see how much this is affecting him now. When we started this, I was dragging him into it. He wanted to wait a little while before we started trying. I also think that he thought once we went to the RE we would get pg quickly, as did I. Neither one of us ever foresaw the long hard road we had ahead of us. But I think after the 3rd m/c he realized how much he wanted this too! I am to devastated to take care of him right now, I know that sounds awful but I just don't have it in me right now. We are suppose to be a team in this, but IF has torn us apart. We are no longer a team. Last week when we were both home I felt like we really reconnected, we had a good time together and I felt like we were going through this together. That was all ripped away from me on Wednesday morning.

I went to work yesterday and cried all day. I work at a childcare center, where I am surrounded by it. It was heart breaking to look at all these children who were conceived so easily. Why was I chosen to have go through this? What did I do to deserve this? My bosses asked me all day if I wanted to go home, but I have taken so much time off due to IF I didn't want to lose anymore time. Then at the end of the day my boss came up to me and told me to think about taking today off. She suggested I try to come in, because it is better for me to be there then laying in bed crying all day, especially since she knows that is what I will be doing all weekend. I told her I would be here, like I said I don't want to waste anymore days to IF. Funny thing is I was not able to get any sleep last night, maybe an hr. I woke up this morning and just could not drag myself out of bed.

All I want to do is sleep, I want to pull the blankets over my head and sleep. I want to escape all the pain. I want to get away from this life. I look at my friends, and family and all I see is pain in their eyes. I know they care about me, but it kills me to look at them, knowing I will never give them a son/daughter, or grandchildren. I am looking into taking a leave of absence from work. I just need some time. I don't know how much time or if time will even help, but I want to lock myself in my room away from everyone and just sleep. Everyone is worried about me, my parents came over last night after I didn't answer any of the 5 calls. They sat will me trying to make me feel better, but they just don't get it. My mom wanted to bring me to the hospital, cause she said I am not ok. NO SHIT!! Of course I am not ok, how can you expect me to be ok right now? They thought about canceling their trip to FL, they left this morning. They also tried to take me with them. Its great that they care about me, but really all I want is to be left alone. I asked them a number of times to leave, they lept saying they weren't going anywhere till they knew I was ok. Once Dh got home they felt better and were able to leave. I guess I need to be babysat. I'm not going to lie, I have thought about how it would be better to not live at all then to live like this. This life hurts to much. I use to have hope that it would all get better, that in the end it would all be worth it. But it's not ok, its not worth it!!!

I have said goodbye to my friends on the NEST, they have been my support system for the last 4 yrs. They are an amazing group of women. They understand what your going through, your thoughts and feelings all make sense on this board. There is no judging, just support. Everyday no matter what you are going through, they were there to cheer you on! I miss them tremendously! But we are done TTC, so I no longer belong there. It may be a selfish decision, because I should return the favor and be there for them right now. But it hurts to much right now to see these wonderful girls get their BFP's. I wish only the best for all of them, but I just cannot handle that right now.

I am giving myself some time to grieve, then I have to suck it up and move on! I need to decide where to go from here. We have some options, but we need to seriously discuss them. Donor sperm, embryo adoption, adoption, or a childless life.

Only time will tell where we will go from here.

P.S. Both embryos were boys!

BFN

2009-04-22T17:53:00.002-04:00

There are no words. I am in shock, stunned! I really thought this was going to be it. I don't understand, but I'm not going to try to understand why. Why no matter how much money, blood, sweat, and tears we put into this, it's still not enough. Why don't we deserve this?? I feel like I just flushed 5 grand down the toilet. We are done, this was the end of the road for us, so now what?

I do not want to live anymore, the only thing I ever wanted out of my life was to have a child. If that dream is not going to be a reality then I have no reason to go on. IF has taken everything from me. It has changed the person I am, it has ruined my marriage, it has ruined friendships, it has put a strain on my work, and I have lost all faith in GOD. So really what do I have to keep me going???

We have a beautiful house, that we bought thinking we were going to start our family in it. It has big yard, and two big empty bedrooms. We bought more then we could afford to have this house for our family, we work paycheck to paycheck to make the bills each month. Now for what? I think its time to sell the house, at least then me and Dh can try to enjoy our lives, by going on vacations, buying things we want, going out for dinner.

We were not meant to have children of our own. Maybe there is a reason, I don't know, and I certainly don't care! This is unfair that millions of women have to go through this. This is a pain like no other.

This wait is killing me slowly!!

2009-04-20T20:35:00.002-04:00

I have made it 7 days, but I don't know if I can make it the next 2! Not knowing is the hardest part of this whole process. I have been trying to stay busy and not think about it but being on bed rest, and stuck at home for the week makes this pretty hard to do. I have analyzed every twinge, cramp, and anything else that could potentially be coughed up as a pg symptom. Going back to work today made things a little easier, but I still thought about it a lot. As it gets closer I get more sick at the thought of that call.

I have tried to be really optimistic, our problem was the inversion. So if we correct the inversion the rest should be cake right? I would love to be able to say, well I have not had any implantation problems in the past, so it shouldn't be a problem now. Which means how can this not work, we have chosen two inversion free embies, and we have five pg to prove we don't have issues with implantation. But, what if? What if this is the cycle that they don't implant? What if the embryos were not strong enough to implant? What if we were able to transfer two embryos that did not have the inversion, but had another problem causing them to die? I have been driving myself crazy with these questions all week.

I keep reminding myself that I have been through the worst of it, I have had five m/c's, I know what to expect as far as the worst is concerned. I never thought I would make it through a second m/c after the first, but here I am still standing after five. So as much as I don't want that to happen again, I can take some comfort in knowing that I WILL SURVIVE! Only this time is different, this is it for us. We will not be able to do another PGD cycle, not anytime soon. So we have a lot riding on this cycle, and that's what makes this the hardest!

I wish that even if they call with a positive result on Wednesday, I still have to hope that my number is high enough, and then I have to go back on Friday and hope my number doubles nicely. The worst will not be over Wednesday, we still have to hope that even if I get pg, I stay pg!

ok, so I have to get through tomorrow, and then have to walk into that building Wednesday morning, get my blood drawn, and wait for them to call me. The thought of my phone ringing, and having to answer, having to listen for the results makes me nauseous. Its going to be a long two days!

I want these babies, I want it to be our turn. I feel like we have payed our dues! Please let this be it for us, PLEASE!!

Knowing is going to make this all a lot harder

2009-04-14T19:59:00.002-04:00

I am so terrified that this won't work! Now that I know what they are it feels more real, they feel like real babies already. It is going to destroy me if I lose them, not that I wasn't destroyed with my other losses, but I never let myself wonder what sex they were. Damn it I wish we didn't know!! The last thing I needed was for this to be anymore real then it already is, I wanted to think of this as just a clinical process till we were out of the woods. haha I don't know what I was thinking, that would have been impossible too! If I lose this pg it is going to affect me in a way that none of my others did. I am already thinking of names, picturing the room, picking out matching outfits. Oh dear god! How am I going to get through the next 7 days?

Come on little ones stick! Hold on tight mommy wants to bring you both home!

ET done!!

2009-04-13T19:37:00.001-04:00

I waited all morning very impatiently I must add for them to call me and let me know what time to come in. I don't know what we would have done had me or DH not been home on vacation this week. We didn't get the call till 12 and they asked us to be there at 3. My job is flexible and I would have been able to get out, but it would have been much harder for DH.

We sat in the waiting room for an hr I had ro drink 4-5 glasses of water, let me tell you this is not easy for me to do in the first place. I hate water! But with the OHSS I am so bloated and already feel so full all the time. Once in the recovery room I had to wait another 15 mins, with a very full bladder! The Dr finally came in, it was not our dr which was a little disappointing, but it was the same dr that did our ER so that was good. He went over the PGD report with us, we had two good blasts to transfer, both we unaffected by the inversion which is good. He said they were a little slow, but that he was not to worried about it. There was third which was ify, and he would have thrown that in to, but with my age, and the quality of the embryos he wanted to keep in mind out goal of A healthy baby.

We went in and did the transfer, it was neat to see them up on the tv, we watched him suck them up and then insert them in. He did say that one had expanded since that morning which was a good thing. I have no idea what that means but if he says its good, then yay!!

They wheeled me into my room and I immediately asked DH to give me the PGD paperwork to read over. I got half way down the second page when I noticed that the sexes of the embryos were listed. The two that we transferred were on the second page. I told my DH and he told me not to look! We always talked about not finding out, and letting it be a surprise. Especially after IF, all of the fun has been taken out of this for us as is. I really look forward to hearing them yell out IT"S A BOY! or IT"S A GIRL! I didnt want to look so I folded the paper over so I could not see the sexes. Unfortunately, the XY, and XX chromosomes where is the section I was reading. So I know what the sexes of both embryos that were transferred are. I didn't want to tell DH so I handed him the paper. He then went and made the same mistake. He stopped himself at the first one so only knows what one is. He got very upset, teary eyed even! I didn't want him to know that I know too, not yet maybe after the beta. I also know the sex of the third. I am a little bummed that they are all of the same sex, if we are fortunate to have this work I would go back and have the third transferred later for a sibling. I'm not saying I'm not going to now, but it would be nice to have one of each. I also wish that the two that were transferred today were of different sexes. Then it could still be a surprise because unless they both take we wouldn't know which one stuck!

Please don't misunderstand me, having a healthy baby means more to me then what the sex of the baby is. I gave up 4yrs ago wishing for one or the other. I am really just more bummed that its not going to be a surprise!

I go back for Beta on the 22nd, its going to be a long 9 days! Fingers crossed!

Follow up

2009-04-11T19:28:00.002-04:00

I went in this morning because I wanted them to be aware that I am still in pain. I called the nurse ahead of time to ask her what she thought and she told me to come in right away. They did an u/s and saw some fluid, the dr said it was borderline OHSS. She left the decision up to me if we wanted to move forward with the transfer, I of course chose to move forward. She did warn me that If I do get pg the OHSS will get worse, but ensured me that they would monitor me closely and had ways to manage it. Here's to hoping it gets worse!!! lol

While I was sitting in the waiting room I got a call from the genetic lab to tell me that we were on for a Monday transfer. The nurse would call me Monday to tell me what time.

I'm getting excited!!

Day after ER

2009-04-09T21:10:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning and I don't feel any better, actually I think it may be worse. All I can think is no no no I do not want to have OHSS again! I know I have no power over this, but it really does not seem fair that I have to go through this twice. But there is nothing fair about IF I guess!
The nurse was suppose to call between 9-11 with the fert report. As of 1pm I had not heard anything so I called and left a message for my nurse. A little while later she called and asked how I was feeling. I told her I was still sore, she told me that I earned the right to be sore with 41 eggs! She did tell me that I am at risk for OHSS, and asked if I had had it before. She told me to start drinking gatorade, and to come in if the pain got worse. She told me that if it gets worse there is a possibility that we may have to cancel the transfer. NO!!!! I really don't want to cancel the transfer, I know I have no power over this, but NO NO NO!!!
She then told me that they icsi'd 36 eggs and 32 fertilized! I am soooooo happy with this number! I know that they won't all survive but that's a great number to start with. She said that they will do the biopsy on Saturday and call me to let me know what day we will do the transfer. So as if I didn't have enough to worry about, now I am worried about the outcome of the biopsy. How many will survive, how strong will they be, will they be of good quality, how many will not be affected by the inversion.
For now all I can do is sit and wait, I hate waiting! But IF is one big waiting game!

ER went well

2009-04-08T20:41:00.000-04:00

The ER went well, they retrieved 41 eggs, yup, 41! Dh said that when they wheeled me in the nurse was calling me a hen! I woke up and I could feel right away I could feel the cramping. Dh went to get the nurse and she came right in to give me meds through my iv. She told me that I have every right to be sore with 41 eggs retrieved. In August when I had my first ER they got 35, so I was instantly worried about OHSS again! The nurses didn't mention anything, and I didn't feel like I did last time before I went in for the ER so I thought I was in the clear.
I sat and drank my apple juice and ate my crackers, and I heard them tell the girl next to me that they got 6 eggs. I thought wow, how hard that must be. I wanted to give her some of mine. I can't imagine going through all of this to get 6 eggs. I hope that they all fertilize for her and grow into healthy embies so she has some to freeze!
I came home and went to sleep for awhile, I was a little sore, but nothing like last time. Now that the night has progressed the pain hasn't gone away or lessen I'm a little worried. Having had OHSS before I know what it feels like. This is painful, but nowhere near as painful as last time. I weighed myself and have not gained any weight, and I am not swollen. Maybe I am still sore. I started to drink gatorade just in case, and have had a heating pad on for most of the night. They gave me a rx for percocet but it makes me sick so I am trying not to take unless I have to. I have taken some tylenol which has helped a little. I am terrified I might have OHSS again, I don't want to put off the transfer. This is so frustrating, but I am just going to hope for the best.
Tomorrow they will call with my fertilization report, I don't expect all 41 to fertilize or even survive. I'm just hoping for a high enough number that they can biopsy as many as possible giving us better odds of embies w/o the inversion.

Fingers crossed!

Triggering tonight!

2009-04-06T20:48:00.003-04:00

Well, the time is here! I will be triggering tonight, I went for morning monitoring today and the dr told me everything looked great and I was looking at a wed, thurs ER. I should have been super excited, but instead I had this feeling of, do I want to do this? I am so nervous, this is our last chance at having a biological child together. I want this more then anything, but I am so scared!! I'm hoping this is a good sign, maybe it is my subconscious telling me this is it, this is our cycle! I will be going Wednesday for the ER, which means my ET will most likely be Monday. Oh god, I hope I get perfect little embies, inversion free!!! Fingers crossed!!!!

Oh to be sixteen again!

2009-03-29T23:30:00.001-04:00

Tonight we had my cousin's sweet 16 party, it was this big wedding type event! Do you know what I did for my sweet 16? I had a sleepover with my closest friends, oh how times have changed! I did realize that I am getting old, I looked at these girls wearing these tight little dresses, giggling and being all shy around the boys, and I thought wow that was such a long time ago for me! Oh, to be to 16 again! I would love to go back, but only if I could know what I know now! I'm not going to lie, I was jealous of their care free attitudes, their biggest worry is will that cute boy ask me to dance? It was difficult to look at my baby cousin and realize she is growing into an adult now.

I had to start my stims tonight, of course I was due to take them at 7pm and that is exactly when the party started. I forgot to bring them with me, so I took them when I got home at 11ish, hope that doesn't mess anything up to bad. I don't know what it is, but I am so not into this this cycle. I know how that must sound, but I have been asking myself if I really want to do this? I think I am just nervous, but I do feel really calm. I have no anxiety, no worried, no hope, no stress. Just going into very blah!

Dh pointed out to me that I can't even go to a sweet 16 party and get away from the IF. We had a pg women at the table, and there were 4 young children looking adorable in their party clothes, dancing their little kid dances on the dance floor! I guess it has just become a way of life for me, I'm not going to say that it didn't bother me at all, but I have just come to expect it. I do ask myself every time I see a pg women, if she has any idea how lucky she is. Does she have any clue how blessed she is? Does she know how hard it is for some??

Off and running!

2009-03-22T21:19:00.003-04:00

So we worked everything out with the pharmacy's and RE. I started my Lupron and we have another week to come up with the money for the Follistim. We actually got a letter from the insurance company stating that the lab that will be doing our PGD is not in network therefore we are responsible for 80%. We were under the impression that PGD was not covered at all, and that the entire amount would be out of pocket. So the news that we will be getting back 20% was actually a pleasant surprise. Maybe its a sign of positive things to come!

I'm starting to get really nervous about this cycle, this is really happening. Yes, this is not our first IVF cycle, but we have a lot more invested in this one. I can't help but worry about whether it will work, and we will have put out all this money to be devastated again. I am worried that like the last time they will have to cancel the PGD because our embryos are not strong enough. Or what if they test the embryos and find that all the embryos are affected by the inversion? Or worse, what if we successfully do the PGD, get pg and still have a m/c? At that point we would have done all of this just to be right back where we started. I am terrified that the inversion may not be the cause of our loses. I am also terrified that this cycle will determine if we will ever have a biological child together.

I am going for acupuncture tomorrow, I hope this will help reduce some stress and give me some peace of mind.

I find myself repeating this to myself daily, but I am so done with this. I just want this to be the cycle that makes us parents!

Update

2009-03-12T22:52:00.002-04:00

So I got to talk to my nurse yesterday, I asked her to send my RX's to the pharmacy we have have been using all along. We are a member of a discount program there, which will help a little. She also agreed to send in the RX for the LUPRON now cause I need to start that next week. She will also send in the RX for different unit amounts of the Follistim, I can fill the Follistim script later this month when I am due to start it, and only get what I need at a time to cut down the cost.

My DH called and spoke with the insurance company and surprisingly enough there is nothing they can do!! He also called the financial department to find out when we will need to pay for the PGD so we can decide if we have time to recycle the money we do have. They informed him that our payment is due Tuesday!! Wonderful, more good news!!

This morning the pharmacy calls me at work to go over my order, set up delivery and get payment. I ask her how much it came to, are you ready? $10,000!!!!!! WHAT!? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?! I then asked how much for the meds, without including the Foliistim....$350.00. Ahh, much better I can handle that. After I got off the phone with them I realized what happened, she probably charged me for all the different units of Follistim, when I will only need some of them. Either way I have till the end of the month to figure it out.

So I guess we are set for now, until the next twist pops up!

I'm Soooo Over This!

2009-03-10T20:55:00.002-04:00

Today I called my pharmacy to order and pay for my medications. I am set to start my Lupron on the 18th. So there I am credit card in my hand, and the women on the phone says..."your co-pay is $4,000" WHAT?! How much! Did insurance pay any of it? I called my insurance company and come to find out that with our new insurance we have to pay upfront and will be reimbursed at 90%.

Ok, I know how lucky we are to have insurance that will even pay 90% but, really where am I going to get $4,000? I know that there are women out there that pay for their entire cycles out of pocket, I don't know they do it and my hat goes off to them! We are fortunate enough to have my parents that have been kind enough to give us some of the money we need for the PGD, that is not covered by insurance at all. But they were not able to give us enough to cover it. So we need to come up with $3,000 by the time of our retrieval on the 4/11.

IF doesn't suck enough, without the stress of financial difficulties? I'm so over this whole thing! I just want to have my baby and look back at this time at the shittiest time in my life, but know it was all worth it to hear the words, "I love you mommy!"

She's here....

2009-03-02T21:30:00.002-05:00

I am thrilled AF showed her face this morning....but along with her she brought god awful cramps, cravings, and back pain. Oh well all the price I pay!

So as of now here is the schedule for the month....

3/4- 3 day b/w, start bcp's
3/13- saline u/s
3/18- start lupron
3/27- start stimming
4/7-4/11- ER
Five days later ET!!

I am so excited to be starting this cycle, I am hopeful but terrified all at the same time! I am going to have to just take it one day at a time, I feel like I have been through the worst there is 5 times. I can do this!!

Look out IVF#2 HERE WE COME!!!!

10lbs!!!

2009-02-28T09:44:00.001-05:00

I have been dieting since January 1st, as of this morning I was down 10lbs, and yesterday I had to go buy a belt on my lunch to keep my pants from falling down!!

I'm so super excited and it's getting easier!!

Aunt Flo where are you??

2009-02-21T14:52:00.003-05:00

When I was younger I hated getting my period every month, I cursed her out each month. Then when we started TTC every time she would show her face I would fall apart knowing that another month had gone by and we weren't pg. I never thought I would be excited to get my period or even be waiting for it, but once we sought the help of an RE I found myself anxiously awaiting her arrival every month, waiting for her to show her face so we could move forward with our treatments.

Well here we are waiting to start a new cycle and of course she is no where to be found. I went to the RE, they did b/w and an u/s. It looks like I am not going to get a period anytime soon, so I can start Provera. YAY!!!! Yep, now I am taking meds to bring her on, and to top it all off I am thrilled about it lol!

So I am on day 2 of Provera, now we just wait for her arrival! I have to have a saline u/s done, then I can start bcp's and get going with this cycle!!!

For Better or for Worse

2009-02-07T17:25:00.008-05:00

IF has taken a lot away from me in the last 4 years. It has broken my spirit, changed the person I am, and ruined many relationships in my life. I fear IF has started to take its toll on my relationship with DH.
It will be 11 years in March that we have been together, I was 18 when I met him. We have grown up together. We were always a fun couple, we enjoyed going places together, spending time together, doing lil romantic things from time to time. I always thought we were just an average couple. We will be married for 5 years in June, 4 of those years have been spent dealing with IF and we have had 5 m/c's. Thats more then the average couple has to deal with in their first 5 years of marriage. But for better or for worse right?? Don't get me wrong we have had our fair share of ups and downs, but we have never had a down like this. I can only hope that we can find it in ourselves to get through this together, and once we are on the other side we can look back at this time as the most difficult time in our marriage. I hope we can come out of this stronger, more united. Marriage is work, you have to work at it everyday, but between working on keeping our relationship solid, dealing with IF and the financial hardships that come with it, and struggling to get myself out of bed each day, I worry if its possible to come out of this together. Sometimes I question If I should continue with treatments...what if its more then the IF, what if we can't recover from this blow, what if we do get pg but it doesn't get better, did I really go through all of this to be a single parent? What if we are broken and can't be fixed? Worse what if we don't want to be fixed?

Back in the game!

2009-01-24T14:18:00.003-05:00

We finally spoke with our new RE and we are going to move forward with IVF, and FISH in PGD. I could try to explain it, but I'm not really sure I understand it all. I have never been so happy to have married a micro-biologist as I was today! My husband was taking notes, asking questions and understood it all! The dr. has some concerns cause he feels like it is unlikely that the inversion would have caused all of our m/c's. He used the flipping a coin analogy, its unlikely that we would flip a heads every time, of course he doesn't know how bad our luck is! This of course has me concerned because if this is not the answer then what is it? We are investing a lot of money into this and if this is not the answer where do we go from here? But we have to take this one step at a time, so I'm just happy to finally have some answers and to be back in the game again! I feel like one big science project! He is intrigued but said there are currently no clinical studies at this time. So now I wait for AF, its looking like march/april. God I hope this is it!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preimplantation_genetic_diagnosis

Falling Apart

2009-01-10T19:25:00.002-05:00

Falling Apart

We don't always have to be strong
Sometimes our strength is expressed in being vulnerable
Sometimes we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track
We all have days when we cannot push any harder,
cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible
Sometimes we cry in front of people
We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to.
We do not need to be perpetual towers of strength
WE ARE STRONG, we have proven that.
Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.
Today, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human.
Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to " fall apart".
~Uknown